MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE STONE COLD

Okay, here's the deal. This will probably be the shortest running Foyeurism ever because I have another one almost ready to premiere and will most likely do so sometime in the first week of September. However, as you'll read below, a certain movie came out that I just had to see for myself, and, as expected, I felt it review worthy. Now I should say I also submitted this review to Ain't It Cool News about two days before I'm posting it here online. They've yet to put it up (there's no guarantee they ever will since I rarely do reviews for them anymore as it is) and given the timeliness of the review - from the looks of it's potential opening box office performance, the film may already be playing in your local dollar theaters before you even finish reading this sentence - I decided to go ahead and make it the August Foyeurism. If it also shows up on AICN; oh well. Like the bubble gum jingle - double the pleasure, double the fun. And if you haven't already, be sure to check out B-WARE: THE BLOG!

 

SUPERCROSS: THE REVIEW

 

Let me begin by introducing you to the SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE drinking games I've come up with. Every time someone on a dirt bike is shown jumping in the air in slow motion, take a shot. I don't recommend playing this game because you'll likely die of alcohol poisoning less than halfway into the film. I suggest you play the other one I came up with. Every time someone on a dirt bike is shown coming around a curve in slow motion, take a shot. This one won't kill you but you'll still end up passed out drunk before the movie is over. Heavily inebriated is probably the best way to view SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE anyway.

Titled so as to not to be confused with SUPERCROSS: THE SPORT - I guess?

When I first read about SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE a little over a year ago, the first thing I said was, "This has got to be going direct-to-video." When I first saw a commercial advertising SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE six weeks ago, the first thing I said was, "This is actually getting a theatrical release?" Upon walking out of the theater after viewing SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE, the first thing I thought to myself was, "How the hell did this get a theatrical release?" That's not true. The first thing I actually said to myself was, "If I never see another shot of a dirt bike jumping into the air in slow motion again, it'll be too soon."

As low as my expectations were, I had this insane notion in my head that the film would turn out to be a variation on THE KARATE KID but with dirt bikes and MTV-style editing. I've always been a sucker for many of the youthful underdog movies that began to spring up in the wake of THE KARATE KID's megasuccess; RAD being my favorite, second only to NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER. While it does have elements of the youthful underdog/David vs. Goliath scenario, SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE buries it under a mound of lame WB Network-style melodrama and frenetic camera tricks that become numbingly repetitive by the end of the first reel. If you've seen one dirt bike jump through the air in slow motion, you've seen a million dirt bikes jumping through the air in slow motion, and before this movie is over, you will indeed see a million dirt bikes jumping through the air in slow motion.

While it's nice to see a movie of this type not feel the need to devolve into nothing but sophomoric humor (i.e. GRIND), that doesn't meant it should play out like a pilot for a dramatic series based around the world of motocross racing that's so melancholy even the WB Network wouldn't pick it up. Say what you will about a movie like TORQUE, it knew what kind of movie it wanted to be and never tried to be anything but that. SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE is stunningly joyless; all anyone does in this movie is gripe or sulk or try entirely too hard to come across as sincere. This would be all well and good if the film was at least done well and good. As it is, the only true entertainment value to be derived from SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE is marveling how filmmakers can be handed what seems like such a simplistic concept and still manage to totally botch not only it, but the traditional "David vs. Goliath" underdog scenario as well. More on that shortly.

The main selling point of SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE is supposed to be supercross racing action, right? The film opens with actual supercross racing highlights featuring jumps and spills more spectacular than any of the stuff staged for the movie itself. That's probably why most of the racing footage you see in the TV spots for the film comes from this opening montage and not from the actual film. If filming damn near every shot of a dirt bike jumping into the air in slow motion wasn't bad enough, the majority of these shots are also so tightly framed that it's nearly impossible to gauge just how high or how far they're actually jumping. This is a sport about speed and stunt jumping yet this is a movie about filming the action up close, often in slow motion. And let's be honest; just as with NASCAR, a lot of people tune in hoping to see a spectacular crash. There's a real life crash shown during the film's opening credits where the rider went over the handle bars and got his face planted into the ground full force. You'll see it at the beginning of all the TV spots. It's hard to imagine someone walking away or even surviving such a devastating wreck. It's also hard to believe that filmmakers with a multimillion dollar budget and professional stuntmen couldn't stage at least one crash anywhere as brutal looking for their film. The crashes are almost all wipeouts where riders go sliding into one another. When the racing footage in a racing movie is boring, you have no movie.

Because one can never get enough of those dirt bikes jumping into the air in slow motion!

And here's a bizarro world factoid for you: one of SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE's eleven (!) producers is Richard Gabai, a lower tier b-movie comedic actor who has made a career appearing in z-grade films for Jim Wynorski, Fred Olen Ray, and Roger Corman, as well as ones he himself has produced directed. His career highlights include ASSAULT OF THE PARTY NERDS, BIKINI DRIVE-IN, STRIPTEASER, DEMON WIND, KICKBOXING ACADEMY, 13 EROTIC GHOSTS, RAPTOR, FINAL EXAMINATION, CURSE OF THE KOMODO, and, most recently, GLASS TRAP. I'm still debating whether producing this film would be considered a step up for him or par for the course.

Also, one of the other producers is named Steve Austin. You can imagine my disappointment to look him up on IMDB and learn that he was neither the "Stone Cold" or the Six Million Dollar Man one.

From what I've read, SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE got one last run through the editing machine just before release. That would certainly explain why the film barely clocks in at 75 minutes. I'm guessing a lot of the supporting characters and subplots fell victim to this final hour editing; none faring worse than Daryl Hannah - she's not even in the movie anymore. Her entire character is gone even though she still appears in some of the production photos for the film. No wonder she's talking of quitting showbiz. On the other hand, not be associated with a film this lousy can't be all that bad.

SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE is about two brothers, K.C. and Trip, sons of a late motocross rider that now work as pool cleaners while spending every waking moment longing to become professional motocross riders themselves. Scruffy brunette K.C. is the responsible one, and for being so, he is constantly being ragged on by his brother for not being enough of a risk taker. Scruffy blonde Trip is the heckraiser. I say heckraiser because he's still too whitebread to be called a hellraiser, and because his idea of being reckless involves going swimming in the pools of rich people they're cleaning. A rebel without a cause, he is not.

Oh, if you're concerned about hearing spoilers in a review for a film called SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE then immediately stop reading right now, find the nearest hammer, and give yourself a good smack to the head.

The scruffy brothers get invited to try out for Nami, a fictitious bike manufacturing corporation owned by Lewis from REVENGE OF THE NERDS. Between this and that Sci-Fi Channel ATTACK OF THE SABRETOOTH movie I saw him in a few weeks back, it's quite apparent that Robert Carradine has fully settled into easy paycheck collection mode, not that his career was on fire anyway; but still. Carradine bases his entire future marketing strategy around his son, who is currently the hottest motorbike racer in the country. The plan is for son to keep winning and building a name for himself until finally taking the Supercross championship at the finals in Las Vegas; thus fans everywhere will run out the next day and purchase the new Nami superbike that he rides. The only problem with this plan is that his son is an arrogant jerk that needs a "wingman" to run interference against other riders in order to win these races. Personally, I'd say his biggest problem is that his father named him Rowdy Sparks. Yes, I said his name is Rowdy Sparks. Clearly, his father has hated him from the moment he was born.

During this tryout, Rowdy suddenly shifts into prick mode and tries to make K.C. wreck, setting off a physical confrontation between him and Trip. Despite this incident, K.C. still doesn't hesitate when offered a job as a "factory rider" for Nami; specifically, to serve as the new "wingman" for the jerk that just tried to make him wreck. Trip, however, is forced to go it alone as a "privateer," meaning he races without benefit of corporate sponsorship. This is one of those movies where the screenwriters tossed in a lot of insider lingo to make the film sound more hip to its subject matter than it probably really is. A film the mediocre doesn't do the sport it's supposed to be promoting any favors.

Being a "factory rider" isn't all it's cracked up to be for K.C. As Rowdy keeps racking up wins, K.C. pouts because he knows Nami won't allow him to win any himself, just making certain that Rowdy does. Trip begins giving K.C. grief for being a corporate lackey and K.C. continues to give Trip grief for being an irresponsible slacker that's wasting his god-given talent, even going so far as to tell Trip he's the better rider of the two. Both of them make valid points about the other, making it kind of hard to root for either one of them.

So what about girlfriend problems? That's a hallmark of this type of movie, just not this particular one. K.C. gets his rich girlfriend in just the first 10 minutes of the movie and no conflict in their relationship ever arises. Hell, this girl lives for her man. Despite being on the verge of graduating law school, she seemingly puts her entire life on hold to travel the country with him so that she can stare in a concerned manner from the sidelines during his races, not unlike Mr. Miyagi watching Daniel-san fight. There's never any of the rich girl/poor guy "wrong side of the tracks" conflicts you'd expect, nor is there ever even any problems involving groupies throwing themselves at him even though there's a scene that seemingly lays the groundwork for such a subplot to eventually take place.

Trip hardly suffers in the romance department either. Another racer named Piper, played by a stick figure blonde with a vacant glassy eyed stare and stupid grin perpetually frozen on her face that makes her come across as being more developmentally challenged than the savvy veteran of the motocross circuit that she's supposed to be playing. There are no complications to their relationship either as it's made abundantly clear from the moment they meet that he could have this girl anytime he wants. At least their relationship leads to the film's most unintentionally hilarious sequences: a romantic music video where the two of them dirt racing side-by-side is clearly meant to be a metaphor for foreplay.

Piper's daddy also warms up to the shaggy slacker. Robert Patrick plays Piper's father, a racing veteran that now runs his own racing team that seems to consist only of his daughter and son Owen, a champion motocross rider in a different racing class played by every 12-year old girl's wet dream, Aaron Carter. So after finding out that Trip's dad used to belong to the same motorcycle club he did and listening to the young "privateer" give an impassioned speech about how he wants to follow in the footsteps of the only other "privateer" to ever win the Supercross championship, Robert Patrick gives him an excessively emotional hug, presents him with a new top-of-the-line bike, and offers to back him on his quest for glory.

I really have to question this guy's parenting skills. Even though he takes a liking to Trip, I can't imagine there not even being a single line of dialogue from him regarding the boy's blooming relationship with his daughter; not even the clichéd "treat her right or else" moment. I doubt he'd be too happy to know the guy's banging his baby girl in the garage even if she is the aggressor in the relationship. He also must have put Owen up for adoption in order to make room for new potential son-in-law Trip because Aaron Carter completely vanishes halfway through the film never to be heard from again. Then again, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Now that speech Trip gave about the only other "privateer" to ever win the big one, combined with K.C. telling him earlier that he's really the better rider of the two, should seemingly set up the film's finale where Trip will race K.C. in the Supercross finals and win the championship; whether he does so by outright winning the race or by having K.C. turn on Rowdy by giving the guy a taste of his own medicine to ensure Trip coming in first. Either way, all basic movie logic points to Trip being the underdog that should stand triumphant at the end of the movie.

Nope.

In the race before the Supercross championships, Trip suffers a career ending injury in a less than spectacular crash. Even worse, K.C. defies Nami's orders and wins the race on his own, beating Rowdy. K.C. gets terminated, but immediately heads over to the T-1000's camp and picks up where Trip left off. So not only does the wrong brother win in the end, the wrong brother that wins has already defeated his most hated rival in a race even before the big race at the end of the movie; and before the big race even takes place, that most hated rival has already been reduced to behaving like a punk bitch, panicking because he knows the guy who is supposed to be the unlikely underdog can beat him.

Think back to THE KARATE KID. At the end of the movie, Daniel crane kicks Johnny, both winning the tournament and finally defeating the bully that had been tormenting him. Sure, you knew Daniel was going to win the tournament anyway, but the filmmakers did such a great job stacking the deck against him so that when he finally overcame the odds it made for a great feel good moment. Now imagine if when Mr. Miyagi took Daniel to the Kobra Kai dojo to challenge them to the tournament, he and the bully Johnny did some sparring right there and then and Daniel came out victorious. Remember when Daniel got injured and it looked as if he'd have to forfeit due to the Kobra Kai member cheap-shotting his knee in the semi-finals despite the objection of Johnny, who was still so full of himself that he was convinced he could still easily defeat Daniel no matter what? Now imagine if that hadn't happened. Do you think Daniel's victory would have really felt like much of a triumph if he had already defeated his rival prior to the tournament finals, the rival was already running scared before then, and they really did nothing to try and sabotage his chances of winning in the end? That's exactly what SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE does.

The championship arrives. Newly "privateer" K.C., not Trip, is now the one destined to win. Rowdy and his dad are deeply concerned because they know K.C. can spoil everything for them. The movie established early on that K.C. had a bad knee that could affect his riding. Nothing ever comes of this fact, nor do the Nami guys ever do anything underhanded to throw a monkey wrench into K.C.'s inevitable victory. The only thing standing in K.C.'s way is Rowdy's new "wingman" and another racing rival K.C. managed to piss off back when he was helping Rowdy win. Both of these potential obstacles are so underplayed it doesn't matter, but the scenario becomes even more insulting when that rival - the very one that came up to K.C. before the race even began and all but threatened him - takes out Rowdy's wingman (seemingly on purpose) to help K.C., who goes on to a rather easy victory with the triumphant moment involving slow motion, bullet time, and background fireworks just as you'd expect in a Simpsons or South Park parody of this very sort of cinematic moment. When K.C.'s girlfriend tells him afterwards, "You deserve this," it not only rings hollow, it's just nauseating. The people responsible for this movie don't seem to understand a damn thing about how to properly build up a movie underdog. I can't even recall another underdog overcoming the odds movie that botches the formula to such a staggering degree as this film does.

Then the movie dares to conclude with a heavy handed message about how you can't get to the top without help from those closest to you. Oh, please! Is it really that hard getting to the top when the others supporting you are handing you just about everything you need on a silver platter? How many lucky breaks did these two get throughout the film's running time again? Sheesh!

I wish they'd hurry up and release RAD to DVD because I really need to cleanse my pallet after this debacle. Uwe Boll's movie version of the video game MX UNLEASHED would have made for a better movie-going experience than this dreck. Heck, there's even a racing scene in the movie set to the tune of one of the songs featured prominently in MX UNLEASHED. Damn you, Clear Channel! Damn you and your corporate synergy!

IN MEMORY OF DARYL HANNAH

No, she herself is not dead; but when your role in a films as lame as SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE is getting edited completely out due to time constraints, your career officially is.

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE TORQUE