Just look at that teaser poster! How long has it been since there was a giant monster movie like that? Oh my god, this is going to kick so much ass!

Huh? What do you mean Nu Image is producing it? Motherfu...

(CENSORED FOR CONTENT)

MEGASNAKE is going to be an actual movie but for right now there is nothing more than the production art you see above. The only details currently available about the film is than the title, what you see depicted on the artwork, and the name of the company that is producing it. Under normal circumstances I would be twisting my nipples with anticipation except that the cold hard hand of reality slaps some sense into me. Why?

Because MEGASNAKE is a Nu Image production! The studio responisble for an increasingly signifigant number of direct-to-video and Sci-Fi Channel b-movies that never quite fully deliver on their B-movie premises, although they do tend to make more entertaining movies than UFO Films (who we will get to shortly), as if that's really high praise. Nu Image shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon, which is either good news or bad news, depending on how you feel about the current state of low budget genre flicks. Sci-Fi Channel movie watchers (You know who you are!) will be pleased to know that 2005 will see the premiere of many more trademark Nu Image creature features along the lines of such timeless classics like SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON. Ah, "the line".

Also, the stuff depicted on that poster seems a bit out of Nu Image's price range. Admittedly, they are beginning to move up in the movie world with some bigger budget productions with actual name stars, but for some reason I doubt this is one of them. Besides, we are talking about a company whose genre movies recycle special effects shots from one film to another and in the case of their shark movies, they often just use actual nature footage of sharks in place of any special effects sharks. These guys pinch their pennies more than Scrooge McDuck.

I also can't help but to think of the DVD artwork for BOA VS. PYTHON. It depicts two giant snakes on a city street preparing to duke it out while two attack helicopters fire at them. Nothing like that ever occurred in the movie itself. Part of me can't help but to wonder if a Reptilicus-sized cobra being attacked by military battalion in the streets of a sprawling metropolis will actually take place at any point in MEGASNAKE. If so, it probably won't happen until the last five minutes. I wish I could be more optimistic about this one but I just can't.

My personal guess is that the MEGASNAKE artwork was used at the recent American Film Market to help entice possible investors in order to secure financing or possibly to entice distributors into picking up the film for their market. Clearly, it worked. Hopefully, they'll deliver the goods on this one, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

Sigh.

Nonetheless, much like Hulkamania once did in the 80's, Nu Image Mania is running wild in the 21st century. So brutha, whattcha gonna do when Nu Image Mania runs wild on you?

Here's yet more Nu Image goodness you can look forward to in the year to come:

LARVA - I have to admit that if done well this one could actually prove to be quite entertaining because it has a tremendous b-movie premise. Experimental livestock feed causes flesh-eating parasites to spawn inside of the cattle in a small farming town, ultimately threatening the nation's food supply. I'm there! Larva stars Vincent Ventresca of the defunct Invisible Man TV series, supermodel and "Stacy's Mom" Rachel Hunter, and the always reliable William Forsythe.

NOTE: Premieres on the Sci-Fi Channel Saturday, January 22nd at 9 PM EST with a replay to follow four hours later and an encore showing on Thursday, January 20th at 9 PM EST.

MANSQUITO - It's a name that screams either comic book supervillain or Sci-Fi Channel premiere movie. In this case, Sci-Fi Channel premiere movie.

A scientist trying to develop a vaccine for the dreaded West Nile Virus is conducting experiments on death row inmates only to have one go berserk in the lab. Before you know it, they've both been infected with some science gone horribly wrong. Soon, the already a psychopath to turn into a mutated half-man/half-mosquito creature with blood on its mind for more reasons than just thirst quenching. As for the lady scientist, she's also experiencing a slower version of the same mutation and it's a race against time to kill Mansquito and find a cure for the scientist. Oh, did I mention that Mansquito also comes back looking to mate with the beautiful scientist.

Mansquito stars Musetta Vander as the lady scientist. You might know her from her role as one of the Sirens in OH BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? and as Sindel in MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION. Also trailing Mansquito's trail of carnage is a hardboiled cop played Corin Nemec, aka the poor man's Frank Whaley, best remembered as the star of Parker Lewis Can't Lose. Sitting in the director's chair is Tibor Takas, best known to horror fans as the maker of THE GATE movies. He also most recently made KILLER RATS, but we won't talk about that.

The Mansquito itself was designed by Tony Gardner, whose work can be seen on screens now in SEED OF CHUCKY. Kind of looks like The Fly's obese cousin if you ask me. Unfortunately, I've heard that they have since gone back and added new CGI Mansquito effects over the lower portion of the creature costume. Something tells me what was once a decent looking non-CGI creation is now going to look really dumb.

MANSQUITO TRAILER (Note: All trailers are WMV format unless otherwise specified.)

RAGING SHARKS - A low budget shark movie from Nu Image? Who'd a thunk it? But is RAGING SHARKS really the best title they could come up with? I've been unable to find a plot synopsis anywhere online for this one so I can only guess what it will be about. Maybe the sharks will be getting infected with a rage virus ala 28 DAYS LATER or perhaps the film will culminate in a black and white showdown between a school of sharks and "Sugar" Ray Robinson? More than likely it will just deal with a bunch of people being terrorized by a combination of poorly computerized sharks and actual nature footage of sharks in action.

At least I can tell you who those people being terrorized are. They are Parker Lewis Can't Lose and MANSQUITO star Corin Nemec, Vanessa Angel of KINGPIN, SABRETOOTH, and the TV version of Weird Science, and Corbin Bernsen, who, as most of you already know, can be enticed into starring in your movie by simply driving by his home and tossing a script out the window with a thousand dollar bill stapled to it. No word yet on when we can expect to see the sharks rage.

HAMMERHEAD - Not enough Nu Image shark action for you? This time they take a cue from MANSQUITO and give us a sharkman movie. In fact, the original title for the project was SHARKMAN, but I guess they wanted to make sure to distinguish their man-shark from Peter Benchley's WHITE SHARK by making it a half-man/half-Hammerhead shark. I can only speculate because there's virtually no info on the actual look of the creature but logic dictates that the title HAMMERHEAD means it's a Hammerhead sharkman, otherwise the title make zero sense.

The plot revolves around a mad scientist performing illegal stem cell research involving the transfer of shark cells into human test subject culminating in the spawning of the film's title character. And who's playing the mad scientist? Why it's none other than Dr. Herbert West himself, Jeffrey Combs. Joining him are Larva's William Forsythe and soap opera vixen Hunter Tylo, who in a recent online interview described HAMMERHEAD as having "a cross between TOMB RAIDER and PREDATOR feel to it." Ummm...yeah.

SNAKE KING - Nu Image. Giant Snake Movie. The Sci-Fi Channel. Starring Stephen Baldwin. Also Starring Greg Evigan. Five phrases that tend to cause most people to recoil in horror. Now for the first time in recorded history we can put all five of them together in SNAKE KING, about an Amazon expedition consisting of a group of scientists led by Stephen Baldwin (Him playing a scientist? Ha! I do believe he's playing one of the commando escorting the mission) in search of a mysterious plant that holds the key to longevity. However, the explorers end up stumbling upon a secret tribe of Amazonian natives and the giant seven-headed snake they worship.

And if you want to know what kind of top flight production this is going to be, all of the natives from this secret tribe will be played by white actors with a cat-like costumes and make-up to match. The film's make-up artist was asked about the origin of the strange make-up the tribe wears in the movie and he replied, "I was inspired by that Brazilian tribe, the...the...well the name starts with C." One of the Caucasian actors playing one of the South American Indians said that the language they speak in the movie doesn't actually exist so they just made it all up every time they spoke. Sounds like it has the Nu Image mark of quality to me.

THE GRYPHON - Set in the 13th century, warring factions must put aside their medieval grievances and join forces to battle an evil sorceror and the Gryphon he has conjured. The legendary monster is said to have the body of a lion and the wings and head of an eagle. It's also a legend that derives from Hindu lore, but since virtually all Nu Image productions are filmed in Bulgaria - the new worldwide capitol for b-movie filmmaking - I suspect the cast and setting will have a decidedly Eastern European flavor.

If the premise of warring medieval factions having to join forces to kill a mythical monster sounds familiar then you probably remember DRAGON STORM, which premiered on the Sci-Fi Channel earlier this year. What does it say when Nu Image starts borrowing plot ideas from UFO Films?

Filming begins in April.

ALIEN VS. ALIEN - And the award for the most redundant movie title of 2005 goes to...

This one tells the tale of extraterrestrial rivals that come to our planet seeking an intergalactic superweapon that has the potential to destroy theirs. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it ends with both aliens dead and the superweapon destroyed by us lowly humans. An anthropologist encounters two enemy aliens who come to Earth seeking a powerful weapon. Hmmm… rival aliens, anthropolgists… what movie does that sound like to you?

Good grief, I can't get over that awful title. You just know someone at Nu Image thinks that title is clever. It isn't, unless they plan to make the movie in a tongue-in-cheek manner with two rival aliens constantly setting traps for one another that often gets turned around on them. But somehow I doubt a sci-fi version of a Mad Magazine comic strip is what Nu Image has in mind.

Filming begins in June.

KRAKEN - Hey, wanna guess what this one is about? Nu Image has already made two giant octopus movies so a giant squid movie should come naturally to them. Heck, I'm amazed it took them this long. A sea adventurer and a professor go hunting for a sunken treasure and encounter a giant squid along the way. I'll go on the record right now and predict that either Dean Cain, C. Thomas Howell, Lorenzo Lamas, or Antonio Sabato Jr. will be cast as the sea adventurer.

Filming begins in July.

BLACK HOLE - An experiment at the Brookhaven National Laboratory on Long Island goes horribly awry, resulting in the formation of a black hole on Earth and the only people that can save the world are Judd Nelson and Kristy Swanson. Yep, we're screwed!

Also lurking in the shadows of Nu Image's creature features is their line of generically-titled "Nature Unleashed" disaster movies. One of which, NATURE UNLEASHED: AVALANCHE and FIRE: NATURE UNLEASHED, recently premiered on the Sci-Fi Channel despite the fact that there was absolutely nothing even remotely sci-fi about it so there's a good chance you may be seeing even more of them. No need to try and go into any details because there titles are self explanatory. Others titles include:

NATURE UNLEASHED: TORNADO
NATURE UNLEASHED: EARTHQUAKE
NATURE UNLEASHED: VOLCANO

NATURE UNLEASHED: EARTHQUAKE as to do with an earthquake in Russia that badly damages a nuclear reactor that must be repaired before it becomes another Chernobyl. So basically, the movie has more to do with a possible nuclear meltdown than it does earthquakes. Sounds like an ATOMIC TWISTER knock-off to me. Speaking of twisters, NATURE UNLEASHED: TORNADO stars Daniel "FUTURE WAR" Bernhardt so hopefully that means we'll get to see him try and kickbox an F5.

Seeing how they keep flipping around the titles I hope when the next one debuts on the Sci-Fi Channel it's called NATURE: TORNADO UNLEASHED or UNLEASHED: NATURE VOLCANO. I suppose if those prove to be hits then they'll produce even more Nature Unleashed flicks. I for one am crossing my fingers for Whirlpool, Hail, Mudslide, and Drought. Wanna bet NATURE UNLEASHED: TSUNAMI is being planned as we speak?

INDEX

UFO

Welcome to Sci-Fi Channel hell, folks! UFO is in charge of fanning the flames.

If you'd been following the international news prior to Asia's tsunami holocaust then you already know that late last year parts of North Africa and the Middle East were besieged by a major swarm of locusts the past few months. News of this type makes fundamentalist Christians hyperventilate over end times prophecies and gives b-movie filmmakers inspiration for a new nature gone amok movie. Enter the United Film Organization and the Sci-Fi Channel. I've always said these two together could unleash the Apocalypse. At the very least, they're going to unleash LOCUSTS on us sometime next year.

"A swarm of giant locusts eat its way across Missouri, devouring every plant (and person) in sight."

I want to know what they mean by "giant". I mean are we talking BEGINNING OF THE END giant or TICKS giant? The other question that goes through my mind is, "Why Missouri?" Is it because parts of Bulgaria (where you know the movie will be filmed) look more like Missouri than say Nebraska or Iowa or because they want a setting that is rural yet within striking distance of a major American city. It'll probably be awhile before we find out the answers because I'm under the impression that LOCUSTS hasn't even begun filming yet.

On the plus side, even though it is a UFO production I think it's fairly safe to say that the movie can't possibly turn out worse than the last time locusts played a major part in a horror movie, but then few films will ever be worse than EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC.

Meanwhile, the United States military may not have been able to find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq but later this year on the Sci-Fi Channel they are going to find a mythical monster on the rampage courtesy of UFO. The company that seems to be responsible for about 2/3rds of the Sci-Fi Channel original movies has recently completed filming MANTICORE, which may very well be the first movie ever made - at least that I can think of - featuring this mythological monster.

MANTICORE focuses on a military Lieutenant chasing looters in post-war Iraq (Post-war? Did they write the script during Bush's "mission accomplished" speech?) that isn't above taking a few things for himself while he's at it, that ends up investigating reports of unexplained killings in a local village. It turns out the carnage has been caused by a mythical beast known as the Manticore that has been raised by someone in Iraq, possibly as a potential weapon of myth destruction, or possibly as a house pet. That last part hasn't been explained yet. Either way the creature cannot be domesticated and is out of control thus forcing the Lieutenant to lead a group of US commandos to try and kill the man-eating monster.

For those completely unaware of what a manticore is, according to legend the creature had the body of a lion, the head of a human with three rows of sharp teeth, and a reptilian tail composed of highly poisonous porcupine-like spines that it could shoot like darts at its prey. The monster is a fixture of folklore in Asia, primarily India. According to some legends regarding the Manticore the monster is said to ask its potential victims riddles much like its distant relative the Sphinx. If the movie keeps that part of the legend then I suspect the first riddle it asks of someone will be "If I am a monster of Indian lore then what the hell am I doing here in Mesopotamia?"

The film boasts an all-star cast. Not really, but if you're a Star Trek fan then you'll be happy to know that Voyager's Robert "Chakotay" Beltran and DS9's Chase "recurring minor character" Masterson are headlining the cast. Also joining them on the monster hunt will be BLAIR WITCH PROJECT star Heather Donahue. I'm guessing this Lieutenant must be leading an all-girl commando unit.

Not surprisingly , the role of Iraq will be played by that most versatile of shooting locations, Bulgaria. I find it a little hard to believe that Bulgaria can make for a realistic substitute for the barren desert regions that make up most of Iraq. Why do I get a bad feeling this movie is going to feature an awful lot of indoor scenes, most likely with the characters trapped in some sort of bunker or military research facility, thus turning a potentially interesting premise into yet another ALIEN knock-off? Maybe I'm just being overly cynical or maybe it's because that is exactly what UFO has already done in about a half dozen or so of their monster movies. Prove me wrong, UFO.

Now if I were to tell you there was going to be a new movie premiering on the Sci-Fi Channel in the future entitled DEADLY WATERS you'd probably assume it was another killer shark movie. Or if you were drunk off your ass you might think it's a movie in which water itself comes to life and starts killing people. Either way, you'd be wrong. It's another giant snake movie.

UFO Films - they are the kings of the giant snake genre you know- announced DEADLY WATERS at the recent American Film Market and it's so early in the game that there isn't even any cast or crew attached the movie. I'm not even sure there's an actual script yet. We do know the basic premise and it goes a little something like this.

"Experiments to develop a deadly nerve gas go wrong and a genetically altered Black Mamba escapes."

Uh, I don't really see the connection to water so I'm just going to take a wild guess and assume the film will be set either on a boat or inside an deep sea lab. But hey, it's a movie about big killer Black Mamba and we haven't had one of those yet. At this rate, b-moviemakers are going to eventually run out of different kinds of snakes to monstrisize. I for one am holding out hope for a movie about a giant mutated Black Racer that can slither around at over 200 mph. You listening, UFO execs?

With any luck DEADLY WATERS will air, do really well in the ratings, and lead to a BOA VS. PYTHON VS. MAMBA movie so we call all die happy.

Also coming to the Sci-Fi Channel by way of UFO:

GRAVELAND - In the near future, the first manned mission to Mars crashes. Once there, the crew discovers an ancient civilization of Martians that may actually represent the origins of mankind. Now, the castaways must repair their space shuttle and escape before they are done in by the seemingly hostile Martians or the intensely rugged terrain.

Starring C. Thomas Howell and David Chokachi. Best I can tell the movie has either been sitting around for quite some time or has spent a long time in development before actually getting filmed. I can confirm that the movie does exist. Whether or not that is a good thing remains to be seen.

ALIEN SIEGE - An alien army invades Earth, demanding the sacrifice of one million humans. In exchange, the aliens offer biological tools that could cure disease and neutralize ecological dangers. But, a small band of the human prisoners begin a rebellion to stop the extraterrestrial attack.

Stars Brad "LEFT BEHIND, but enough about my Hollywood career" Johnson and "whatever happened to…" Carl Weathers. Sci-Fi Channel premiere is already set for February 26th.

STRATOSPHERE - Funny story. The producer jokingly referred to the movie online once as "Death Cloud" and Variety actually picked up the story using that as the supposed title of the film. Not much real info on this one at this time but I do know the basic concept. Some nanotechnology goes haywireand gets into our atmosphere causing worldwide weather patterns to go berserk and the only people that can save us from a technometeorlogical catastrophe are Daredevil's dad and Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Year!

I'm sure there are many more UFO projects in the works we don't even know about yet. ***shudders***

INDEX

YORK

There is another company out there that's almost as dependable as UFO and Nu Image when it comes to putting out questionable genre flicks but they don't get nearly the ink those other two do. The company I speak of is direct-to-video distributor York Entertainment. This is the company that can list movies like ANKLE BITERS, EL CHUPACABRA, AMERICAN VAMPIRE, AQUANOIDS, and the SCARECROW franchise on their resume. And that's just their horror movies. Want more?

NOT DEAD ENOUGH - Ex-convinct, John Silva, has his life going in the right direction with a good job, a beautiful wife, and a lovely daughter. His comfortable existence is drastically altered when he comes home early and finds his wife cheating with another man. Full of rage and pain John brutally kills his wife and her lover. Unfortunately John is not done. John's next victim is his baby daughter. The police luckily break down the door and prevent the killing, but not before he takes his own life. Twenty years later, a woman moves into the same house where the murders occured. She soon realizes that an evil spirit haunts the house. John is back and has unfinished business to take care of. Will the woman be able to fend off the evil soul or will she succumb to his evil ambitions?

Whoever came up with the title for this one didn't TRY HARD ENOUGH. What an awful title and for some reason I keep visualizing a ghostly Eminem everytime I look at the artwork. Is it just me? As for the plot, why do I get the feeling that the woman that moves into the house will turn out to be the guy's daughter all grown up? Do I win a prize if get it right?

CORPSES - When a young man cheats death, the undead bursts forth from their graves on a mission to reclaim him for their master.

Sounds like FINAL DESTINATION with zombies to me. The description alone doesn't really appeal to me but this movie may have some potential since Rolfe Kanefsky, who made the cult hit There's Nothing Out There, directed it. On the other hand, this is the same guy who since then has been making movies like SEX FILES: ALIEN EROTICA and THE EROTIC MISADVENTURES OF THE INVISIBLE MAN.

BIG BAD BOOGEYMAN - When a young girl witnesses a murder by a creature of the darkness; she becomes The Boogey Man's next target and must find a way to defend herself from his supernatural assault.

Every single time I read that title I keep envisioning a 300-pound black pro wrestler circa 1980. I can just hear the ring announcer screaming "Oh no! The Big Bad Boogeyman has a chair! Somebody stop him!" But maybe that's just me. Other than that this flick just sounds like your standard issue supernatural horror flick. And why would a supernatural creature care if somebody saw it killing someone? Is the girl going to testify against him in court or something?

DR. CHOPPER - When their car breaks down while taking a shortcut, a young couple runs into a group of cannibalistic highwaymen led by a sadistic, axe-wielding "Dr. Chopper."

So we're talking WRONG TURN meets THE ROAD WARRIOR here? How a movie with that plot was never made back in the 80's boggles my mind. With any luck this will eventually lead to DR. CHOPPER VS. DR. GIGGLES movie.

UNBURIED - An innocent family, wrongly killed for crimes they didn't commit, are awoken from their graves by the teenage descendents of their accusers, and embark on a revenge-filled killing spree.

Ah, a whole family of Crow wannabes. It's always nice to see people doing things together as a family even if it is mass murder from beyond the grave. This one should rent well in the red states.

10,001 SCARECROWS - A terrifying living scarecrow is destroyed in an explosion, but the individual pieces come back to life as a scarecrow army bent on destroying the kids responsible for its demise.

If the number of scarecrows in the movie turns out to be less than 10,001 can we all get together and file a class action lawsuit against York Entertainment? And yes, this is the 4th installment in the Scarecrow franchise. They didn't even wait to see if SCARECROW GONE WILD did well before making this next one. At this rate the SCARECROW franchise will soon rival the WITCHCRAFT series in terms of unwanted sequels.

MISTER STIXX - A young man with a rare brittle bone disease fashions a bizarre set of splints and stilts and seeks revenge on those who tormented him.

Woohoo! Mr. Glass goes on a killing spree! Where's Samuel L. Jackson when you need him? At least this will be one slasher that shouldn't be too hard to defeat. Just knock him over.

TORTURER - When a girl is murdered, her death unleashes a mysterious torturer who stalks her cheerleader classmates for answers.

If this was from Japan and featured tentacle rape I'd say it sounded like a hentai plot. All I want to know is does this mysterious torturer actually kill the girls too or does it just invoke the Patriot Act in order to get answers leading to the real criminal mastermind?

COLD CALLER - When a young man dials the wrong number on his cell phone, he unleashes a hellish telemarketer who stalks him through his phone, e-mail and any other electronic device.

Aren't all telemarketers hellish? I thought that pretty much went without sayng? I really do hope the tagline they use is "In 2005, Satan Will Harass You!"

INDEX

REGENT

There has never been a good Chupacabra movie and that's a damn shame. While there have been quite a few low budget Chupacabra flicks to come down the pike the past few years, much like their title monster, they all really suck. That streak will either continue or finally come to an end January 29 when CHUPACABRA: DARK SEAS premieres on the Sci-Fi Channel. Amazingly, CHUPACABRA: DARK SEAS is not a Nu Image or UFO Films production. That honor goes to Regent Entertainment, who from the looks of things will soon be rivaling those other two studios for Sci-Fi Channel b-movie supremacy or joining with them to complete some sort of Sci-Fi Channel b-movie unholy trinity.

In the movie, a scientist successfully captures the Mexican Goatsucker, locks it inside a crate, and tries importing it to America on board ocean liner. Suffice it to say, it gets loose and goes on a killing spree. Otherwise, there wouldn't be much of a movie. It's up to Babylon 5's Dylan Neal and LORD OF THE RINGS John Rhys-Davies to put a stop to the monster's rampage.

CHUPACABRA: DARK SEAS features creature effects by the duo of Ken Neiderbaumer and Mark Viniello, both veterans of Rick Baker's and Stan Winston's f/x studios. In fact, Viniello himself donned the Chupacabra costume for the flick. Not a bad looking design if you ask me, although I do think looks a bit more like a Buffy, the Vampire Slayer demon than the cryptozoological creature it's based on. Still, the fact that they're using a rubber suit in place of bad CGI automatically scores the movie points in my book.

The trailer for the film is online albeit under the film's alternate title CHUPACABRA TERROR, which is a really lame title if you ask me yet still better than the one they settled on. The filmmakers promise the film will sport a high body count and from the looks of the trailer, the Chupacabra will rack up that body count by constantly sneaking up behind people and pouncing on them. See for yourself.

CHUPACABRA: DARK SEAS TRAILER

As the old saying goes, there are only three guarantees in life: death, taxes, and direct-to-video shark movies.

Regent Entertainment presents BLUE DEMON, which sadly is not about the legendary Mexican wrestler of the same name, but the 1,000,000,000th direct-to-video shark movie to come down the pike. This one has Michelle Phfeiffer's little sis Deedee battling obviously computer generated sharks. It also has the loopiest plot yet for a direct-to-video shark movie.

Drs. Nathan and Marla Collins are shark experts working on a top-secret government project: To protect our shorelines by creating controlled shark patrols. When their project is sabotaged, the mutant great white sharks are released into American waterways. Out among the general population the smartest of the sharks, Red Dog, carries a neutron bomb on a mission to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge.

I don't know what's more amusing - the idea of suicide bomber sharks or someone naming a shark "Red Dog". Hey, you got to give them credit. The plot is at least different than the usual Nu Image Jaws knock-off. The world's first suicide bomber shark movie and it's about damn time!

No word yet when the movie will see the light of day on video store shelves or on a certain television network whose name rhymes with "hi-fi", so for the time being we'll just have to settle for the film's trailer, which you can see by clicking below.

BLUE DEMON TRAILER

Jeff Fahey is listed as one of the stars, but I don't see him anywhere in the trailer. Hmmm...Maybe Red Dog ate him?

GLASS TRAP - When an experiment to control the spread of deadly fire ants by genetic alteration goes wrong, a group of human victims find themselves trapped in an urban skyscraper with the vicious over-sized insects. Their only hope for rescue lies with Dr. Roberta "Robbie" Trudeau, the scientist who originally created the mutant ants, and who now must figure out how to destroy them.

It stars C. Thomas Howell, Stella Stevens, and Martin Kove and is directed by Fred Olen Ray. Let's break this down.

Martin Kove = positive. Fred Olen Ray = negative. Killer ants = positive. Obvious CGI ants = negative. C. Thomas Howell = negative. Stella Stevens giving birth to Andrew Stevens = negative.

Even though the movie math is not in this film's favor, I must admit I am curious to see it when it comes out later this year. The trailer is rather iffy too.

GLASS TRAP TRAILER

SEA GHOST - A massive oil tanker of the Alaskan coast unleashes a deadly creature.

A deadly creature that can shapeshift into different cast members and likes to play mindgames with people. After all, that's much cheaper than just having a monster run amok. It stars Billy Warlock and was directed by Jim Wynorski. Definately appears to have been made on the cheap. Judging by the trailer, expect massive amounts of sucktitude from this one.

SEA GHOST TRAILER

DEEP EVIL - Two Operatives are sent to a top-secret research lab to help contain a mutating virus.

Starring Lorenzo Lamas and Ona "I swung a sword and jiggled my jugs in HOUSE OF THE DEAD" Grauer. For whatever reason, Lorenzo Lamas and sci-fi films tend to make for a rather unpleasant combination. If you don't believe me then try sitting through DARK WATERS or RAPTOR ISLAND. Deep evil or deep hurting?

DEEP EVIL TRAILER

BLOOD ANGELS - Lean, Leslie, Brigitte, Roxie and Buzz run a traveling rave - and also happen to be vampires, five beautiful and strong women who are still thralls to Mr. Jones, the cruel master vampire who created them.

Their attempt to cast a powerful magical spell that will release them from the master's brutal clutches is threatened by the arrival of Ashley, Leslie's curious teenaged sister, and Jimbo, a shy young hero who is smitten by Ashley - but when Jones himself arrives, the ladies know they're in for the fight of their undead lives.

Stars Lorenzo Lamas (Again so soon?) and a bevy of beauties (Wonder how many Lamas nailed while filming the movie?). As God is my witness, I honestly think this might turn out to be a great deal of cheesy fun. Check out the trailer for yourself. Even Lamas looks like he's having a good time hamming it up.

BLOOD ANGELS TRAILER

KILLER BASH - Thirty years ago, Robert Hyde, an outcast college student, was killed in a fraternity prank by the five members of the Delta boys. All this time, his tortured spirit has been haunting the campus, waiting for the perfect opportunity for revenge. Now, a generation has passed and the sons of his five murderers are the new big men on campus and Robert has the perfect plan to kill each and every one of them. He's taking over the body of Becky Jekyl, a misfit campus loser who is mercilessly teased by the popular crowd. He's giving her a major makeover, turning her from ugly dorm duckling to sorority swan, and granting her entry into the in-crowd's inner circle.

Becky doesn't understand what's happening to her, but she loves her newfound popularity. She fears she's going insane when her special powers start causing tragic accidents and the Delta boys begin dropping one by one.

Her sudden social status and its powerful effects have left her full of questions. Can she prevent a student body massacre beyond her control? How will she protect the Delta boy she secretly loves? What should she do to stop the biggest party of the year from turning into the ultimate Killer Bash?

This is the one of three new movies directed by David Decoteau. Mark your calendar, folks. 2005 - the year David Decoteau discovers the vagina!

THE SISTERHOOD - A naive college student finds herself drawn to the hottest sorority on campus and its seductive leader. When warned that its members exist to serve evil, she must choose to destroy this sisterhood, or embrace it.

Decoteau seems to be chasing his own tail because this looks to be almost an exact retread of his BROTHERHOOD films only with a sex change and some gratuitous lesbianism tossed in. No thanks. Not even a sex change can improve this lame concept. Poor Barbera Crampton, so it has come to this?

THE SISTERHOOD TRAILER

WITCHES OF THE CARIBBEAN - Seventeen-year-old Angela suffers from a recurring nightmare about a 16th century witch burned to death on a dark and mysterious beach. To find an explanation to this nightmare and reclaim her life, she flies to a two-week retreat for troubled teens on the Caribbean island of Matau, run by noted child psychologist Professor Avebury. Little does Angela realize that Matau hides a horrific secret history, nor does she know that her nightmares stem from this very spot.

Upon her arrival, Angela meets the other troubled teenagers attending the retreat, all of whom seem to play a role in the mystery of her dream. In particular, the enigmatic Bethany claims to be a witch and secretly seduces the other teens into joining her coven. Bethany is acutely interested in Angela, and once she taps into the dark forces at her disposal, nothing seems to be beyond Bethany's reach, including revealing to Angela her own secret past.

Gradually, Angela realizes that her nightmares aren't dreams at all, but memories of her past life. This scenario places Angela among the other island colonist of 16th century Matau and present at the execution of a convicted witch. As the true nature of the frightening nightmare unfolds, Bethany seems determined to either seduce or destroy Angela. With the witching hour ticking closer, Angela must solve the mystery of the Caribbean island and its legendary witch coven.

The last of the David Decoteau trilogy and all I can say is "Ugh!" If the trailer is any indication of the film's quality (or lack thereof) then this flick is going to be an absolute endurance test. Maybe Mr. Decoteau should stick to making horror flicks geared towards young gay men. The world awaits LEECHES 2: THE SUCKENING.

WITCHES OF THE CARIBBEAN TRAILER

FAULTLINE - On an island off the coast to Florida, a seismologist must rescue his estranged wife from the effects of a massive earthquake that has ripped through a resort town. Starring Melrose Place's Doug Savant and Brandy "ex-Penthouse Pet & Cinemax After Dark vixen" Ledford. Directed by Rex Piano.

It will be interesting to see how cheesy disaster movies like this play given the recent tsunami tragedy. Then again, we were told that movies of that sort would go out of style after 9/11 and I think we all know that was definitely not the case. This one has "Made for the PAX Network" written all over it. Everytime I see the name Rex Piano I keep thinking it would be perfect for some detective noir. Rex Piano - classical pianist by day, hardboiled gumshoe by night! Where's Mickey Spillane when we need him?

FAULTLINE TRAILER

CAVE IN - Pat Bogen knows all about the perils of mining. And now she has just been hired to replace her retiring father as Superintendent of the mine. Soon after, a tragedy occurs leaving four people trapped, including Pat's husband Chief and rookie son Rabbit. While the men above are drilling to get through, sparks ignite a fire in a methane-filled shaft, jeopardizing rescue efforts. With the men still trapped and Chief now badly injured, Pat and the old guard must put aside their differences and work together to save them. Stars Mimi Rogers and Ted Shackelford. Directed by Rex Piano.

A husband named Chief, a son named Rabbit, and a director named Rex Piano… Do I really need a witty comment here?

CAVE IN TRAILER

KILLER BEES - Each year farmers of Sumas Washington pay top dollar to beekeepers to pollinate their produce. This year after the bees were brought in, people started to die mysterioiusly. Sheriff Harris and a local bee expert discovered that this year's batch of bees contains a swarm of African Killer Bees attacking everything that moves. Looking for a new hive, the bees head for the Exhibition Hall trapping a dozen people, including the Sheriff's family. The only way to exterminate the bees is to douse the Hall with gasoline, set it on fire, and hope everyone escapes before the Hall goes down in flames.

This already aired a short while back on the Pax Network - the only television network that may actually have Lifetime and Sci-Fi beat in the crap movie department - and word is that it was awful, but I'm including it anyways only because of who it stars. It's C. Thomas Howell vs. killer freakin' bees! I'm rooting for the bees!

KILLER BEES TRAILER

A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS (aka TOO COOL FOR CHRISTMAS) - The day before Christmas, sixteen-year-old Lindsay is too cool for it all. On a last minute shopping trip to the mall, she runs into Santa who confides that he and Mrs. Claus have lost their spark and he has no idea how to get it back. Although Lindsay thinks the guy's a bit of a nut, she takes the old man under her wing, making over the heavy-set, fading icon from Santa Geek to Christmas chic and learning the true meaning of Christmas in the process.

The heartwaming tale of a spoiled young woman that learns the true meaning of Christmas while teaching Santa and Mrs. Claus how to get their freak on! Actually, it seems to have more to do with a mallrat giving Kris Kringle an extreme makeover. They should have called it A VERY TAN CHRISTMAS instead because they actually cast George Hamilton as the Tannest Santa Ever! You just can't make stuff like this up. Also along for the ride is Donna Mills as Mrs. Tannest Santa Ever. I think everyone should put this one on their must see list. Just watch the trailer and then tell me this isn't destined to become a Yuletide classic. The special effects for the flying car are as good as anything Rankin-Bass ever did. Too bad this is a live action movie.

A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS TRAILER

INDEX

CINETEL

Cinetel Films - because the Sci-Fi Channel just doesn't have enough companies making crap fast enough for them!

KOMODO VS. KING COBRA - When a top secret island research facility goes dark, a crack team of commandos is sent to investigate. Once there, they are shocked to find that giant Komodos and Cobras live on this island and they're really hungry. Now with the deck stacked against them, and nearly no hope for survival, the team is locked in a battle of survival with two of nature's most formidable predators. Directed by the living legend Jim Wynorski.

I can safely say that this will indeed be the single greatest motion picture in movie history, at least until someone finally gets around to producing my Catfish vs. Snapping Turtle film.

SHOCKWAVE - When a plane carrying a pair of top secret military robots crashes on a deserted Pacific island, a team of Navy seals must find them and turn them off as soon as possible for the longer they are activated, the smarter they become. In pre-production.

Sounds like RAPTOR ISLAND meets I, ROBOT. That's probably not a good thing. I think they should change the title to I, LAND myself. Yeah, that joke was incredibly lame. One can only hope the movie isn't nearly as so.

ERUPTION - During a test of Project Eruption, a scientist is blasted by the top secret device and finds himself with the power to control the weather. Both the U.S. government and a group of terrorists want him for use as a weapon. But using his new found power is slowly killing him, and he must choose between saving himself or the world. In pre-production.

Wow, this sounds like the kind of superpowered human being movie that would have been made for television back in the late 70's and probably starred Marjoe Gortner or Bo Svenson. Only problem here is just reading the synopsis tells you the ending. You just know he's going to sacrifice himself to save the world.

SOLAR STRIKE - The largest coronal mass emission (CME) ever detected by scientists breaks off from the sun and hurtles toward the Earth. With temperatures soaring higher, the sky on fire and the continued existence of the human race in question, scientists must explode the polar ice caps to stop the CME. Will it backfire or save life as we know it? In pre-production.

I can't imagine exploding the polar ice caps would in the long run prove to be a positive even if it saves us from the immediate threat of a giant solar flare. Good thing there isn't a giant wave of ice heading towards our planet or else we'd probably have to detonate some nukes at the Earth's core with hopes that it will cause every volcano on the planet to erupt, thus melting the ice as it enters our atmosphere. Hey, I think I just came up with their sequel.

FIRE FROM ABOVE - A massive firestorm unleashes a dormant species of fire creatures set on a path of destruction. In pre-production.

Dammit, and we already blew up the polar ice caps! Now what are we gonna do?

CAVED IN - An extreme adventure tour group descends into an abandoned mine. They prepare for rockslides, black outs, cave-ins -- whatever might threaten their journey. What they're not prepared for is the gravest danger of all -- a silent, swift killer long hidden in the cavernous earth. Some of the "tourists" are actually scheming treasure hunters, and as their real motives for entering the mineral rich mine become apparent, the group finds itself lost, divided, and facing a predator they could never have imagined.

Sounds quite a bit like the recent movie CENTIPEDE! Not surpising, this film is also being produced exclusively for the Sci-Fi Channel. For some reason monster movies set in caves look to be coming back into style. I wonder how long it will be until someone decides to remake WHAT WAITS BELOW?

CERBERUS - The hounds of hell have been released -- and only the power of hell can stop them. Caught up in an international plot to steal the sword of Attila the Hun, and with it rule over the world, art historian Samantha Gaines finds herself face-to-face with the mythical three-headed dogs said to guard over the treasure. Now, the bloodthirsty beasts are loose, and no earthly power can contend with their wrath. Only the sword itself has the power to challenge them, but wielding that cursed weapon is the hardest thing that Samantha has ever had to do. Starring Greg Evigan and directed by John Terlesky for the Sci-Fi Channel. In post-production.

Prediction: She kills Cerberus with Attila's sword. What do I win? They really are cross referencing cultures any mythologies with this one. Attila the Hun's sword and Cerberus; I didn't know Attila was Greek. But hey, it stars the guy from BJ & The Bear and is directed by the star of DEATHSTALKER II. Now that's a combo!

DESCENT - When cracks in the Earth's crust large enough to swallow a city block appear, a team of scientists must go deep into the Earth to find a way to stop the destruction. Starring Luke Perry and Michael Dorn.

A knock-off of THE CORE starring Dylan McKay and Lt. Worf? Descent would also be the opportune word to describe their career trajectories.

SUB ZERO - After a satellite containing classified information crashes into a mountain peak, a team of experienced climbers and military personnel must race to retrieve the sensitive data despite the risk of an impending blizzard and avalanche. Starring Costas Mandylor, Nia Peeples, and Linden Ashby. Directed by Jay Andrews (aka Jim Wynorski).

The password is: Generic.

INDEX

CINE EXCEL

We now move on to Cine Excel Entertainment, or as you and I call them, the folks that helped give the world FUTURE WAR.

You know what we don't get enough of these days? Kickboxing monster movies! You pretty much have to seek out Japanese superhero shows just to see some man vs. monster martial arts action nowadays and that kiddie stuff just doesn't cut it for me anymore. I want to see some white knuckle, no holds barred, man-on-monster brutality. We nearly got some a few years ago when Jean Claude Van Damme was going to star in a movie that would have had him kickboxing the crap out of Bigfoot. Sadly, that movie fell through and thus deprived us what surely would have been one of the all-time great movie spectacles.

Thank goodness for Cine Excel Entertainment and their upcoming film REPTILICANT, which looks to give me the fix I so dearly crave. What is a Reptilicant, you ask?

Part Reptile
Part Replicant
Pure Rage

How can you not love that tagline?

The man that will be throwing punches and kicks in the direction of the half reptile/half replicant creature of pure rage will be none other than direct-to-video martial arts star Gary Daniels. The British born ass kicker has starred in a slew of (mostly forgettable) low budget martial arts movies since the early 1990's, including the disastrous live action film version of the anime FIST OF THE NORTH STAR. Daniels is probably most fondly remembered as Jackie Chan's nemesis in the hysterical live action STREET FIGHTER video game sequence from CITY HUNTER. Heck, that five minute scene alone was more entertaining than all of Van Damme's movie version of the game.

As for what to expect in REPTILICANT leading up to Gary Daniels laying the smackdown on the titular lizard man, Cine Excel provided me with a lengthy synopsis for the film (My Dread Central journalistic credentials come in handy sometimes!) that almost seems to require its own spoiler warning since it goes into quite a bit of detail.

"Ryan Moore (Gary Daniels), the FBI's premiere criminal profiler, is pulled from his vacation to investigate the ruthless massacre of a dozen people and the discovery of over 20 million dollars in diamonds on the now retired prison of Alcatraz. The only person living is a blood splattered treasure hunter named Dannie Miles. When Moore questions her she tells a horrific tale of greed, courage, destruction, and an alien monster, a creature who can transform itself at will into other living beings, a creature known as the REPTILICANT.

Dannie and her team operated this treasure hunt like a military operation, taking over the island and searching for the treasure. But when they crossed paths with the Reptilicant each member of the team was killed horribly. At the end, Dannie descibed how even she was killed by the creature.

How can this be, wonders the FBI profiler? And then he discovers he has not been investigating the prisoner but the prisoner has been investigating him. The creature is intelligent, has supernatural strength, and can replicate anyone. Moore is powerless against the monster. But the treasure hunters had found a weakness to the alien invader. The armor-plated alien skin is only vulnerable to the earth's hardest substance, diamonds. With this in mind Moore wraps his strips of his t-shirt around his fists and coats them with the fortune in diamonds. If Moore can exploit this weakness he may be the last man standing, but until then he must run and hide from the terrible REPTILICANT."

Okay, so not only are we going to get some R-rated man vs. man in a rubber monster suit kickboxing action but it is going to culminate in the world's most expensive Taipei deathmatch? If the Reptilicant itself can throwdown as well as it can replicate others than this has the potential to be the greatest fight scene in the history of motion pictures. Screw Van Damme savate kicking Sasquatch!

Do you realize that 2004 marked the 50th anniversary of THEM!, the all-time classic giant ant movie? There really haven't been any new giant ant movies since other than EMPIRE OF THE ANTS, at least none I can think of. I definitely think we are overdue for another atomic age style giant ant movie and it looks as if that is something we are soon going to get because here comes GIANTS. Get it? GIANTS? Sure, it's an overly gimmicky title but then what else would you expect from a movie with a plot like this:

"A meteor, initially projected to pass by earth, collides with the Space Lab, sending it on a catastrophic spiral towards earth. The spaceship eventually crashes into a nuclear reactor, causing fatal global fallout.

Years later, when the world has emerged from darkness, strange events begin to occur. Throughout the world, giant ants appear...very hungry."

Pardon my interruption but I just have to step in here for a moment. Did I really just read that not only does the movie open with a global nuclear catastrophe but said global nuclear catastrophe will only serve as the catalyst for the real threat to mankind? When nuclear fallout on a global scale proves to be the least of man's troubles then you know mankind has issues. Also, it must not have been one of those Mad Max-style global catastrophes because from what little I've seen the world looks to be pretty much the same as now. Must have been more of a global nuclear annoyance.

Anyway, back to the synopsis.

"Under the astute guidance of entomologist, J. P. Gastone, and pest exterminator, Marcus C. Howe, the world unites in battle against these gigantic creatures.

However, the world has forgotten one fact about this army of ants… they are slaves to their queen, willing to sacrifice life and limb to protect her. Soon the war transforms into a military assault against the flying ant queen.

For mankind, life is precious. For the ants, life is a picnic!"

Okay, that "life is a picnic" tagline is just a little to precious for my taste.

Despite the obvious CGI nature of the ants themselves, I have to give Cine Excel Entertainment credit for even being ambitious enough to attempt something on this scale on what is obviously a very low budget.

MAGMA: EARTH'S MOLTEN CORE - It has the power of 10,000 atomic bombs, a temperature of 2,000 degrees and can travel up to 100 kilometers per hour. It is Magma: Earth's Molten Core.

J. Scott Johnson as Ryan Kristoff explodes like a volcano in this cosmic tale of natural destruction. Ryan, once a decorated naval captain must fight his past and inner demons to save his family from the "dormant" Mount Diablo.

His estranged wife (Tina-Desireé Berg), a distinguished geologist, realizes that the fabled Diablo is about to erupt. She embarks on a mission to convince the local authorities to evacuate the city.

Once the Mayor refuses to believe that the sleeping volcano has awoken, Ryan decides to take matters into his own hands. He hijacks a nuclear submarine with the intention of attacking Mount Diablo. However, If he aims too high, there will be radiation from the nuclear fallout; too low and the lava will flow even faster. Can Ryan stop the Magma or will Mount Diablo destroy them all?

The folks at Cine Excel were nice enough to send me a DVD-R featuring a bunch of trailers for many of their films and I got the view the trailer for this one that isn't even online. Imagine a really low budget a war movie combined with a really low budget disaster movie. It literally looked like the military was trying to declare war on a volcano. To be honest, the trailer wasn't all that impressive but then came a moment of jaw dropping insanity worth noting. You see a shot of an attack helicopter accompanied by the voice of someone saying they have permission to attack the volcano. Next thing you know...

A shadowy figure just skydives straight into the erupting volcano without ever bothering to open his parachute. I'm sitting there watching this and thinking, "WTF?" Now I know I must see this movie if only to get some explanation as to why someone was doing a suicide dive into a volcano.

VAMPIRE ASSASSIN - Ron Hall explodes on screen as an overly ambitious cop with a serious problem. As a child, the murder of his father left him scarred with an irrational fear of blood. When Derek conducts an unauthorized sting against notorious counterfeiter Gustoff Slovak, it ends in a bloodbath where his team is killed. Barely surviving, Derek is force to face the horror of something he could never have imagined. Slovak is actually a vampire!

Suspended from duty and shunned by his colleagues, Derek meets Master Kao, the last of a long line of great vampire hunters. Impressed that Derek has managed to survive, he agrees to instruct him the ways of the assassin.

Derek discovers not only was Slovak once one of the most powerful vampires hunters, but it was he who killed his father. If Derek hopes to stop Slovak, not only must he overcome his fear of blood, he must become what he hates the most… a vampire himself!

It's high concept action, spine-tingling suspense and spectacular special effects. It's Man vs. Monster, Hero vs. Legend and Vampire vs.Vampire! Derek Washington is the Vampire Assassin.

Like most of you, my immediate reaction is, "Who the hell is Ron Hall?" I still have no idea. The movie looks like an ultra cheap BLADE wannabe with the biggest difference being that staking vampires causes them to experience the Quickening.

ANUBIS: GUARDIAN OF THE DEAD - Five jaded young friends foolishly read an Ancient Egyptian magic text that brings Anubis, the Egyptian God of the Dead, back to life. The result is catastrophic. As the body count rises, the survivors must find a way to send Anubis back to the underworld before they themselves become victims…

The Egyptian God of the Dead is reduced to running around the woods playing Jason. What's next? A movie about Greed God Hephaestus chasing some horny teenagers around an abandoned warehouse with really large hammer? Saaaaay...