Alrighty, folks; I'm not wasting too much time with an intro this month since you've got a super-sized, super in-depth Foyeurism before you that will give you more than enough to choke on for the next month. If that's enough, you can head over to the blog and read reviews of such illustrious recent direct-to-DVD films as ELF BOWLING THE MOVIE and The Asylum's 30,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA and whatever else I review or report on in the next month. Or you can head over to Dread Central and listen to my 40-minute audio interview with the one and only Uwe Boll. Just be sure to come back next month 'cause if you're a fan of my "From Here to Obscurity" stuff then you're going to dig the heck out of next month's Foyeurism, which would have been October's Foyeurism, but then along came...

ENTER THE DRAGON WARS

D-WAR, DRAGONS WARS... Call it what you want; I'm just amazed it finally saw the light of day.

Have you ever seen GODZILLA VS GIGAN? That was the one from the Seventies that had to do with Japanese hippies and a manga artist uncovering an insidious plot by extraterrestrial cockroaches disguised as Japanese businessmen building an amusement park as a cover for their insidious world domination scheme. Godzilla and his spiked quadruped sidekick Anguirus are forced to tag team wrestle on behalf of mankind against the alien invader's demonic duo of Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster and a new creature named Gigan that looked like a cyclopean cyborg-chicken-thingamajig with giant hooks for hands and a buzzsaw built into its belly. The alien roaches' base of operations is the amusement park's centerpiece: a giant tower built to look like Godzilla that can fire death rays from its teeth.

The plot to that film was more lucid than that of DRAGON WARS.

Ah, D-WAR... Six years and $70 million in the making, a South Korean production set almost entirely in the United States, filmed in English, and starring American actors; the brain fart of Hyung-rae Shim (which is I understand is Korean for "I Can't Believe It's Not An Uwe Boll Movie"), a famous comedian in his native country who's last attempt at directing was a remake of the 1960's Korean kaiju flick YONGGARY that could best be described as being about 10-minutes of genuinely entertaining monster mayhem trapped inside of a dreadful 90-minute bore of a movie. Some would argue that also describes D-WAR. For all of D-WAR's problems, it's light years superior to YONGGARY (released in the US as REPTILIAN). I will say that DRAGON WARS would have been a million times better if it had included those machine gunning soldiers with jetpacks that fought Yonggary; you can never go wrong with machine gunning soldiers with jetpacks.

Now as bad as D-WAR often is - and it most definitely is bad - it still has an enthusiasm about it that's inescapable. Well, maybe not enthusiasm on the part of some of the lifeless actors, but definitely enthusiasm on the part of the filmmaker. Misguided yet inspired. Mr. Shim's enthusiasm clearly overrides his common sense.

I've read that D-WAR was originally conceived as a two-and-a-quarter hour epic. That begs the question, "Where's the other 50-minutes?" Did he write it but not film it? Did he film it but not include it? Was it edited out of the American version? Is there a longer version playing in South Korea where the film has been doing gangbusters at the box office? What's the deal? It's impossible to watch this movie and not get the sense that there are massive chunks of the story missing - important stuff too, like character development, explanations, scenes that should probably be bridging gaps between other scenes, etc. I noticed a couple scenes that felt like they might have been out of order too.

The American guy who did the editing of this movie, when his name appeared on the screen during the end credits I wasn't sure if I should feel pity for the man or disdain. This guy either had one of the most daunting tasks in the history of cinema trying to make something remotely coherent out of this nonsense or the butchery he did to this film could possibly be considered criminal negligence.

Then again, we all may be better off without the extra 45-minutes of whatever. With it D-WAR could have ended up being just another bloated geek epic along the lines of a certain other recent giant monster movie from Asia with the word "WARS" in the title. Personally, I'll take DRAGON WARS over GODZILLA: FINAL WARS any day of the week. Better effects and a more compact 86-minute running time, DRAGON WARS not only succeeds better than Ryuhei Kitamura's allegedly ultimate Godzilla flick, even when it fails it does so in a more spectacularly entertaining fashion. I know this probably mortifies some of my readers who have much love for the supposedly final Godzilla flick; I found FINAL WARS to be profoundly underwhelming, as if Michael Bay were attempting to make a Sci-Fi Channel original movie.

I've seen many critics harp of the film by comparing it to Sci-Fi Channel original movies. Speaking as someone who has seen the bulk of Sci-Fi's output, I must strongly disagree. Say what you will about the scripting, the acting, and even some of the film's lesser special effects, this movie still has scope and ambition far beyond any Sci-Fi Channel original movie I've seen. A SOUND OF THUNDER, SKINWALKERS, DOOM, ERAGON, and all of the RESIDENT EVIL flicks instantly come to mind as being better examples of Sci-Fi Channel worthy movies that snuck their way onto the big screen. Thought I will say that as I was watching DRAGON WARS on the big screen I could not believe I was watching it on a big screen.

Going back to Michael Bay, if DRAGON WARS hadn't been made well in advance, an argument could be made the film is actually some sort of fantasy parody of TRANSFORMERS. It wouldn't be a total parody though since in this version after the giant otherworldly creatures have trashed part of downtown LA the movie doesn't just come back and explain that the whole thing was covered up and all that talk of giant beings battling in full view of countless witnesses is nothing more than unfounded rumors and mass hysteria. So as much contempt as Mr. Shim seems to have for the art of coherent storytelling he still exhibits moments of common sense that even Michael Bay lacks.

One thing is undeniable: DRAGON WARS has one of the worst screenplays in recent memory. Even without the plot holes and inconsistencies oozing from every pour, the dialogue is... Why don't I just tell you something I stumbled up over at IMDB? It seems that when the production was ready to come to Los Angeles in search of American actors they sent the script to a Hollywood screenwriter whose job it was to translate the screenplay from Korean to English. Even he could tell how stiff the dialogue was so he tried punching it up a bit. When he turned in his work the production company was furious because all they wanted was a literal translation from Korean to English and absolutely nothing else. They fired him and sent it to another writer to give them what they wanted. If this story is true then it explains an awful lot. So if you're watching D-WAR and wondering why the dialogue is so stiff and lifeless and sometimes quite downright awkward, well, there you go. It certainly doesn't help that the actors are every bit as stiff and lifeless as the dialogue they recite.

A few words about star Jason Behr and all his poor man's Keanu-esque glory... Having now seen him over the past two months starring as the bad guy in SKINWALKERS and now the good guy in D-WAR, I'm thinking Behr might want to consider finding a cushy job in the private sector because this whole acting thing doesn't seem to be for him. Behr here gives what may very well be the worst performance of his, or anyone else's, career. Bored intensity: that's the only way I can describe his acting style. Every now and then he's required to make a facial expression that I'd describe as bored amazement. Any way you cut it, the word "bored" comes to mind.

He's not alone either. Both he and his female co-star Amanda Brooks must have thought they were appearing in SCHINDLER'S LIST 2 or something because both of them try and play all of this hokum way too seriously. It's a monster movie, people - lighten up already!

Even Oscar nominated film vet Robert Forster gives what may be the worst performance of his career, almost as if his he saw Ben Kingsley in BLOODRAYNE and said to himself, "You call that a lifeless performance? I'll show you lifeless." He might have topped Kingsley too had it not been for Jason Behr there to non-act everyone off the screen. Now that I think about it, perhaps Forster just felt bad for the two boring leads and decided, in a sign of unity with his younger co-stars, to tank his own performance so as to try and not make their performances standout as badly as they did?

BORED INTENSITY~!

This movie even boasts the mellowest token black comedic sidekick in film history. This fellow is so mellow I think he must have been high as a kite the whole time. He was so low key I almost, emphasis on “almost”, found myself wishing a Wayans brother would show up to liven things up.

You know what else is a surefire sign is that your film has serious problems? You know what another surefire sign is that your plot is utter gibberish? When your movie opens with a voiceover narration explaining the mythology behind the story, features a lengthy flashback sequence just minutes afterwards that further details the mythology, and then spends the rest of the movie occasionally bringing up the specifics of the mythology, and yet when it's all said in done you're still confused. I was.

I found the following paragraph in an online plot synopsis that explains things better than I could ever attempt to:

"Five hundred years ago in ancient Korea, a baby girl was born with a gift called the Yuh Yi Joo. The Yuh Yi Joo will completely form inside her by the time she turns twenty. An Imoogi who possesses it can transform itself into a dragon. An old monk and his disciple are the only two who believe this legend and try to protect the Yuh Yi Joo bearing girl. Haram, the warrior who is charged with protecting her falls in love with her. Instead of sacrificing her to the Imoogi, the two lovers plunge to their deaths."

It sounds so simple when it's spelled out right in front of your eyes and yet... Why is it that Western mythology is always so much easier to follow than Asian mythology?

And every single time I heard someone utter the term "Yuh Yi Joo" I kept thinking it sounded like some sort of delicious Oriental rice candy.

Following the opening voiceover and credits sequence, we find ourselves in Southern California looking at... I'm still not sure what the hell we were looking at. There's been some sort of disaster at a resort, a construction site... It doesn’t matter anyway so there's no point trying to explain it. I think this opening was Mr. Shim's way of paying homage to his own YONGGARY. All that matters is that whatever occurred at wherever this is left behind a mysterious object that looks like a big dinosaur scale of some kind and hotshot television reporter Ethan Kendrick has arrived on the scene and upon getting an eyeful of that scale, he realizes he's seen that scale before. Cue another voiceover. Cue flashback.

Let me pause for one second to alert you that you're going to notice I use the word "suddenly" an awful lot in this dissection. That's because much of what happens in this movie happens quite suddenly. Whenever I write "suddenly" think of that as code language for "something happens from completely out of the blue, usually for no understandable reason, probably without an ounce of explanation as to why, and I rather doubt even Mr. Shim could adequately explain it away."

We now find young Ethan Kendrick played by a child with noticeably different eye color than Jason Behr wandering amongst the junk inside of Jack's Antiques, while his dad haggles with the owner, Jack (Duh!), over some cheap heirloom he's looking to hock. Ethan walks past a trunk that suddenly pops open revealing a similar reptile scale. The boy is then engulfed in a beam of light. Jack, the Sanford & Son of Jedi masters, senses what has happened and pulls an "I'm comin', Elizabeth!" to get Ethan's dad out of the way for a few minutes so that he can have a heart-to-heart with the boy. He tells Ethan that he's been waiting for him for a very long time and that what he saw in that box is the scale from an Imoogi, an ancient dragon of Korean legend. Actually, kind of a pre-dragon dragon, sort of like dragon larva, I guess.

Now if there's anyone who knows anything about dangerous giant reptiles it would be the star of ALLIGATOR. Robert Forster is Jack, the reincarnation of a Korean kung fu master. Stop laughing. Jack needs Jason Behr to stop the evil Imoogi because the creature is just too large for him to lure down into the sewer and blow up like he did that pesky alligator. If Emmerich and Devlin made D-WAR then the issue of a giant monster that can suddenly squeeze into an underground tunnel wouldn't have been a problem. He recounts the legend to young Ethan, prompting another flashback - in Korean - which he provides the English narration for.

For those keeping score at home, we're now less than 15-minutes in and thus far we've had an extended flashback sequence that contains its own extended flashback sequence, two full blown attempts to explain the mythological backstory, and three separate voiceover narrations. That's has got to be some sort of a record.

The flashback in short: 500 years ago Korea, girl born with a dragon birthmark on her shoulder indicating her to be the one who will give her Yuh Yi Joo to the good Imoogi dragon when she turns 20 so that it can transform and ascend to heaven, a stereotypically old kung fu master type is sworn to protect her, he's assisted by a young boy apprentice, boy grows up to fall in love with the girl, Sauron shows up leading the Gungan army on an all-out assault on her village, boy and girl decide to Romeo & Juliet themselves by jumping off a cliff rather than let the evil Imoogi named Baraki get the Yuh Yi Joo which would give it the power to conquer the world.

Did you get all that? No? Good.

The evil Imoogi, Baraki, has a private army called the Atrox army. This army consists of D&D quality armored soldiers and a load of dinosaur-like creatures, including my favorites, Daudlers, these humongous four-legged dino things with rocket launchers strapped to their backs. Bulcos are these fireball-spitting, flying dragon/raptor/baby Allosaurus creatures. And just to round things out a bit, it would appear that the Atrox army paid a visit to Tatooine to round-up a few of those creatures Imperial stormtroopers rode around on in the original STAR WARS. To see all these monsters and the sea of soldiers marching on this small village, I think the Greeks brought fewer soldiers to sack Troy. Complete overkill on Shim's part, and the overview shots of this monolithic army look like video game cut scene footage. It also begs a few questions that will forever go unanswered.

Why does a giant evil snake command an army?
Why does a giant evil snake need an army considering it’s a giant evil snake?
What is this Atrox army?
Why are they called the Atrox army?
Where did the Atrox army come from?
Why are there so many of them?
Where are they when they're not there?
Who is this human yet clearly not mortal general leading them?
What is his name?
Why does he support Baraki?
Where's the good Imoogi during all this?
Why doesn't the good Imoogi have a name?
How the hell did Shim get someone to give him $70 million to make this nonsense?

This Sauron rip-off leading the Atrox army, he never even gets a name or an explanation. Well, he's got a name now alright - a name I've given him. And this name I've given him, you are all commanded to refer to this character from this point on by the name I have given him, from now 'til the end of time. His name is...

DARTH GWAR

Indeed. Darth Gwar, leader of the Atrox army, Baraki's right-hand man... Oh, wait, snakes don't have hands. Umm, Baraki's henchman-in-chief - that's better. He is truly one of the most awesome villains to grace the silver screen, and when I say "awesome" I mean awesome in a Wings Hauser in a BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME sort of way. If you've ever seen that movie than you understand the level of awesomeness of which I speak.

The 500 years ago flashback then returns to the 15 years ago flashback so that Robert Forster can reveal that he's actually the old kung fu master guy in modern Caucasian form. Looks like old Robert Forster but he's actually an even older Korean martial arts master; it's like Remo Williams and Chiun had a really old baby.

Jack informs Ethan that he's actually the reincarnation of his young apprentice destined to protect and fall in love with the Yuh Yi Joo. Since the time is coming to repeat the process, Jack the post-modern master of Sinanju and fine antiquing awards Ethan with a gaudy dragon amulet and tells him to be prepared for the conflict to come. Best we can tell there was no mentoring involved this time around. Jack just sent Ethan on his way with the amulet and the pep talk and they never spoke again until the day whatever happened at the beginning of the movie that caused adult Ethan Kendrick to suddenly go double whammy flashbacky.

The fun begins as Darth Gwar suddenly appears on the streets of Los Angeles, walking right through a wall into Jack's Antiques shop. Jack was meditating in mid-air when he sensed evil approaching. The scene ends and we never find out what, if anything, happened next.

But here's what makes it so awesome: Darth Gwar is shown without a helmet and looks like the lovechild of Uwe Boll and Richard Moll yet he's still dressed just like he was hundreds of years ago on the battlefield. He's like a Masters of the Universe action figure from the neck down but from the neck up he looks like a really mean gym teacher with an acne-scarred face. Awesome!

Know what else makes it even more awesome? That the first thing he was shown doing was magically walking through a wall. Why is that so awesome? Because later in the movie he'll twice get knocked senseless AFTER BEING HIT BY SPEEDING CARS~! What did he forget he could pass through solid objects?

Did I mention that whenever Darth Gwar talks, even in human form, he sounds like Satan after a tracheotomy? And since he only speaks, his voice makes him Korean sound like he should be the frontman for a Korean death metal band. More awesomeness!

Sayonara, blue lipsticked bad guy from DUNGEONS & DRAGONS, you've just been replaced by an even more laughable embodiment of supernatural thuggery - and his name is Darth Gwar!

I'm already feeling like I'm back reviewing I KNOW WHO KILLED ME again. Once again, do I really need to make snarky comments about D-WAR when the comedy pretty much writes itself? And we're still less than a half hour in too. I swore I was not going to allow this to turn into another 30-page mega-dissection like the one I did for HOUSE OF THE DEAD, but Hyung-rae Shim was determined to make me work overtime!

Now back to adult TV reporter Ethan Kendrick at the office. Whatever it was that happened earlier that left behind a dragon scale that caused him to have an extended flashback that was itself comprised primarily of an extended flashback, and let's not forget that big dragon amulet he wears around his neck at all times and not even under his shirt either like most sane people would... Uh, where was I. Oh, right, now that he's flashbacked the hell out of us he realizes what's happening and knows he must find the Yuh Yi Joo. "I have to find the girl," talking about her in a manner like she was at the site of whatever happened. This is a prime example of what I mean about this script being gibberish. He knows she is somehow tied into whatever it was that happened at the beginning of the movie that they've still never bothered to adequately explain and when his token black friend and co-worker, Bruce, asks him who this girl is that he's never seen, never met, never even heard of, and, honestly, shouldn't know anything about, Ethan Kendrick thinks hard for three seconds and suddenly declares her name to be Sarah. How? How did he know her name? What ass did he pull this name out of? They don't even specify that it came to him in a dream or through the use of some sort of mystical power; he just up and declares her name to be Sarah. When Bruce says they need more to go on to find her, Ethan ups it to looking for a girl named Sarah, 19-years of age, and with a dragon tattoo on her shoulder. The Terminator had more to go on than what they've got to work with and we understood how it knew to look for a Sarah Connor.

We're immediately introduced to the Sarah in question. She's just your average 19-year old single Caucasian girl living in Los Angeles with a birthmark on her front shoulder that looks like an Asian dragon tattoo. She and a friend are at the gym when they watch Ethan's TV report about the mystery accident; even in this report we never get an adequate explanation as to what exactly happened aside from vague talk of a tragedy. Yeah, that's some really good reporting right there. You're watching the Non-Specific News Network: "We Vaguely Report, You Fill in the Blanks!"

This disturbing piece of vague news causes Sarah to begin freaking out. She rushes home and immediately whips this great big book of Korean protective prayer spells that she, like all single women living in Southern California, keep in her kitchen drawer. When her roommate gets home she finds Sarah curled up on the couch like someone on the verge of nervous breakdown with the pages of that book all torn out and hanging up on the walls. Her friend, like the rest of us, is deeply confused. Not to worry because Sarah has a good explanation. You see, "something bad is going to happen, something terrible." What is this bad thing? Sarah doesn't know and she doesn't even attempt to offer any specifics and yet she's annoyed when she cannot get her friend to believe her. Gee, I wonder why? This conversation really does go along the lines of:

"Sarah, what's wrong?"
"Something bad is going to happen; something terrible!"
"Umm..."
"Why don't you believe me?"
"Sarah, you're freaking out. Let's go get drunk?"
"Okay."

Her friend knows just what Sarah needs at a time like this when she's suddenly acting frightened, depressed, and talking crazy: beer. And don't think for one moment the fact that they're both below the legal drinking age is going to get in the way of their night out at a bar; it's Los Angeles, baby!

Sarah will get ambushed by three troublemaking punks on the way out of the bar. Robert Forster suddenly appears out of nowhere and takes care of these hoodlums with his superhuman strength. Well, the back of Robert Forster appeared; you don't see his front during this very brief skirmish because, otherwise, you'd probably see his look-a-like stunt double. But we do see Robert Forster himself when he turns afterwards and stomps off camera. The man literally stumbles out of the shot walking in a manner I could only compare to that of a drunken Frankenstein. This moment must be seen to be believed.

Sarah then goes to the cops and in the process gets bothered briefly by a photographer who works for the TV station Ethan works. Do TV stations employ still photographers that run around town looking for stories? I work for a TV station and we don't have any Jimmy Olsen's on the payroll.

Back at the TV station, Ethan and Bruce are still at the same cubicle working on finding Sarah. Neither one of these guys seems to have a home and practically live at the television station. Ethan in particular seems to live at either his friend's cubicle or in his own office, where he also sleeps. Now that photographer shows up and overhears them talking about looking for a Sarah. Say... Didn't he meet a girl named Sarah at the police station? You don't suppose...? I mean how many Sarah's could their possibly be in the Los Angeles area? Sure enough though, the God of Coincidence has smiled upon them. In fact, I think the God of Coincidence penned much of the script.

Now starts the dream sequences. Sigh. Given how barely lucid the film had already been up to this point you're not always entirely sure afterwards - at least I wasn't - if the dream sequence you just watched was only a dream sequence or actually happened somehow. Jason Behr goes first with a dream about a nonsensical run-in with Darth Gwar in Jack's Antiques shop. He'll wake up all freaked out in his office lounge chair. Told you he lived there. Next up it's Sarah's turn for a dream and talk about absurdity. She's in a parking garage; touching her car turns the paint job into dragon scales and then she turns around to see Darth Gwar standing behind her dressed like Maniac Cop. Hell, the dude's face is so acne scarred he could have played Maniac Cop. He goes to stab her with his magical retractable power sword but she wakes up. This dream still somehow triggered her tattoo that suddenly begins putting on a heck of a light show. This chick would be super popular at raves.

To the screenplay's credit, at least when her tattoo begins glowing they wrote it so that she had the common sense to immediately go to the hospital. She'll wake up the next day locked in her hospital room for reasons that neither she nor any of us understand. I take back my compliment of the screenplay. They've locked her in so she cannot get out for any known reason, but in the very next scene in which we see her, doctors and orderlies are trying to restrain her as she's totally freakin' out. It was around this point that you really started getting the feeling scenes were occurring (or at least being edited together) completely at random.

Before getting into the habit of directing ridiculous monster movies, Hyung-rae Shim became super famous in South Korea as one of their top comedic talents. I find myself feeling the urge to dispute this notion based on the pitiful attempts at actual humor here. The speeding ambulance hits a puddle of water and splashes a vagrant who angrily yells, "Watch it, you bum!" or something along those lines. See, the joke is that a bum called someone else a "bum". That's A-list comedy there. Ranks right up there with the tubby zookeeper who witnesses Baraki kill an elephant at the zoo and is next seen at the hospital in a straightjacket; they think he's crazy do to all his talk about giant snakes. I call shenanigans on these shenanigans.

Anyway, Sarah's best friend and some other young guy who just appeared from out of nowhere with her - I'm sitting there thinking, "Who are you?" - show up at the hospital but the receptionist won't let them see Sarah because it's after visiting hours and they're not family. Does Sarah even have any family? Apparently not. They decide to go back to Sarah's place to get some of her things, only Baraki's in the backyard lounging by the swimming pool and Darth Gwar comes marching around the corner babbling indecipherably. Baraki scoops the best friend up in its mouth likes it’s going to eat her but then changes its mind and gently drops her into the pool. No mind, she's dead. The cause of death: being mildly chewed. I forget what happened to the guy. I'm sure he was dead too. Who cares?

What's really important is if you thought it was hard to believe that scene in TRANSFORMERS where giant robots were in the kid’s backyard unseen by neighbors, this giant snake let's out more than one deafening roar that could awaken Godzilla and then slithers off but the next day when the authorities are investigating the deaths there are no witnesses. Nobody saw anything. Nobody heard anything. Is it any wonder that the likes of OJ Simpson, Robert Blake, and Phil Spector keeping getting off on murder charges in Los Angeles when the juries are composed of people that wouldn't even notice REPTILICUS slithering about their neighborhood?

How does a giant serpent keep slithering around Los Angeles unnoticed? At this point I'd settle for just getting an explanation as to how Baraki and Darth Gwar figured out Sarah was the Yuh Yi Joo.

Some recognizable character actors also begin popping up at random. Here comes character actor Chris Mulkey as an FBI agent on the case of whatever happened at the beginning of the movie and now whatever happened in Sarah's backyard. Elizabeth Pena gets fourth billing in the credits despite only being in the movie for a whopping two minutes as an FBI forensics expert analyzing the mystery reptile scale found at the mystery disaster that occurred during the film's opening mystery. The checks cleared; I'm sure they were happy.

Now Ethan shows up at the hospital and the receptionist, played by quite possibly the worst actress in the history of cinema - a bold statement I can make based on the reality that her horrendous line readings actually stood out in a film overloaded with poor - is still not letting anyone in, but because he's a hotshot TV reporter, she tips him off that the reason he can't see Sarah is because she's been quarantined due to this suspicious mark on her shoulder they suspect might be an infectious disease. No, seriously. Where the hell did this little twist come from? It's a dragon tattoo, I mean birthmark, why would... What would lead them to suspect this? Did it light up in the presence of physicians? Did we miss a scene? Heck, I'm still baffled as to how anyone could look at that obvious, detailed, dragon tattoo on her front shoulder and call it a birthmark. Angelina Jolie is covered with "birthmarks" such as this.

Sarah's doctor then proves to be an even bigger mark for local hotshot TV reporters and allows Ethan in to see her. Or maybe he hates local hotshot TV reporters and that's why he's willing to let a guy into a quarantined room without any special gear or clothing to protect him from a person they believe may have an unknown contagion.

Sarah looks longingly at Ethan like she knows him, instantly finding herself drawn to him. Jason Behr is in full-on vacant stare Keanu mode so who the hell knows what was supposed to be going through his character's mind.

Tonight, on a very special episode of Grey's Anatomy...

Baraki is suddenly shown crawling atop the roof of this hospital in plain view of, you know, existence, yet goes completely unnoticed despite its massive girth up there being enough to cause pieces of the roof to being crumbling to the ground. Baraki then smashes through the side of the building to poke its head around, scaring the crap out of everyone, and making the world realize that, yes, there is in fact a giant snake on the loose in downtown Los Angeles.

The doctor opens the door and tells Ethan to get Sarah out of there immediately. They run away and the doctor morphs into Robert Forster.

So the Robert Forster character exists solely to keep popping up at random to assist Ethan & Sarah but never flat-out engages in battle with any of the bad guys like he did 500 years earlier unless it's to beat up random punks on the street that harass Sarah? This will prove to be the case.

Bruce has been waiting down in the parking garage just in case Ethan had to break a girl out of the hospital and make a high-speed escape while being chased by a giant Korean dragon snake. A brief yet rather nifty chase scene plays out that emphasizes an unexpected reality: ancient Korean dragon snakes can move at break-neck speeds and teleport across cities unseen but they cannot catch a speeding, gas guzzling SUV. This little known fact will help save Ethan and Sarah on more than one occasion before the film is over.

Now here comes one of those moments that elevate a bad movie into so bad its good territory. There'll next be one of those scenes where the good guys are speeding away in a car when the evil villain suddenly appears in the middle of the road in front of them. In this case, Darth Gwar appears to walk right into their oncoming vehicle but forgets that he can move through solid objects and doesn't bother to do anything magical that would adversely affect their vehicle. He gets knocked so silly that his helmet reappears over his head. He briefly gets up to try and grab the girl and such, but then just when he gets the upper hand he'll step out into the road and get KO'd by an oncoming station wagon. Ethan will grab Sarah, jump into the back of the station wagon, and orders the woman driving it to speed away.

Notice I didn't add the name Bruce to that list. That's because the white people have bravely, boldly, left the black guy behind to fend for himself. Bruce had been knocked to the ground, a victim of a Darth Gwar power shove (i.e. he shoved Bruce to the ground and for some reason Bruce started glowing as he went down). After they get dropped off wherever, Sarah will ask about Bruce's well-being to which Ethan callously replies, "He'll be okay." Not to self: never make friends with Ethan Kendrick; he's kind of a selfish dick and maybe even a bit racist.

Oh, and then the woman driving the station wagon morphs into Robert Forster.

I described this whole series of events to a friend of mine and the moment I uttered the words "the woman driving the station wagon morphs into Robert Forster" he almost began crying with laughter. Then he asked me if I was serious. I was. You just can't make this stuff up.

Even I'm lost at this point. Let me think... What did happen next? Next we see Darth Gwar he's at Jack's Antiques bringing the Atrox army back to life; they magically materialize from a series of scrolls. Don't ask because I don't know and the movie didn't care to explain. Nor did it care to explain how these giant rocket-launching behemoths could start erupting through the side of the building out onto the city street and somehow go unnoticed when they're next found in a canyon in the California countryside. But first...

The Secretary of Defense shows up for an emergency meeting and he's played by that guy who used to talk to the bunny puppet voiced by Bobcat Goldwait on that awful Unhappily Ever After sitcom. He also played the President of the United States on the show 24 a few seasons back, the one that got killed when terrorists shot down Air Force One. Good thing he got killed off because every time I saw him on the show I kept waiting for it to be revealed a pink bunny puppet was the Vice President. Now he's been bumped down to a one scene cameo as the Secretary of Defense; his only purpose to quiz Elizabeth Pena and Chris Mulkey about the giant snake on the loose. The only purpose of this scene, best I could figure, was to establish that someone within the FBI found a drawing that resembled Imoogi while looking up some old Korean legends.

Suddenly - what I wrote earlier about the use of that word in this write-up, it applies to this scene more than any other. Suddenly the army is on the march in the California countryside. Baraki and the Atrox army have set up shop within a mineshaft. Did we skip a reel again? Of the soldiers Baraki does not kill, Darth Gwar blows them up by swinging his sword and causing them to all explode in a ball of fire. This confirms it; when not having to lead the Atrox army on behalf of Baraki every 500-years Darth Gwar secretly moonlights as a Power Rangers villain.

Couldn't help but notice the Atrox army all put up their magic shields when the military opened fire but Darth Gwar not only had no shield, he didn't even put on his helmet. So for those keeping track at home: bullets have no effect but vehicular hit & run gets the job done. Just get some soldiers to hop in their Hummers and go all DEATH RACE 2000 on the Atrox army - problem solved!

Now while all this was going on, Ethan and Sarah have decided to go to the beach for a romantic stroll. Of course they have to fall in love; it's predestined. It is written... in the script.

She also begins babbling about all the weird dreams she's been having lately just like her counterpart hundreds of years earlier did leading up to her 20th birthday. Ethan, out of the blue, suggests she go see this dream therapist friend of his. Next thing you know she's got electrodes strapped all over her head as she lays sleeping on a sofa in this doc's living room. She starts dreaming about attending her father's funeral when she was just a small girl; what the hell this has to do with anything is anyone's guess. Then she's reliving the Korean flashback sequence from earlier in fast forward. Suddenly her tattoo starts glowing and she begins floating up into the air like she's possessed or something. At least she was until the dream therapist yanks the electrical chord out of the wall turning off his equipment and causing her to fall back down to the couch and wake up in a daze. Words escape me at this point. What was the point of any of this? What was accomplished by this scene? What was established by this dream therapy? Why was this in there? And where's Freddy Krueger when you need him?

Note to self: never hire a scientologist to perform an exorcism

Before any of us watching can contemplate what we've just seen, Baraki suddenly appears in the guy's backyard, destroys most of the house, and gives chase yet again. But once again Baraki's Achilles heel: inability to catch a speeding SUV, allows them to escape. And just as with Bruce earlier, Ethan and Sarah leave the dream therapist behind when they escape. In nothing else, this at least proves that their indifference towards the well being of others is not racially motivated.

Speaking of Bruce, he really was okay aside and his first instinct was to head back to his office cubicle where he lives. Good thing too since Ethan calls him up and requests they meet at a restaurant so that he can call in a favor (Couldn't he have done this over the phone?) to have a helicopter waiting to whisk him and Sarah away to... I don't think they ever specified. Ah, gotta love the ever vague Ethan Kendrick.

At this diner, Bruce takes Behr into a backroom and gives him a snub-nosed revolver for protection. Yeah, giant snakes and a magical sword-wielding fantasy film overlord types are after you, give him the same sort of gun that Charles Bronson used in DEATH WISH; that'll do the trick. This moment of idiocy also marks the token black friend's final appearance in the movie. It's back to the office for, Bruce - the sitcom "The Office" on which the guy co-stars.

But wait, Robert Forster suddenly appears in this backroom as well to tell Ethan he cannot escape his destiny and that he must take Sarah to the Grand Cave. What the hell is he talking about? What cave? What is this Grand Cave? Where is this Grand Cave? He doesn't even bother telling Ethan where this cave is, but, dammit, he wants him to take Sarah there ASAP. Ethan doesn't bother to ask either. He just declares that he's sick of all this destiny crap, goes to get Sarah, and practically drags her by her arm out of the diner. Good thing too because Baraki suddenly appears from out of nowhere to smash its head into the building. They again escape via SUV (again!) as the super snake begins flinging cars at them. Baraki would have caught them too but the bulletproof snake was momentarily distracted when cops began shooting at it with guns that do no damage. That Baraki really needs to learn how to focus.

Fox News Channel swears that "Baraki Obama" on-air graphic was an honest mistake

Back at the canyon, Darth Gwar gives the troops a heck of a pep rally and then, like the Wicked Witch from WIZARD OF OZ ordering her army of winged monkeys, commands the Bulcos to go fetch the girl. They go flying out of that mineshaft in masse. Only thing missing here was Darth Gwar yelling, "Fly, my pretties!" in Korean.

Now here's where the movie actually becomes intentionally fun.

DRAGON WARS contains what may very well be my favorite shot of any scene in any movie I've seen all year: a long view, wide angle, overhead shot of this giant snake monster slithering at high speed down a jammed up city street knocking the hell out of every bit of traffic in its way. That one moment captured my imagination in ways that nothing I saw in any of this past summer's threequels did. Those few seconds did more to capture the spirit of giant Japanese monster movies than anything Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin did with their name-only GODZILLA. In fact, the next ten or so minutes of D-WAR pretty much pounds home how much that film failed to deliver on what people go to see giant monster movies for.

Giant monster after you; by all means head up to the top of the tallest building. Ethan and Sarah race up to the rooftop of this very round skyscraper where the news helicopter is awaiting to take them to parts unknown. Baraki slithers round the building and bites onto the chopper's landing gear. The two lovebirds narrowly jump to the safety of the landing pad before Baraki destroys the helicopter. Baraki not only needs to focus, it also needs to remember that killing the girl does it no good.

Along come the Blackhawk helicopters to open fire on Baraki to no avail. Sarah and Ethan decide to go back down to street level. Those Bulcos that had been sent to get the girl apparently decided to take a smoke break on the side of another skyscraper. Their siesta gets interrupted by more Blackhawk helicopter action. Much chaos erupts, but its cheesy cool chaos.

The Sci-Fi Channel original movie: BLUE THUNDER VS. REIGN OF FIRE

Now here's where I have to take issue with some of this film's critics who have taken potshots at the computer effects work. There's no doubt it's inconsistent at times, but roundly dismissing the effects as uniformly subpar is, I feel, an unfair knock. Of course the FX isn’t on par with that of TRANSFORMERS or SPIDER-MAN 3 or PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN. But have you seen the effects in the recent Godzilla movies or even Shim's own YONGGARY remake? Have seen the effects work in the Sci-Fi Channel's original movies? Heck, DRAGON WARS doesn't even have the worst effects work I've seen on the big screen this past year. If you genuinely roll your eyes at the CGI work in D-WAR then you've clearly been spoiled by the mega blockbusters to the point that now nothing but the most expensive and state-of-the-art computer effects work is going to satisfy you and that's just sad. Personally, I'll take this all-out monster assault on the streets of Los Angeles over the similar such scene in TRANSFORMERS any day of the week, if only because it doesn't stretch on forever and I could actually comprehend the action going on here.

The Atrox army starts marching down the LA streets as well to do battle with the US military's tank division. A toy tank gets blown up by Dawdler rockets. Okay, so maybe some of the special effects aren't so special after all.

A Michael Bay Film... HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS: "Their hunger. Our Menu."

Ethan and Sarah bump into Chris Mulkey and his FBI partner. It turns out Mulkey's character has come to the decision that the only way to deal with this whole dragon-monster-mystical army-Korean prophecy problem is to kill the girl. Ethan tells him it'll just happen all over again in 500 years; Mulkey's okay with that since it'll be someone else's problem then. Ethan ends up taking a bullet to the arm and then Mulkey gets gunned down by his younger partner. That partner then acknowledges Sarah's place in existence as the Yuh Yi Joo, gives them the keys to Mulkey's vehicle, and tells them to put an end to this once and for all. I honestly expected the partner to morph into Robert Forster but, alas, that was not to be the case. That would have probably made more sense if it had.

Oh, and Ethan's bullet wound - gone! Or forgotten about? He's suddenly a-okay. Maybe he just forgot to act wounded? Wait, this is Jason Behr we're talking about, can't forget what you never learned in the first place.

D-WAR? More like D-RUN! All these people do is run away.

Next we see the two of them in the car talking about trying to flee to Mexico. Sarah doesn't think there's any running away from the problem but Ethan, the mental midget with the personality of deflated balloon, disagrees because I guess he saw THE TERMINATOR and thinks Mexico is the place to go to escape looming apocalypses. She also reveals that today is her 20th birthday. You know what that means. No sooner does she reveal this, the Bulcos fly up and begin spitting fireballs at their vehicle. Again, if they need Sarah alive then perhaps the flying dragons shouldn't blast the car she's in with a ball of fire causing it to flip and wreck in a manner that looks like it would have killed any normal person. Ethan pokes his head out of the wreckage long enough to slip into unconsciousness.

Now here's where D-WAR ascends to the level of true WTF?!?!-ness.

When Ethan awakens he suddenly finds himself on what looks to be the set of the finale to MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION. Suddenly there's no sun in the sky yet it does not appear to be nighttime; there's this barren landscape with a giant Castle Greyskull and huge statues and an altar. Where the hell are they? We're given no indication. Ever!

Sarah is strapped to the altar and Ethan is tied to a post off to the side. The entire Atrox army is gathered as Darth Gwar serves as master of ceremonies and even leads the troops in a group cheer before introducing the star of the show, Baraki, who quite literally comes out of its private dressing room. As the big snake is moments away from either eating or making sexy time with Sarah (Who knows at this point?), a ray of sunshine drops from the sky onto Ethan, charges up his dragon amulet Mardi Gras beads, and then unleashes a Guyver-like "megasmasher" death ray that completely obliterates the entire Atrox army, even opening up volcanic chasms in the ground for those that didn't get disintegrated to fall into. This one moment is like the second coming of Christ from MEGIDDO: OMEGA CODE 2 all over again. Whatever just happened, you have to wonder if this was the heavens way of stepping in for the side of good and, if so, why didn't they do it sooner. LIKE 500 YEARS AGO SOONER~!

I don't recall having seen the Bulcos anywhere during the Atrox annihilation so either they weren't invited to the big schmozz at the end or after bringing the girl and the guy to wherever the hell this was all going down they then returned to Los Angeles to hang out some more on the side of that skyscraper.

Just as quickly as it happened, it's over. What just happened, who the hell knows? What matters is that Baraki is still around but momentarily knocked loopy and Darth Gwar, the last surviving humanoid villain, begins sword-fighting with Jason Behr. These brief few seconds of swordplay gave me great insight into what a SOUL CALIBER movie made by Uwe Boll would be like. Darth Gwar will then bid bon voyage when he stabs Ethan's amulet with his sword and gets vaporized. Well then... That was certainly anti-climactic.

Baraki wakes up and starts slapping around Ethan. Something about seeing Jason Behr getting slapped around brought me joy. God, this guy sucks. It's like Jason Behr exists to remind us there can really only be one Keanu and that one Keanu really isn't as bad as many people often think he is despite him being so very Keanu in every role he plays.

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE "FRIGHT ZONE" PLAYSET: THE MOTION PICTURE

Just as Baraki is about to fulfill its destiny, another Imoogi that looks a bit more like a giant tapeworm enters stage right and begins fighting Baraki. Ethan rescues Sarah from the altar and exclaims, "It's the good Imoogi" with all the enthusiasm of someone who just found a pair of socks they'd misplaced. Not that it really matters how he said it because what he really should have said was, "It's the good Imoogi. Where did it come from? Where has it been for the last 500 years? Hell, where has it been for the last 50-minutes. Come to think of it, where the hell are we right now?"

The dragons duke it out as only snakes can. I'd akin it to resembling DNA strand performance art performed by giant serpents. But here's how it get better. I know; hard to believe this could possibly get any better, huh? Well, it does. Baraki actually wins the battle and so Sarah decides that there's truly no escape from her fate, especially since there aren't any cliffs around for she and Ethan to jump to their deaths off of. So she belches up this floating plasma ball of heavenly life energy or whatever the hell this Yuh Yi Joo is that's been festering inside her into order to transform Imoogis into their all-powerful form. But she instead pulls a swerve and fires the thing straight into the waiting gullet of the good Imoogi. By the power of Greyskull! The two super snakes begin entwining in another DNA dance of death; this time the good Imoogi's flesh disintegrates to reveal its new form as a full fledged Chinese New Year red dragon complete with long sinewy body with itty bitty legs and reindeer antlers on its head, as well as a long catfish whiskers-like mustache. I would say the following battle was desperately in need of having the two lead actors watching it all go down tossing firecrackers in accompaniment but then that might be too Chinese for this Korean production.

Good Imoogi begins whooping some Baraki butt - not that Baraki has a butt. Snakes don't really have butts, do they? Better question: why doesn't good Imoogi have a name? I mean I realize it's now ascended from Imoogi to dragon but it still doesn't have any name to go by aside from "good Imoogi". Couldn't Shim have come up with something? Since he didn't I will. I'm naming it Ted... Ted Imoogi.

In the end, Ted Imoogi finishes off the evil Korean cobra by spitting a fireball down Baraki's throat that would make Gamera proud. Good has triumphed. Sadly, Sarah is dead. Her spirit, now floating in mid-air next to Ted Imoogi, looks like a Jedi ghost dressed like Snow White. She tells Ethan she'll love him forever. Yeah, they loved more in those two minutes they spent walking on the beach and that 10-seconds they silently locked eyes on one another in the hospital than most people ever do in a lifetime.

Her spirit tells him she'll be waiting for him in heaven. Yes, but which heaven: Korean heaven or Christian heaven? Not so sure they're one in the same since you don't hear much about dragons running around the pearly gates with Saint Peter. Well, accept maybe for Bruce Lee, but "dragon" was really more of a nickname and he's probably in Chinese heaven anyway. If there are Asian dragon gods sharing the same heaven with Jesus and company, boy, is Pat Robertson gonna be in for a surprise when he gets there.

Uh, anyway, her spirit vanishes again into Ted Imoogi's mouth; it begins crying and then flies up to heaven. Jason Behr just stands there watching with the same blank slate expression he's had for most of the film when who should appear but Robert Forster to tell him job well done and then he too evaporates into thin air. Ethan turns around and stares out into the barren landscape as the closing credits roll. This ending was seriously lacking one final line of dialogue from Ethan asking, "Where am I and how am I supposed to get home?" Hyung-rae Shim is probably saving that saga for DRAGON WARS 2: THE LONG WALK HOME.

It may happen too. Mr. Shim has announced plans for D-WAR 2 for 2009. Woohoo!

When it's all said and done, for the all the criticism that D-WAR has coming it's way - and believe me, much of it is well earned - this is a motion picture that doesn't have a single cynical bone in its body. It doesn't feel like a movie that's been distilled through the typical Hollywood wringer; it doesn't feel like something that's been rewritten by multiple script doctors (though in this case maybe it should have) or had a crack studio marketing team going through the whole production with a fine tooth comb to make sure everything about it would appeal to all the proper demographics. DRAGON WARS may ultimately have turned out a really bad movie with some genuinely fun moments but it's still a bad movie that feels like it was made by an actual human being who was actually trying to make a movie worth giving a damn about rather than making yet another typical Hollywood production that's been crafted by committee with multiple agendas. I'd much rather watch D-WAR again, warts and all, than ever sit through any of the heartless, mechanical, summer blockbusters churned out by the Hollywood machine this past summer. It may be short on brains but it's long on heart and soul.

Even I'm amazed that I find myself here defending a movie that is utterly indefensible in its badness and yet I am doing so, even willing to go so far as to call D-WAR one of my favorite movies of 2007, the only film this year I've gone to see more than once. There's stuff here that appeals to the kid inside of me who still loves watching those hopelessly goofball Japanese monster movies of old and there's stuff here that appeals to the bad movie fan in me who loves laughing at schlocky films worthy of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. And yes, there are parts of D-WAR that, like many an old Japanese monster movie, I'll be fast-forwarding through in any subsequent viewings to get to the stuff with the monster.

So in conclusion, if you saw D-WAR and thought it was absolute garbage with zero redeeming values, filmmaking at is crappiest, you would be correct. If you are like me and found the film to be a whole lot of fun as both a fan of giant monster movies and really schlocky films, then you would also be correct. It is indeed both - a modern day GODZILLA VS THE SMOG MONSTER; a film worthy of ridicule, scorn, and unconditional love. I think the best way to sum DRAGON WARS up would be to paraphrase Charles Dickens:

"It was the best of films; it was the worst of films..."

HIS NAME IS HYUNG-RAE SHIM AND HE PAID $70 MILLION TO MAKE DRAGON WARS