2005 - What a year it has been.

2005 - The year that began with me interviewing Uwe Boll for The Horror Channel's Dread Central and will end with me, well, uh, interviewing Uwe Boll again for The Horror Channel's Dread Central.

2005 - The year where too many talented directors gave into their worst instincts for excess, whether it be in terms of film length or content (KING KONG, ELIZABETHTOWN, SIN CITY, GODZILLA: FINAL WARS).

2005 - The year where the question was asked, "Is America ready for a gay cowboy film" (BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN). I suspect most people could probably already answer "no" since America proved they weren't even ready to watch crippled guys in wheelchairs maim each other further playing rugby (MURDERBALL).

2005 - The year where film critic/conservative shill Michael Medved finally crossed the goal line of idiocy and spiked the football when during a discussion of the film BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN on The O'Reilly Factor he claimed the film would somehow tarnish the legacy of John Wayne and other cowboy movie greats. Just wait until he finds out that John Wayne's real first name was Marion.

2005 - The year where far too many movies that should have gone direct-to-video somehow ended up taking up screens at the neighborhood multiplex (INTO THE BLUE, SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE, A SOUND OF THUNDER, UNDISCOVERED, THE CAVE, REBOUND, THE WEDDING DATE, CRY WOLF, THE PERFECT MAN, UNDERCLASSMAN, KING'S RANSOM, IN THE MIX, ALONE IN THE DARK, THE RINGER).

2005 - The year where one of the year's best films was in black & white (GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK) and one of the very worst was in 3-D (THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL IN 3-D).

2005 - The year where Jessica Alba (SIN CITY, FANTASTIC FOUR, INTO THE BLUE) reminded us that even in this modern age some actresses are still better suited for silent films.

2005 - The year where horror films mainly fell into one of two categories: tame and mediocre attempts at fright involving lame illogical plot twists (HIDE AND SEEK, WHITE NOISE, BOOGEYMAN) or scare flicks that were primarily about being purely sadistic to the point of overkill (HIGH TENSION, THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, WOLF CREEK).

2005 - The year in which DC Comics saw the comic book movie tide turn in their favor; not so much because of the success of one of their films (BATMAN BEGINS) but more because of the lameness of most of Marvel's releases (ELEKTRA, MAN-THING, FANTASTIC FOUR).

2005 - The year that Rob Schneider proved once and for all just how incredibly unfunny he truly is by both starring in an incredibly unfunny film (DEUCE BIGELOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO) and hurling infantile insults at Roger Ebert and other noted film critics that he feels have failed to acknowledge his perceived comic genius.

2005 - The year where many a STAR WARS fan finally drank George Lucas' Kool-Aid and convinced themselves that REVENGE OF THE SITH was the STAR WARS prequel they had been waiting for. Here's a news flash: Darth Vader, quite possibly the most iconic movie villain of all time, the epitome of all that is evil in the universe, was actually nothing more than a whiny, arrogant, self absorbed dipshit that crossed over to the Dark Side because he felt those jealous Jedi failed to acknowledge just how magnificent he perceived himself to be. Thanks to George Lucas' lousy storytelling, Rob Schneider has about as much motivation for becoming Vader as Anakin Skywalker did. Oh, if only we could toss Rob Schneider into a volcano.

2005 - The year that saw even more unnecessary remakes and adaptations of old television shows and video games (TOO NUMEROUS TO LIST) and virtually every last one of them sucked (TOO NUMEROUS TO LIST).

2005 - The year that saw the release and surprise success of DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN, which much to my disappointment turned out to not be a Whitney Houston biopic.

2005 - The year in which arctic wildlife (MARCH OF THE PENGUINS) proved more of a box office draw than quite a few of Hollywood's most overpaid alleged superstars.

2005 - The year in which I decided to make it my life's mission to find the marketing person responsible for coming up with that long and cringe-inducing Fanta soft drink commercial touting the fake record album that seemed to air in front of half the films I saw this year, and when I find that person I will make them suffer in ways that could only be described as "biblical."

2005 - The year in which Jane Fonda returned to film after an extensive hiatus only to give one of the worst performances of the year in one of the worst movies of the year (MONSTER-IN-LAW); the same film that hopefully will soon lead to Jennifer Lopez going on an extensive hiatus from appearing in films.

2005 - The year in which certain devotees of Joss Whedon (SERENITY) proved that they can be just as delusional and psychotic as even the most hardcore Trekkies and STAR WARS fanatics.

2005 - The year where Anthony Anderson actuallyproved to the world that he really could pull off a serious dramatic role and a villainous one at that (on FX's The Shield) and yet was forced to follow up that great run with another bad comedy where he once again plays an obnoxious loudmouth (KING'S RANSOM).

2005 - The year that finally confirmed once and for all that John Carpenter just doesn't care anymore (THE FOG).

2005 - The year the Sci-Fi Channel continued to churn out crap movies on a bi-weekly basis (TOO NUMEROUS TO LIST) but at least provided a couple laughs along the way (SKELETON MAN, NATURE UNLEASHED: TORNADO) and two that actually may have the potential to become cult classics one day (MANSQUITO/THE FALLEN ONES).

2005 - The year where Schlocktoberfest was supposed to take a hiatus until the summer of 2006 only to see Hurricane Katrina pretty much set the entire Mississippi Gulf Coast back to 1986.

2005 - The year I finally got my blog (B-WARE THE BLOG!) up and going, only two plus years after I first came up with the idea of adding a regular blog to the website. Better late than never.

And with the end of 2005 it's once again time for yet another installment of my annual Top 10 list. Most critics do ten best lists and ten worst lists; I do a different kind of list devoted to the ten movies that even I as a devoted lover of bad cinema couldn't bring myself to pay to sit through and have no intentions of ever doing otherwise under any circumstances. So without further ado...

THE TOP TEN FILMS I DIDN'T PAY TO SEE IN 2005 AND, DAMMIT, I PLAN TO KEEP IT THAT WAY

10) FUN WITH DICK AND JANE
9) SON OF THE MASK
8) UNDISCOVERED
7) ARE WE THERE YET?
6) DUKES OF HAZZARD
5) MONSTER-IN-LAW
4) YOURS MINE & OURS
3) THE PACIFIER
2) DEUCE BIGELOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO
1) DOMINO

2005 was a banner year for dreadful attempts at comedy but the more I thought about it the more I realized that DOMINO, a film that I know quite a few people liked, was the most off-putting film for me of the past 12 months and thus gets my top slot this year as the film I least wanted to see more than any other. DOMINO got whored out for months on various online movie sites due to the talent involved (the cast consisting of usually reliable character actors, director Tony Scott, from the writer of DONNIE DARKO), but the more clips, trailers, and commercials I saw from this film the more turned off I became by it. I guess after SIN CITY I just had my fill of in your face, "look at how edgy and cool I am" cinema for the year to the point that no amount of convincing could get me to want to sit through this cinematic assault on the senses. It also didn't help that every single time I saw footage of 85 pounds soaking wet Keira Knightly holding a cigarette and trying to come across all tough and butch it struck me as being about as credible as Tara Reid trying to play the Virgin Mary. The reviews came out and were all over the map from awesome to confirming everything I suspected about the film in the first place. I'm going to just side with those this time out. Given the monumental flopping the film did at the box office, most people did as well. "My name is Domino Harvey." Well, my name is Scott Foy and I just don't give a crap about you.

When the topic of Italian cinema comes up in film school it's usually to talk about the masterworks of cinema that the likes of Federico Fellini gave to the world. This is not film school and I couldn't give a rat's ass about metaphorical clowns filmed in black & white to the tune of operatic music. When I talk about Italian cinema I'm going to be discussing that golden age from the late 1970s through the late 1980s when Italian cinemas' #1 export seemed to be cheap b-movie knock-offs of Hollywood blockbuster. Heck, I do believe that Italian produced ROAD WARRIOR and RAMBO clones pretty much kept the Italian film industry afloat in the mid-80s. If not, it sure seemed that way. But let's rewind the clock back to 1977; one year after Italian super producer Dino De Laurentiis would unleash his ill-fated remake of KING KONG upon moviegoers worldwide. Quality aside, De Laurentiis' KONG remake was a box office smash and success always breeds imitation and Italian b-movie makers of this time were on the cusp of becoming the ultimate imitators.

Enter YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY. No sane person will ever confuse it for quality cinema but a more entertaining "so bad it's good" movie you'll be hard pressed to find. That's why I chose it to be the centerpiece of Schlocktoberfest 2003: Schlock & Awe, the best damn bad film festival that virtually nobody saw; not to be confused with Schlocktoberfest 2004: The Schlockening, the second best damn bad film festival that virtually nobody saw. Most people have probably only seen YETI from the time it was featured on horror hostess' Elvira, Mistress of the Dark's syndicated show. If it ever got a theatrical run in the United States I couldn't tell you since I wasn't even in preschool when it first came out. Sadly, YETI has never been given a proper release on home video or DVD which really is a travesty when you consider some of the movies you will find in either format. God bless those gray marketers and their bootlegs for helping spread the schlocky magnificence that is 1977's YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY.

An Italian production shot in Canada and then (badly) dubbed into English, YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY is a virtual treasure trove of schlock boasting a cornball plot, not so special effects, mind-boggling science, an uproarious theme song, and so on and so on. Even the opening credits of YETI set the stage for the goofiness to come. An ice blue rectangle borders the credits' footage making the very look of the opening credits an odd sight to see. This is amplified by the film's suitably bombastic score. But the real icing on the cake is the fact that the Italian filmmakers changed the names of many of the film's stars to make them sound less Italian and more westernized. Lead actress Antonellina Interlenghi is now billed as Phoenix Grant. In her case, the new westernized for international audiences name is itself a perplexing choice and I'm sure there's a story behind how they decided on the first name Phoenix. The Yeti himself is played by an Italian actor named Mimmo Crao. They westernized his name by changing Crao to Craig. Yes, Mimmo Craig, because they apparently felt that Mimmo was okay but Crao was just too foreign sounding. The director is billed as Frank Kramer. I assure you it was not. Look him up on IMDB and you'll find that is his real name has alot more syllables and sounds alot less American. The film wastes little time following the opening credits getting right to the discovery of the Yeti (or as it's pronounced by several of the voice actors providing the English dub - "Yay-tee") and introduction of the film's primary characters. Let's meet them?

First off is Professor Henry Waterman, an older looking nerdy scientist whose manner of dress could very well make him Where's Waldo?'s grandfather. He has discovered a giant frozen Abominable Snowman in a glacier floating off the coast of Newfoundland. His theory for how a Yeti from the Himalayas could end up frozen in a block of ice off the coast of Newfoundland involves the Yeti possibly taking a nap on the ice and getting caught in an avalanche where he was frozen. Then, following an earthquake, the ice broke off, floated about the Arctic until it finally arrived off the coast of Newfoundland where he discovered it frozen inside. Before anyone questions the plausibility of such a scientific hypothesis, do keep in mind that this is probably the single most scientifically sound concept introduced in the film. Hey, they never even bother trying to explain why the Yeti is 50 feet tall. Then again, the Yeti's size seems to change at times. Continuity was never one of the strong suits of Italian b-cinema.

THE GUINNESS PEOPLE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO CREATE A NEW CATEGORY HONORING THE WORLD'S LARGEST WYNONNA JUDD ICE CREAM STATUE

Next up is billionaire industrialist Morgan Hunnicutt. The Professor describes him as a portly Daddy Warbucks type but I personally think he looks more like George Wendt if he were cast as Dr. Who. As a matter of fact, the audience at Schlocktoberfest was instructed to yell out something every time Hunnicutt appeared on-screen. What were they supposed to yell, you dare ask?

NORM!!!

One thing I was never able to figure out was why Hunnicutt's company logo had two H's and others even referred to him as "HH" if his first name was Morgan. Either something got mixed up in the translation or I missed something or this was just one of the many well thought out concepts introduced within the 107 minute of YETI. As for his multimillions, exactly what Hunnicutt's company specializes in is never specifically detailed other than to say he has his grubby paws in everything from oil to shopping malls to spaghetti.

Hunnicutt and the Professor are old friends from way back, although they're more likely to talk to each other like two old farts having a spat. Hunnicutt even refers to the professor as "you old brain box" at one point, an insult, I think, that sadly failed to make its way into the cultural lexicon. Despite being a brilliant scientist, the Professor is also either incredibly naive or occasionally falls victim to being a blithering idiot because he sees Hunnicutt's involvement in providing the equipment needed to thaw out the Yeti as a contribution to science when in reality HH is just scheming to exploit the Yeti as his new corporate mascot.

Hunnicutt has two grandchildren that apparently have nothing better to do with their lives than hang out at semi-frozen excavation sites with a dorky looking scientist and his crew. Jane is a very attractive young woman of unspecified age played by Phoenix Grant. I guess you can already figure out that she's going to be the Fay Wray to the Yeti's King Kong. Other than being attractive and very protective of her kid brother there really isn't very much to her role; not exactly Fay Wray here. That kid brother is Herbie, a young Elijah Wood look-a-like unfortunately dressed in a suit and bow tie combination much like his grandfather. Grandpa Morgan may be able to pull that look off in a colorful grandfatherly way but young Herbie just ends up looking like a total dweeb. Young Herbert "Herbie" Hunnicutt is a mute, having not said a word since the plane crash that claimed their parents' lives. We all know the rules of cinema designate that such a character will finally come out of his state before the film's end, most likely during a crucial moment where the sound of their voice will be of great prominence. YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY is the exception that proves the rule. Herbie starts the film as a mute and is still voiceless by the time the credit's roll. This is probably for the best considering the child actor's obviously limited acting range consisting primarily of either grinning like and idiot or trying to show emotion through a combination of facial expressions and hand gestures in such a pathetic manner it proves laughable at best.

HUNNICUTT KIDS,
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
THEY CAN'T TALK.
NO! NO! NO!

For reasons only the producers could accurately explain, most likely because someone involved was a really big Lassie fan, Herbie has a pet Collie named Indio and this pooch has far to prominent a role in the film, even getting to play Lassie going for help at one point.

Lurking amongst our heroes is the well groomed evil of the man known only as Cliff, a dashing yet diabolical man that looks like Don Johnson with George Hamilton's tan. Cliff's true evil isn't overtly obvious from the start aside from his constant leering at Jane in a way that I imagine Colin Farrell probably does every time he spots a model he's determined to make his latest sexual conquest. Jane responds with polite indifference or possibly obliviousness to Cliff's sexual interest in her but as the film goes on and Cliff's inner slimeball manifests itself her reaction to him will grow increasingly hostile and rightfully so. According to IMDB, the actress playing Jane was only about 16 or 17 years old when she made the film making his leering all the more sleazier. It also makes my leering at her somewhat sleazy but then I tell myself that she's close to 45 years old today so my leering at her is okay. That's my logic and I'm standing by it.

THE WORLD'S ONLY EXISTING GROUP PHOTO OF LASSIE, MARCIA BRADY, FRODO, WHERE'S WALDO, JAMES FRANCISCUS, AND J. EDGAR HOOVER'S DEATHMOBILE

But this movie is called YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY and that means that the real star would be the Yeti himself. We'll get to him soon enough, but first we have to thaw him out.

The Professor believes that it may be possible to revive the Yeti and devises a plan to thaw out the Yeti involves melting the ice around him until there's just a giant Yeti-cicle which will then be stood up straight via chains and secured inside of a giant phone booth-looking thing which will then be harnessed to a helicopter piloted by the Professor, Jane, Herbie, and Cliff and airlifted to the same altitude as the Himalayas where a combination of the cool, thin air and electro stimulation will awaken the sleeping giant. I believe this was a scientific principle that Mr. Wizard devised just before he shot himself.

POP QUIZ TIME: CAN YOU SPOT THE CONTINUITY ERROR?

And it works! Hooray! Oh, wait, now there's a giant wildman going nutzoid in that goofy contraption that's causing it and the helicopter to sway wildly. Guess someone didn't completely think this one through. Fortunately, they are able to lower the see-through Tardis safely to the ground. Hooray! Oh, wait, the Yeti just hopped out of the thing and he doesn't seem too happy to be in the 20th century. Everyone on the ground scatters. The helicopter lands and the Professor attempts to stop workers from shooting at the Yeti, as if the creature needs even more reason to go berserk. Before the fracas is done, people run screaming, trees are uprooted and hurled as weapons, Yeti makes off with Jane and Herbie, and Indio is forced to make like Lassie by running back to get help.

It's at this point that YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY transcends just being a KING KONG rip-off and becomes a camp classic thanks to the one and only Mimmo Craig, err... Crao. One of the biggest problems with most Kong wannabes has always been that the title monster has just been a man in a monkey suit with a monkey mask limiting the amount of emoting the creature can through facial expressions. That's not a problem here as the Yeti is actor Mimmo Crao who breaths over-the-top zaniness into the title monster by constantly making gonzo expressions with his face and eyes throughout the whole film. Combine those wacky faces with the fact that he looks like a deranged lumberjack in a cheap, shaggy Chewbacca costume complete with a Tina Turner fright wig (Or is it perhaps the world's largest mullet?) and what would have been just another bad Kong rip-off reaches the heights of unintended hilarity that few b-movies can. Let's take a few moments to enjoy, no, to honor, the true star of this masterpiece of schlock with a montage highlighting just a few of the many, many memorable faces of Mimmo Crao as the "Yay-tee."

CRAZY FACE

ANGRY FACE

WORRIED FACE

SURPRISED FACE

HAPPY FACE

SAD FACE

"WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?" FACE

I can't prove it but I also believe that the Yeti taught Howard Dean the "Dean Scream." Perhaps not, but both are clearly cut from the same cloth.

Yeti takes Jane and Herbie to a secluded stretch of woods near a lake where he fishes and brings back some seafood for dinner. Jane and Herbie aren't much for sushi so Yeti throws them a bone literally. Yeti then attempts to bond with Jane through their shared love for good grooming, although in this case I do believe the monster has a far more impressive do than the heroine. As the Professor will come to tell us a short while later, Jane and Herbie remind Yeti of his own wife and son from prehistoric times. How the Professor could possibly ever know this is beyond me. For all we know the Jane and Herbie might remind him of his old action figure collection, or given the way Yeti looks on sad-eyed as he gently strokes her hair with fishbone, he may very well be a prehistoric hairstylist.

Lassie, I means Indio, leads the Professor and Cliff to the location where Yeti and the grandkids are. Before more chaos can ensue, the human race wins favor with their colossal ancestor by treating his wound with an aerosol can of antiseptic to treat a minor bullet wound. I wasn't aware a bullet wound could be treated with the mere application of an antiseptic ointment but then I've never seen an antiseptic ointment before that came in an aerosol can the size of roach spray. And to be more specific, Yeti only allows Jane to treat him. By this point, Yeti has begun giving Jane looks not all that dissimilar to Cliff's although Yeti's are far less creepy. Unlike Cliff, I'm sure Yeti is a gentleman and surely even he knows that if he ever attempts to act on his feelings Jane will explode.

It also doesn't hurt that Yeti has somehow begun comprehending the English language just as long as it is spoken to him in a deliberate, rudimentary manner in much the same way one would try giving directions to a lost foriegn tourist.

It's also during this scene that the movie introduces an element it will toss in a handful more times before the film's end, something that will grow increasingly disturbing every single time it's done. I, of course, speak of...

YETI CROTCH!!!

That's right! Yeti crotch shots! Granted, they are rearview shots of the Yeti's crotch and you never see anything other than his fur hanging off his genital region, but it is Yeti crotch nonetheless and we are subjected to it far too many times for it to just be discounted as unintentional. Several times throughout the film and always without any prior warning, we're hit with specific shots the director managed to line up directly through the Yeti's sometimes laughably artificial legs. Contrary to popular belief, if you've seen one Yeti crotch shot, you haven't seen them all, and it's doubly disturbing when during this first scene of Yeti crotch he has young Herbie passing directly through his legs. I know it's said to be bad luck to walk under a ladder, but how much bad luck must it be to pass directly under the Yeti's groin? That can't be healthy for a young boy. The smell of Yeti funk alone should have gagged this child into unconsciousness. No wonder the Schlocktoberfest crowd let out a collective groan of disgust each and every time the Yeti's crotch filled the screen and fill it it does.

HH smells millions and makes the Yeti his new corporate logo and Yeti-mania is born. "Put a Yeti in your tank" slogan sells Hunnicutt gasoline. "Kiss me, Yeti" t-shirts sell Hunnicutt sexual harassment lawsuits. Everywhere you turn, Hunnicutt has the Yeti tied in to one of his products and he's reaping the whirlwind because of it. I really don't understand why people would begin buying Hunnicutt products just because it has the Yeti somehow tied into it but then it is a true fact that sales of Pepsi soared after Britney Spears did those commercials and if white trash masquerading as a pop star can sell soft drinks then I shouldn't doubt the ability of a giant monster that looks like white trash being able to sell everything a corporate mogul with bad fashion sense can slap its likeness on.

But if Hunnicutt's sales are up then that must mean that everyone else's sales are down. This does not make those other corporations happy and so they gather for the conclave of corporate sabotage where a cabal of corporate honchos whose profits are down because of Hunnicutt and his new promotional boondoggle. They vote Pope-style to elect a new Vice President - a Vice President of what exactly is never really clear. They're voting for a Vice President under the condition that person accomplishes one task. The man they cast their colored marbles for is Cliff and his mission is to sabotage Hunnicutt's corporate windfall (i.e. kill that giant bohemian ewok).

HH has scheduled the first official public appearance of the giant iceman from the ice age for the city of Toronto in the most fitting place possible for allowing a giant humanoid creature to walk amongst the public masses. If you guess a stadium, a park, or the airport then you just don't think outside of the box like Morgan Hunnicutt, which explains why none of you are super rich industrialists. No, the most ideal location possible is the rooftop of a multi-story Canadian hotel. Bet you're all feeling stupid now, huh?

The Canadian public is in a tizzy, Canadian flags are flying with pride, Yeti Gras parades are happening in the streets, and we are given our first taste of the delirious "Yeti" theme song performed by a group created specifically for the purpose of writing a Yeti theme song; hence their name The Yetians. Words cannot describe this song. It must be heard to be fully appreciated. The chorus is almost indecipherable and the musical style is one I can only describe as sounding like Hasidic rave music. One day I will find an MP3 of this song. I must!

The helicopter transports Yeti inside of his big red booth to the Toronto hotel rooftop where he's greeted by the media, excited Canadians, and all the main characters. Yeti steps out of the booth and... In retrospect, this probably wasn't the most well thought out publicity stunt. We've found a giant monster, think we've tamed it, and now we're going to put it on display on the roof of a tall building where we'll just let it out of its pen and hope that flash photography doesn't make it go berserk. Nope, not the most well thought out publicity stunt. Equally ill conceived is the architect that came up with the idea of building a giant wall on the roof of a Canadian hotel. You'd think they knew that one day a giant Sasquatch would be up there to smash it to smithereens.

HEY, YAY-TEE!

OH, YEEEEAAAAH!!!

Needless to say, chaos ensues. Canadians run screaming; most pile into the elevator looking to escape, including Jane. Yeti, mesmerized by this modern marvel we call the elevator, decides to have some fun with it yo-yo style.

IN ORDER TO BE ACCEPTED AS AN ABORIAN TREEMAN, PRINCE BARIN FORCED THE YETI TO SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETE THE CHALLENGE OF THE WOOD BEAST

The elevator is evacuated before Yeti's malevolent curiosity can kill anyone. That is except for poor Jane who now finds herself clinging for dear life in the elevator shaft. Way to go, Yeti! So now Yeti goes from screaming psycho hairball mode to gargantuan hairy savior of hot chicks mode. Whereas Kong climbed up a building, Yeti climbs down a building. Kong's ascension up the Empire State Building might be one of the most memorable scenes in movie history but Yeti's descent down this Canadian hotel building is quite unforgettable in its own right. It's like watching a giant Spider-Wookie climbing down the side of a fake building, his feet crashing through the windows of various room sending average citizens running in terror, almost all of whom look like they either were unaware of the giant monster publicity stunt happening on the roof or just didn't care, which is rather hard to believe on either count.

NOONE WILL EVER FORGET THE TERRIBLE INCIDENT BACK IN '83 WHEN A NAKED ROBIN WILLIAMS GOT REALLY COKED OUT AND THOUGHT HE WAS SPIDER-MAN

Now keep in mind the whole reason he's racing down the side of the building is so that he can rescue Jane. Unable to reach down inside the shaft and grab her, his plan is to climb down beneath her and catch her when she falls; never mind the fact that he couldn't possibly be able to see her inside this elevator shaft or that in order to catch her it still requires her to fall several stories. This is precisely what happens and Yeti scores a miraculous one-handed save. Jane leans up just long enough to grab her neck that should be broken (along with most of her bones and bodily organs following a fall that far) and then collapses in his hand.

In the '33, '76, and '05 versions of KING KONG, Kong's getting loose in New York City led to much chaos and destruction. Unfortunately, much chaos and destruction just wasn't in the budget for YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY as evidenced by the cheapo blue screen effects used to superimpose the supposedly giant Yeti into the shots of it roaming downtown Toronto. Let's not forget the doll he's carrying around that's supposed to be the unconscious Jane.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS BE DAMNED! THE YETI GOT THE LAST CABBAGE PATCH KID IN THE STORE AND THERE ISN'T A DAMN THING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT!

In lieu of a rampage, Yeti takes a leisure stroll through Toronto and does a good job remaining calm amid the stampede of freaked out Canucks he keeps coming across. It gets to the point that the populace is going berserk while the giant monster is left to look at them like, "What the hell is wrong with you people?" Part of the problem with the Torontonians is that their law enforcement drives the ugliest, most ludicrous looking squad cars of any major metropolitan police force I can think of.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: THE CRIME RATE IN CANADA IS SO LOW THAT THE POLICE ACTUALLY HAVE TO DOUBLE AS YELLOW CAB DRIVERS

Jane soon wakes up from her three minute coma and has enough wherewithals to know that she needs to get the Yeti out of the public eye. It's quite apparent that Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin stole the concept of a giant creature just walking around the corner and nobody being able to locate it from YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY when making their abominable GODZILLA because Jane directs Yeti into a nearby baseball sight unseen by anyone, especially the police force that is shown driving through the streets without ever coming across the giant behemoth. A phone call to her grandfather leads to Yeti being moved to a Hunnicutt owned warehouse on the outskirts of town; again, sight unseen by anyone, especially the clueless Canadian police force. So much for the Mounties always getting their man.

In the interest of time and because the next 10 minutes are amongst the film's dullest, I'm just going to fast forward to the finale. Basically, Yeti is slowly dying due to something to do with the air at ground level not being what he's used to. It's really just a plot convenience to garner sympathy. While Yeti is hooked up to some air tanks, Cliff puts his masterplan into fruition. I'm not sure why Cliff still feels compelled to act further since the lawsuits generated by the Yeti's scenic tour of Toronto should be more than enough to put a serious dent in HH's finances. Nonetheless, Cliff's masterplan moves forward with the aid of some lowlife criminal accomplishes - generic henchmen in ugly leisure suits that look like the sort of thugs that Buddy Ebsen would have been menaced by in an episode of Barnaby Jones. The masterplan, which mostly consists of holding everyone hostage while they sabotage the air tanks, doesn't exactly go off without a hitch. Long story short, the Professor is killed, Jane is slapped, Indio is stabbed, Herbie is snatched, and Yeti hulks up and chases two of the henchmen through the warehouse area, going so far as to snap the neck of one of them between his toes in what is without question one of the greatest death scenes ever put to film.

DEATH BY TOEJAM

Cliff and his thugs snatch Herbie and escape via their ugly 70s automobiles while the Yeti takes a leisure walk in the dark of night. I've never really understood what this was all about; he just momentarily wanders off for the heck of it. Upon returning, Yeti appears to magically heal Indio's bloody wound using his saliva and then takes off in pursuit of Cliff and his league of extraordinary 1970s generic cop show goon squad. Meanwhile, HH receives a phone call informing him of the murder of his old pal Professor Waterman. The overly melodramatic way in which HH reacts to the terrible news is laughably overdone in a manner worthy of a soap opera spoof.

It's now time for the finale. It's suddenly daylight, the bad guys are driving through the mountainside with Yeti in pursuit, hurling rocks and trees at them with little regard for whether or not the car he's smashing contains Herbie; you know - the person he's supposed to be rescuing from harm's way. This also leads to what is unquestionably the low point of the film's special effects and considering that virtually all of the film's effects fall on the lower end of the effects spectrum this is really saying something. Blue screen? More like a white screen.

THE PASSION OF THE AMAZING COLOSSAL CHRIST

The final showdown occurs on a hilltop where Yeti forces two more henchmen over a cliff to their death. Actually, Yeti didn't do anything to them other than stand there and roar at them causing them to freak out and completely ignore the fact that they were running off a high cliff. You can't help but notice that most of the Yeti's problems are not caused by him wreaking havoc so much as it is people seeing him, becoming terrified, and wreaking their own havoc in the midst of their fear. Yeti finally rescues Herbie's action figure from the astoundingly out of scale model automobile he lifts up.

THE 1977 CHRYSLER TITANIC

Cliff manages to hijack a nearby construction truck with a crane on it and backs it into the Yeti, lightly impaling him in the side with the crane. Alas, the Tonka toy facsimile of the truck the actor playing Cliff climbed into and backed into the Yeti proves no match for the prehistoric powerhouse. Yeti sizes up Cliff, who is crawling across the damp ground like the worm he truly is, just as Jane arrives with the Canadian police and their hideous vehicles. Cliff begs off as Yeti approaches and... Wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin was always threatening his opponents telling them he was going to stomp a mudhole in them and walk it dry. That's pretty much what Yeti does to Cliff.

HH arrives via helicopter and begins running towards his grandson exactly like Herman Munster would run. The Canadian cops draw their weapons and prepare to gun down the Yeti who is pretty much egging them on by howling at them like a deranged lunatic. Fortunately, Jane manages to stop them and says the following to the Yeti. "Boy… Girl… Thank you... But please go away. This world is not for you. Go back to the wilderness, to the mountains, where life is like you knew it." A sad-eyed Yeti somehow understands and casually exits stage left leaving the befuddled police captain to give Jane this priceless glance that clearly indicates to the audience that he's thinking the very same thing everyone watching the movie is - what the hell is this crap?

What the hell is this crap? Indeed. The monster lives. The girl tells it to just go away. It simply walks off. Nobody does anything about this. Crap indeed, but glorious crap it be.

And just when you think the film can't achieve any further heights of hilarity, Herbie looks up to the top of the hill and spots Indio, blood stained fur and all, standing atop it backlit by the sun. The scores swells dramatically and the boy and his dog begin running towards one another in slow motion in the clichéd manner normally reserved for young lovers being reunited. Forget about the giant monster the film is named after; the film's apex is the reuniting of a mute boy and his resurrected pooch. Everyone lives happily ever after, except for the Professor who is dead and the Yeti who was basically told to take a hike.

The final seconds of the movie kick in as we're back to the ice blue rectangle bordering stock footage of a glacier crumbling that opened the film; only this time the Yeti walks into the picture, a close-up on his teary-eyed face, making the last shot of the film come across like some sort of bizarro public service announcement against global warming or something like that. With De Laurentiis' '76 KING KONG remake, the quote he was most famous for regarding the film's finale was, "When monkey die, everybody cry." In the case of YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY, I say it's "When Yeti cry, everybody wonders what the hell that was all about." But before anyone can say a word to protest or just plain wonder aloud what the hell kind of ending was that, the luminous sounds of that wonderfully weird YETI theme song kicks in. I'd quote the lyrics to you but I've never been able to fully decipher the words. No matter, you can make up your own and it won't make the song any less ludicrous.

Folks, if you've never seen YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY then you must. You simply must see track down a copy and let the glory that is this film wash over you. If you've never seen YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY and reading this write-up and looking at all these stills didn't make you want to see the film then I just don't know what to say to you. I take that back. I do know what to say to you.

ALL HAIL YETI CROTCH!!!

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE KING KONG LIVES