MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY & I PAID TO SEE SOLDIER

When did VH1 transform into a more obnoxious, more vacuous, more downright annoying version of the E! Network? I never watched VH1 but I do remember a time when they were a lite-rock version of MTV and not a gayer version of the E! Network. I first took notice of this during the period when they were running I Love The 80's. I didn't mind that show and actually found it amusing to look back on the decade that composed most of my childhood. It's been about 15 years since that decade ended so it was the perfect time to look back and poke fun at the era. Then they ran it into the ground. I love the 80's but I don't love the 80's in 6-hour blocks 7 days a week. And since the show was such a hit they decided to go ahead and do I Love The 90's a decade too soon. 1999 was only 4 years ago. Even the E! Network did a special look back at the 90's. It's official - nostalgia is dead! Like Brando and Weezie, nostalgia is dead and gone. It's gone from being fun and jokey to annoying and run into the ground. Enough already! VH1 only has 10 episodes of I Love The 90's yet they even run them in multi-hour blocks every damn day. I guess they have to run something in-between their C-list comedians making snarky comments on pop culture and the excessive number of shows about celebrities with the word "Awesomely" in the title. The whole VH1 network has gone from being a channel that ran the kind of music they play in department stores to being a channel that seems to have the mentality of a gay hairdresser that loves to gossip and make catty comments about others behind their backs. I can't wait until 10 years from now (or 5 years from now considering how quick on the trigger they are) when they introduce another new series I Love I Love The 80's where the comics zing the comics that were zinging the 80's nostalgia.

ORANGE ALERT: TERROR SQUAD

Remember the good old days when Hollywood could make cheap, cheesy action films where Middle Eastern terrorists were just generic, inept villains used as whipping boys by Rambo wannabes or Chuck Norris himself? There was a time before September 11, 2001 when Hollywood made such movies. Those days are long gone, replaced with color-coded terror warnings and Tom Ridge press conferences where we're told to stay on alert but don't panic because they don't have any specifics, just chatter they've overheard. We've gone through these motions so many times since 9/11 that it's started to feel like a case of the boy who cried wolf. In the past few weeks alone it's gotten to the point that I think if there isn't a major terrorist attack at either the Summer Olympics or the Democratic or Republican conventions then the media and many of the general public are going to be really, really disappointed. Too much hype and so little payoff... It will be like THE MATRIX: RELOADED all over again.

But today, we're going to laugh at Islamic terrorism, as hard as that may be to believe, because there was an era in the 80's and 90's where the threat didn't seem real and Islamic terrorists were the Washington Generals of action movie villainy. We're going to take a trip back and enjoy the taste of a great big bowl of 80's action movie cheese called TERROR SQUAD. Trust me, you're going to like the taste of this cinematic cheese. It's going to be like there's a jihad in your mouth and everyone's an infidel!

From 1987 comes TERROR SQUAD, a movie that dared to put INVASION USA, THE BREAKFAST CLUB, and DOG DAY AFTERNOON into one gigantic blender along with a heaping wedge of 1980's cheese and hit frappe! The movie was written by the same guy who would go on to give the world TIMECOP and currently scripts episodes of Smallville and was filmed on location in the great state of Indiana. A nice gooey slice of cheesy regional filmmaking this is. Chalk this one up as a guilty pleasure because it is far more entertaining than it has any right to be. Needless to say I like this one quite a bit.

TERROR SQUAD opens in Libya; at least I think it's supposed to be Libya. They were the hotbed for terrorism back in the Reagan era so I can only assume. It appears that a group of terrorists are holding a pep rally. Either that or the terrorist's guild is staging a strike. Someone who I think is supposed to be Mohammar Qaddafi is standing on a balcony delivering an EVITA-like speech damning the United States for being the Great Satan infidels that we are. I'm guessing that's what he's doing because none of this is subtitled for us but there are people in the crowd holding up signs written in English with anti-American slogans like DEATH TO AMERICAN DOGS and they begin burning some sort of effigy dressed up like Uncle Sam. Somewhere in America, a young Toby Keith weeps.

The film's title explodes on the screen in a manner very typical of 80's action flicks. Another surefire sign that this movie was made in the 80s is the score. If you love jazzy electronic keyboard scores then TERROR SQUAD's soundtrack is something you'll want to track down. I can tell right away that this music is going to get extremely annoying before it's all said and done.

Following the opening credits, the movie takes us to a farm country high school in Kokomo, Indiana where we're introduced to the various teen characters who are going to play a big part in what is yet to come. I know this movie was made in the eighties but these teens are just too eighties even for the 1980's. You name the 80's teen movie character cliché and it is here. Well, except for the breakdancing black guy in the Thriller jacket. He's nowhere to be found although we do briefly see a Stoney Jackson look-a-like but he's just a background character in a scene or two. If nothing else, at least it's good to know that school is integrated.

Tell you what. How about I just introduce you to the core students who will play a role in the film?

Johnny Dillon (The Cool Rebel)

He has long hair and wears a black leather jacket and blue jeans. Somewhere between Scott Valentine and Billy Squier lies Johnny Dillon. Everything about his look screams "I Love Winger!" Not surprisingly, he's a wannabe rock star and is introduced rockin' out in the basement with his guitar along with Gus, the old black janitor who seems to act as his guitar-teaching Mr. Miyagi. Strum on. Strum off. Johnny is always trying to act cooler than thou and thus has no friends other than Gus thus guaranteeing that Gus will die right in front of poor Johnny before it's all over. Despite his cool exterior, you know he's just a big wus deep down.

The Jock (Name Unimportant)

He looks like Hitler's blueprint for the master race: tall, muscular, and blonde. Somewhere Reb Brown wants his DNA back. Our jock appears to where his varsity jacket 24/7. He lives in the thing. And he talks like a total lunkhead, but that's probably because he has the mental capacity of a chickpea. If intelligence came in weight classes then this guy would be in the Featherweight division. Oh, he considers making fart noises with his armpit to be high comedy.

The Cheerleader (Name Unimportant)

She's the jock's girlfriend and its no wonder because she too looks like perfect breeding stock for the Hitler youth. Together, these two could very well spawn the Anti-Christ. Much like the Jock and his jacket, she apparently lives in her cheerleading uniform. She's very perky, terminally so, which guarantees that she'll devolve into an emotional train wreck before the ordeal is all over. If this were a slasher film she would be one of the first to die, most likely while having sex with her boyfriend.

The New Wave Chick (Name Unimportant)

If it's set in the 80's there has to be one character that is into the punk rock or new wave movement and this movie is no exception. She has big multicolored hair and wears entirely too much blue eye shadow. She too tries to act too cool for the room but most of the time you barely notice she's there. She also smokes but that still doesn't make her seem as tough as she seems to think she is. Truth be told, she's the least of main group of characters as she has little dialogue and it actually looks as if she vanishes and reappears in the background of certain scenes as if they just didn't need her on the set that day. I'm don't recall if they ever actually gave her a name. She's such a non-character it really doesn't matter.

Dingle (The Nerd)

He'd have to be the nerd with a name like Dingle. I suspect the writer of the film derived the name by shortening the word "dingle berry". With his blonde hair, geek glasses, and dorky clothes he looks like the lovechild of Peter Billinglsy and Ed Begley Jr. He's also extremely horny as he is introduced watching a porno film, that appears to have been filmed in infrared on what appears to be a Commodore 64 computer. That just begs questions I don't feel like asking. You just know this guy's favorite movie is PORKY'S REVENGE.

Jennifer (The Average Girl)

She looks and acts like your typical 80's teenage girl. There is nothing else about her worth noting other than Johnny does seem a mite fond of her.

Ladies and gentlemen, these are the students of the generically named Hoosier High School soon to find themselves in the middle of a jihad. Kinda makes you weep for the future, huh?

Back to the action, we suddenly cut to, as the on-screen graphic informs us, DUNES BEACH, INDIANA at the CANADIAN-INDIANA BORDER where Libyan terrorists proceed to come across this waterway border toting their bags of shotguns and detonators and dynamite and rocket launchers and grenades and uzis…oh my! I wasn't aware that Canada and Indiana shared a border but I'll take their word for it. A better question is why is this scene happening in the dark of night when the school scene we were just shown took place in broad daylight?

Back to the school in broad daylight where all the students we were introduced to are in after school detention. These "teens" look to be of high school age in much the same way that the casts of most 80's teen films didn't. More importantly, THE BREAKFAST CLUB is going to save democracy! Hooha, semper fi!

Johnny Dillon strolls into detention jamming on his electric guitar that he has plugged into an amp in his back pocket. The authoritarian teacher in charge of detention scolds him and suggests they all read a book for the duration of the detention and then leaves to go do whatever. As is the norm in teen films, the teacher is a jerk that none of the students like. Sheesh, they really are trying to mimic THE BREAKFAST CLUB here.

The jock decides to entertain everyone by displaying his talent for making fart noises with his armpit. I remember many of the jocks I went to high school with and while some of them were certainly idiots they still weren't this far gone. Only his girlfriend is amused by his musical armpit stylings. Sadly, I do remember some of the cheerleaders I went to high school with being this dense.

Dingle, our token nerd, isn't paying attention to any of this because he has a mini-TV and is watching a workout show so he can lust over the leotard-clad women doing aerobics. Okay, maybe this isn't completely like THE BREAKFAST CLUB.

The aerobic show goes to a commercial for doggy mouthwash (Seriously!) only to get interrupted by a special news bulletin about the country being on edge about possible terrorism due to recent events in the Middle East. The newscaster states that the local Black River Nuclear Plant has increased security dramatically. Would any channel really interrupt regular programming to announce this? Making this scene even sadder is the news set. Working at a TV station I can assure you that no news set looks this generic unless it was filmed in someone's garage. The set consists solely of a plain white desk and a plain white backdrop with the station's call letters spelled out in black. Public access channels have fancier sets. More than likely this was set was filmed in somebody's garage.

Never accuse the news of always being a pack of lies because no sooner does this report air that the movie jumps to outside the Black River Nuclear Plant where Libyan terrorists have already gathered nearby. One of the terrorists is staring at the Plant intently while chewing on a peach in a manner in which only someone truly evil could chew it. We see a ragtag group of four terrorists and unless I'm losing my mind one of them appears to be Adrian Zmed. I know it can't possibly be Adrian Zmed, but one of these terrorists looks like an Arab Adrian Zmed. The hairline is a little too receded to be Zmed but still. The Arabic Adrian Zmed is actually pouting because he's not the one who is going to get to kill himself in the name of Allah today. The plan is for this little Arnold Horshack looking terrorist to drive this big black van into the plant and detonate a bomb. He's instructed to "drive very fast" and "do not stop." Well duh.

The other terrorists climb into their sedan and drive right up to the front of the nuclear plant where the machine gun toting guards who are supposed to be on high alert are just chit chatting and not paying any attention until one of the terrorists whips out a rocket launcher and blows up the gate. That gets their attention. The guards open fire but the terrorists manage to fire off a second rocket, without ever having reloaded mind you, blowing up the guard post.

Horshack goes barreling through in the van but the terrorist's plans get shot to hell - literally - when the remaining guards riddle the van with bullets causing it to explode after only a few yards. If that thing were loaded with explosives powerful enough to take out a nuclear plant you'd think it's exploding and bursting into flames would have caused a massive explosion. The van didn't even completely blow up. Boy, these terrorists suck as terrorism. Realizing they've screwed the pooch, the remaining terrorists haul ass in their sedan with the cops in hot pursuit.

Meanwhile, the movie's real star, Chuck Connors aka The Rifleman, is seated in his squad car at the local Sonic preparing to take a bite of his burger when he gets radioed about the attempted terrorist attack. Connors was 66 when he made this movie and looked then what Kirk Douglas looks like today. Sadly, he would die from lung cancer five years after making this film. The late Chuck Connors is Police Chief Rawlings but I'm just going to refer to him as Chuck Connors throughout this review since he's the only name actor in the flick and because he's Chuck Connors, a man back in the days when men were men and not metrosexuals. Connors puts out an APB on a blue Ford sedan filled with Libyan nogoodnicks and takes off to join the 100 mph chase.

100 mph chase? A senior citizen behind the wheel? This could be trouble.

The chase is joined in progress as one of the Libyans tosses a hand grenade that blows up one squad car and causes a second to go flying off the road in slow motion no less into a lake. A third squad car was apparently being driven by someone with no depth perception because despite having plenty of time to do so he fails to hit his breaks and smashes into the back of the first car. Chuck Connors sees the wreckage, gets pissed, and speeds after those terrorist bastards.

Those evil Libyans then shoot up an innocent civilian's vehicle causing her car to go off the road and crash into a pole as Chuck Connors passes by. Despite the fact that he's already passed by this crashed car, he still raises one of his arms to protect his face as it explodes - behind him. It's called continuity, people! How often must I stress continuity? It's one of the cornerstones of filmmaking.

Worst Witness Protection Program Ever!

Next up, an old man is crossing the road with his groceries and those evil sons of bitches just run him down. A crowd gathers around his corpse but have to run for their lives as Chuck Connors comes barreling around the corner. In fact, Chuck Connors runs over the poor guy's corpse. Lovely. This is why the elderly shouldn't be allowed to drive.

This is followed with a woman crossing the road pushing a baby carriage. Even teasing such a thing in this movie proves the filmmakers are some seriously twisted individuals. Fortunately, a truck pulls out and causes the Libyans to make a sharp turn before hitting her and her baby. More importantly, Chuck Connors also manages to not run over the mother and her baby.

All we're missing now is the two guys hauling the huge plane of glass across the street and a fruit or newspaper stand and we'll have hit just about all of the car chase clichés.

The cops manage to lose track of the terrorists in the back alleys of town and the movie attempts to build suspense, or proceeds to drag as the case maybe, as this search plays out for several listless minutes. Finally, the cops find them and the high-speed pursuit starts all over again.

We are now entering into the 10th minute of this chase sequence. No kidding, I clocked it.

After witnessing the horrible deaths of several innocent people at the hands of international terrorists we could all use some comedy relief right? Well, the terrorists nearly run an old couple in an antique car off the road causing the elderly woman to yell, "Stupid kids!" HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Oh, let me take a second to compose myself. Damn, that's comedy gold. Where was this old lady on 9/11 when we needed her shtick to soothe our frazzled nerves? Another police car gets run off the road and explodes. The old couple in their antique roadster casually drives by the flaming wreckage. Nothing like a little sitcom humor in the middle of a killing spree, huh?

They proceed to shoot another police car causing it to ram into yet another thus sending it flying through the air in slow motion. Both explode. Two more cops set up a roadblock. This might have worked if not for that huge parking lot that the terrorists just turned into and came out the other side of. The Indiana Highway Patrol clearly leaves a lot to be desired. On the plus side, seeing as how they're dropping like flies in this film they'll soon have to start hiring again and hopefully get themselves some competent troopers this time.

It seems the seemingly endless chase may finally be nearing an end as the terrorists mistakenly turn into what appears to be a dirt farm. Don't know where they are at but enormous mounds of dirt are everywhere. It looks like a junkyard without the junk, just heaping mountains of dirt. Just when it seems like the cops have them boxed in, they shoot up another squad car. By the grace of God, this one doesn't explode.

They fire another rocket and manage to blow up a water tower causing it to topple over setting off another huge explosion. Actually, they mistimed the explosion as it blew up just a second or two before hitting the ground. Still, why was there an explosion? Did it land on that squad car? I didn't see it land on anything. Besides, it was a water tower. What the hell just exploded? Everything in this movie seems to be combustible.

The chase quickly makes its way into an auto junkyard before we get much of a chance to contemplate what just exploded. One of the terrorists keeps firing rockets at random. They then enter into what appears to be a multi-story garage with old beat up junk cars parked inside. Does something like this exists somewhere in Indiana? It's like a mausoleum for wrecked cars. Yet another squad car gets shot up, drives right out of the side of the garage, crash lands on a pile of junk cars, and, what a surprise, explodes. Upon exiting the garage, the terrorists fire another rocket. It misses its intended target but hits a smokestack causing it to topple over. In a shocking turn of events, nothing explodes. However, it does send up a huge cloud of dirt into the air.

I should probably be keeping count of the number of cars to explode and rockets fired because we might have a record here but then my head might explode.

Back in detention… Oh, I'd almost forgotten there was a movie to go along with this chase. Dingle is still watching the Jazzercise show when it gets interrupted yet again with a special news bulletin detailing the "commando-style raid" on the local nuclear plant. Seeing how inept that raid was I think commandos everywhere deserve an apology. Oops, the teacher catches him watching TV and begins yelling at him. Dingle tells him about the breaking news story and hands him the TV only for him to see women in leotards working out. So a terrorist attack on a nuclear power plant on American soil is only important enough for a special news bulletin that lasts all of about 15 seconds? That whole 9/11 thing was totally overblown by the media. The teacher scolds Dingle along with everyone else and bemoans the absurdity that terrorists would ever want to attack Indiana. He should be careful. Statements like that usually guarantee the death of the character that said it.

Back to what seems like the longest car chase in movie history, the terrorists shoot a guy on a motorcycle causing it to burst into flames. Imagine if Roger Corman produced a cheap movie version of Marvel Comics' superhero Ghost Rider. The burning cyclist falls to the pavement and, thank God, Chuck Connors manages to avoid running him over. The terrorists proceed to plow right through a sign that says DEAD END, which for some reason does not lead to a dead end. Huh?

Now the terrorists are driving down Main Street and just begin shooting indiscriminately at everything and anyone. This is a surprisingly grisly sequence featuring the kind of over-the-top gratuitous violence rarely seen in most of today's action movies. I'm just going to detail the list of casualties in order:

· A large plant
· A newspaper vendor
· A guy in a phone booth
· A young kid
· A rather scruffy looking man
· Numerous car windows
· Numerous store windows
· Numerous cars
· Numerous store signs
· A guy painting the side of a building
· A guy standing in front of a barbershop
· Another store sign
· Another squad car gets shot, hits a parked car, and bursts into flames
· A guy sitting in a parked car gets shot in the face
· A comic book store goes boom (Those bastards!)
· A guy does some hot stepping as bullets are fired at his feet
· Another person gets gunned down
· More cars explode
· More tires get shot out
· More headlights get shot out
· Yet another car explodes
· Another car gets shot up, hits another car, and explodes
· A person bursts into flames for no apparent reason

By this point horror has transformed into absurdity, as the whole sequence becomes such overkill it begins resembling an Itchy & Scratch cartoon. They don't even show us how that last guy caught fire. But this sequence isn't quite done. Oh no, we have a bit more silliness to deal with. Now they just start lobbing grenades and shooting at people with rocket launchers. You see one guy go flying through the air with his arms flailing in a comical manner followed by a downright hysterical moment where an explosion sends what appears to be either a dummy or a very limber stuntman rocketing straight up into the air.

Allah's Deathmobile speeds away and it appears the chase may finally be over because Chuck Connors comes to a stop, steps out of his car to survey the carnage, and says "Dear Jesus!" instead of continuing to chase after these spree killing terrorists. Connors then gets on the radio and tells the dispatcher to notify the FBI. I'd like to think that if terrorists attempted to attack a nuclear power plant, one that was already on high alert anyway, the FBI would already be well aware of the situation. This never would have happened had Tom Ridge been in charge back then.

Instead of the FBI, here come the firemen. Screw those terrorists and their lousy car chase! What we really want to see is footage of firemen putting out fires, right? This is followed up with sequence in which we see the SWAT Team getting into gear, running out to their vehicles, getting their weapons, loading their weapons, talking on walkie talkies… Do we really need to see all of this in excruciating detail? Just get your gear and go! The movie even feels compelled to show them getting into their vehicles and driving off.

Well, it turns out the car chase still isn't over after all as we see a whole new set of squad cars in hot pursuit. They're racing a freight train and the terrorists manage to make it across and seemingly get away - again. Even the terrorists seem amazed that they have gotten away - again. This leads to Chuck Connors getting out of his car, looking around, and exclaiming, "Where the hell are those damn terrorists?" They really should remake this movie as a comedy called DUDE, WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE DAMN TERRORISTS?

The police helicopter has caught up to them. A cop with a machine gun starts sniping at them from it so they turn into a cornfield. Despite the fact that it is easy to follow the direction of the car plowing through the rows of corn from the air even though you can't actually see it, the chopper sniper doesn't fire on it. He just sits there patiently waiting for them to emerge from the cornfield. Either that or he's really worried about corn getting caught in crossfire. I'd expect that kind of behavior from cops in Nebraska but it's totally unprofessional elsewhere. He Who Drives Behind The Rows finally exits the cornfield and now the guy opens fire but the Sedan of Islam appears to be bulletproof. That Ford Sedan must be one hell of a car. You won't find a bulletproof car from Japan dammit! Buy American! Uh, so anyway, a terrorist whips out his trusty always-loaded rocket launcher and easily dispatches the police helicopter. I feel sorry for those of you who live in Indiana because if this movie is accurate then your police force just plain sucks.

Something just occurred to me. The bad guys are actually better shots than the good guys. I think this might be a movie first.

The car chase is now over 30 minutes old and I'm expecting Jerry Lewis to come out and check the tote board any second. So far this movie has been like INVASION USA but filmed with the mentality of a SMOKEY & THE BANDIT flick.

The police cars finally catch back up. A tractor pulling some hay conveniently spills some on the road forcing the terrorists to turn down a dirt road. The terrorists swerve but the inept Indiana highway patrol plows right into it. And since when does the highway patrol carry M-16 machine guns? Would you entrust firepower like that to guys that can't even avoid a bail of hay in the middle of the road?

They pull up near this tiny shed-like building just long enough for one of them to jump out and begin shooting at the cops with an uzi. I'd love to know what his master plan is. The entire police force has decided to abandon the pursuit to deal with this one lone terrorist. I wonder if that was his plan?

By the way, do police usually carry mortars with them? The cops are actually shooting at the lone terrorist with what looks like mini handheld mortars. So far in this chase I've seen the cops shooting at them with machine guns and mortars. What the hell do the cops need the SWAT team or the FBI or even the National Guard when they're already packing an arsenal that would give Rambo a woody? Then again, they're packing this kind of firepower and are still getting their asses handed to them by a ragtag group of terrorists in a Sedan who have already successfully bungled their main objective. But to be fair, the police don't have magically reloading unlimited ammo rocket launchers like the terrorists do.

The mortars pay off when all of a sudden the whole back of the building explodes sending this uzi-toting terrorist into the air and off to the next world with the 72 virgins. Those poor women.

But back to the chase where the cops have once again caught up to Allah's Deathmobile. Another squad car gets shot with the rocket launcher causing it to burst into flames, run off the road, and then explode. The sight of an exploding vehicle just doesn't carry the same impact it did 20 minutes and 20 vehicles ago.

And Dingle is still watching his Jazzercise program, which finally comes to an end. As the women wave goodbye, Dingle proves he doesn't have a shred of dignity by waving back to the tiny screen like a complete and total loser.

The world's angriest teacher confiscates the handheld television that getting better reception in 1987 than they do today. At least we finally hear this teacher's name. It's Mr. Nero. Oh boy. I guess naming him Professor Hitler or Principal Caligula wouldn't have been subtle enough? As best I can tell his job is to just walk around detention and berate everybody individually. He does it quite well though.

And then suddenly from out of nowhere two Muslim terrorists come running through the door into the classroom screaming and waving their uzis!

Wait a minute! Hold on a minute! The movie skipped the whole end of the chase including the part where they decide to take refuge in a high school. What may very well have been the longest car chase in movie history ends without a concluding shot. The director just went right to the hostage taking. I feel so cheated right now.

The head terrorist, who resembles self-help guru Deepak Chopra to a disturbing degree, orders Mr. Nero to keep the children quiet. Considering what a lousy job he's done at that so far I'm expecting a lot of dead kids any second now.

"We're here to avenge the bombing of our country, not to hurt students," says Deepak. I don't know about that. If they'd succeeded at blowing up that nuclear reactor I think they would have killed a whole bunch of students within a several square mile radius.

The younger terrorist with him is named Gamal, so until I learn the main terrorist's name I will be referring to these two as Deepak and Gamal. And I've gotta say, Deepak has got the hairiest arms I've ever seen on a human being. Robin Williams doesn't have arms this hairy. Most apes don't have arms this hairy. Also, Gamal has got a major receding hairline going on. In fact, he may be completely bald before the end of the movie. Perhaps he should borrow some of Deepak's arm hair?

Mr. Nero gives them his car keys but before they can do anything Chuck Connors and the last surviving members of the Indiana police department come driving up. Why would they even want a different car seeing as how Allah's Deathmobile has proven unstoppable thus far?

Ooooh, terrorists are grodie!

Johnny proves what a brainchild he is by uttering a racial slur at the armed terrorists. I'd suspect that if this were reality Johnny would be killed in a heartbeat but this is a movie so they merely whack him across the face.

From out of nowhere, old man Gus comes shuffling into the room playing his harmonica, seemingly unaware of the terrorist takeover and apparently too deaf to hear a small army of squad car sirens outside. His entrance startles the terrorists and they gun him down before he has a chance to realize what a mistake he's made. Didn't I call it? Didn't I tell you he would die? I told you this was going to happen. I just didn't think it would happen so sudden.

Johnny starts blubbering. Wow, look at those lips quiver! Somehow, Johnny just doesn't seem so cool anymore.

The SWAT team shows up. They arrive in a very generic looking van with the letters S.W.A.T. taped on it. Something tells me this truck was used to deliver bread or milk before the filmmakers rented it for the movie.

Chuck Connors gets on the bullhorn and tells the terrorists they've got 5 minutes to come out with their hands. The terrorists do so and the closing credits roll. Yeah right! But wouldn't that have been a hell of a twist?

Johnny finally stops whimpering like a baby and tries talking tough again. Gamal is about to kill him when Deepak explains to the rookie terrorist the finer points of hostage taking and how killing the hostages ahead of time is not a good way to keep the forces of law and order from storming the building. Deepak explains that they will "take the hostages home" with them. Someone with a mouth like Johnny's ain't gonna last long in Libya, I can tell you that.

Hold on. Deepak does indeed have a name. It's Yassir. So our final terrorists are Yassir, the older leader with the simian-like arm hair, and Gamal, the younger hothead with the rapidly retreating hairline. I'm sorry but these two wouldn't last three minutes in a Chuck Norris movie. Fortunately for them, this is a Chuck Connors movie and Chuck Connors was just too old at this point to be kicking anybody's ass.

It's really got to suck being an Arab-American actor. For the longest time the only work they could get were playing sheiks, desert nomads, peasants, or terrorists and now thanks to political correctness, even the terrorist, sheik, nomad, and peasant roles have dried up. Yet for some reason political correctness doesn't seem to have any problem with Arab actors portraying cab drivers, convenience store clerks, and extras in mummy movies.

Yassir and Gamal make their demands: a bus is to be backed up to the door of the school so it can take all of them to the airport where a fully fueled jet is to be waiting to take them back home to the Middle East. Something tells me they aren't going to get that. Chuck Connors is talking through a bullhorn in the parking lot and Yassir is yelling out a window yet he sounds almost as loud and clear as Connors.

In a scene that almost seems like sarcasm on the part of the filmmakers, Yassir gives the students a rambling speech about how they are only out to defend their country from American aggression, that they did not come to America to kill school children (Again, nuclear fallout only affects adults?), that the media lies because there are no terrorists in Libya (Then what the hell are they?), and then finally begins banging his fist on a desk while screaming "We are not violent people!" Subtle.

Out in the parking lot, Connors and the SWAT captain get into an argument over which one of them should be in charge of the situation. Mind you, this is because the FBI has still yet to arrive. Connors, who admits that his only knowledge of hostage negotiation comes from having seen the movie DOG DAY AFTERNOON, wins the argument and the SWAT captain skulks off like a small child that's just been scolded by his dad.

Chuck Connors is wearing an old Brooklyn Dodgers jacket. This is clearly an in-joke since Connors himself played for the team before he began his acting career. According to a billboard in the background, the school's mascot is the wildcat. The Hoosier High Wildcats just doesn't work for me. How about the Hoosier High Hosses or the Hoosier High Fightin' Cornshuckers? I'd pay to see that football team play.

Back inside, Gamal's anger management problems manifests itself again as he just starts whacking students across the back of the head at random. Given my genuine dislike for the people in this room I can't help but to fully support his actions here.

The Cheerleader raises her hand and asks if she can go to the bathroom. Yassir says it's okay but only if Gamal goes with her. She looks at Gamal, who gives her a look that seems to indicate that he's contemplating rape. She quickly changes her mind. Good call.

The students are then instructed to write their names out on a piece of paper. Dingle suddenly freaks out yelling about how they're planning to draw the names of those they are going to kill. The Jock jumps up and attacks Gamal from behind only to get smacked hard in the face for his trouble, knocking him unconscious. Dingle and Johnny use the opportunity to bravely abandon their schoolmates and haul ass out of the room. Gamal gives chase, shooting at them. Everyone else in the room instantly hits the deck. All those years of tornado and fire drills have finally paid off.

The cops outside hear the gunfire and begin panicking. The SWAT captain again asserts that they should just storm the building forcing Connors to once again remind him just who the star of the movie is. Yassir goes to the window to inform them that everything inside is okie dokie and that they were just trying to calm the rowdy students down with the soothing sounds of semi-automatic gunfire. Connors is skeptical yet still buys into this explanation. Hey, the man used to be The Rifleman so he's used to gunshots going off for no particular reason.

Yassir then points his arm hair in the direction of those still in the room and orders a time out, which they wisely agree to. It might also have been because he was aiming his machine gun at them but the arm hair alone would have been enough to get me in line. Yassir is not happy, The Cheerleader won't stop blubbering, Jennifer's mascara is starting to run, The Jock is still unconscious on the floor, and Gamal sulks back into the room upset over his inabilities to gun down a nerd and a big hair rocker wannabe.

Dingle and Johnny are still in the school somewhere looking for an exit when boldly Dingle states that they have to do something to help their captive classmates and stick-up-his-ass teacher. Johnny just wants to get the hell out of there. Yes, the wimpy, undersexed nerd, the dork who has probably been given enough wedgies to last a lifetime, is the one that wants to go all DIE HARD on the terrorists while the cool rebel just wants to save his 80's glam rock ass. Johnny is about to bail when Dingle evokes the name of Gus. A wave of guilt momentarily overtakes Johnny but he is still hesitant to do anything, reminding Dingle that there are armed terrorists in the building and they are just two unarmed wussies. Dingle says, "Let me show you something." This is no time for Commodore 64 porn.

Back outside, Chuck Connors bemoans the fact that the FBI has still yet to arrive. I think it is high time he just accepted the fact that they ain't comin'. He does however get the Governor on the radio, who after asking him what it was like to work with William Shatner in THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET informs him that the jet is ready and waiting at the airport. The feds have yet to show up but the Governor has a fully fueled airliner ready to take terrorist and hostage back to the Middle East? And where's President Reagan in all this? Napping?

Connors, the same guy who has already admitted that he's learned everything he knows about hostage negotiating from the movie DOG DAY AFTERNOON, gets on the bullhorn and begins demanding that the terrorists release a hostage as a sign of good faith. In the real world you just know this would all end in a massive bloodbath followed by months of Congressional inquiries.

Yassir initially refuses but he like everyone else is just sick to death of The Cheerleader's non-stop crying so he orders her to leave. It's always the cheerleaders always get preferential treatment. That bitch.

Dingle shows Johnny his little secret. No, not that little secret. Get your heads out of the gutter! Years of playing D&D and watching MacGyver has led to this moment - building a makeshift crossbow in shop class. You heard me right. Dingle proceeds to build a rinky-dink crossbow from a couple strips of metal and some wire. The filmmakers never really give us a good look at this thing and that's probably a good thing because it looks like two strips of metal molded in the general shape of a crossbow. Dingle also forges an arrow; actually it's more of a spear. He forges one arrow. ONE ARROW! Johnny wants to get the hell out of there but Dingle insists this will work. There are two terrorists with machine guns but he only forges one single arrow and declares that this metal shop crossbow loaded with a single arrow will help them rescue their friends. Dingle may be a nerd but he's obviously not a math whiz. Johnny splits and I can't say I blame him.

The Cheerleader comes running out of the school, blubbering incessantly the whole way. Connors attempts to console her and then begins asking her a series of rudimentary math questions.

"How many terrorists?"

"Ummm… 3 or 2."

"How many hostages?"

"Ummm… 5 or 4."

And yet they say cheerleaders are dumb?

Clearly this girl spent more time passing notes in math class than paying attention. Still, she and Dingle seem to be working on some mathematical wavelength this day. Connors says she's too emotional to answer questions and gives up. Yeah, too emotional, that's the reason. This girl is about as sharp as a bag of wet mice.

The school bus has arrived. The FBI remains MIA. Chuck Connors is needed on the set of Werewolf: The Series.

Johnny stumbles across Gus' corpse, which Gamal apparently just tossed in a darkened hallway somewhere. Johnny takes off his leather jacket, covers Gus' body with it, and begins sobbing in a manner usually reserved for Susan Lucci's Emmy reel. I'm amazed the phrase "For Your Consideration" doesn't appear at the bottom of the screen during this scene.

The New Wave Chick - I'd almost forgotten she was even there - starts getting defiant so Gamal has to rough her up a little. Mr. Nero actually stands up and starts to browbeat Gamal in much the same way he'd been browbeating the students before the siege began. Unfortunately, Mr. Nero forgot that Gamal is an international terrorist and not some scrub that got caught smoking in the boy's room and so Gamal proceeds to give him a gun butt right between the eyes. Mr. Nero's skull must be made of eggshells because it didn't even look like he got hit hard yet it was still enough to knock him out.

Oh wait, he's dead! Mr. Nero is dead! A simple bop to the forehead was all it took to send him to the great teacher's lounge in the sky. His skull must have been made of eggshells after all. This is just pathetic. Oh, I don't smell any Teacher of the Year awards in this guy's future.

Yassir and Gamal are ready to take their hostages and go but they seem to have a problem. Mr. Nero is dead, Johnny and Dingle escaped, The Jock is still unconscious on the floor, The Cheerleader was freed, and The New Wave Chick has sprained her ankle so badly she can't even stand up. Seriously, that's the reason why she's no longer a worthwhile hostage. These terrorists are too lazy to drag her ass to the bus. This leaves Jennifer, The Average Girl, who is selected to become an unwilling international exchange student. Hope she likes Falafel.

As Yassir grabs Jennifer and heads out the room, The Jock suddenly jolts back to life and begins waging mortal combat with Gamal. Emblazoned with power of Greyskull, The Jock proceeds to whoop his ass as only a Reb Brown look-a-like could do. This fight lasts long enough to make one wonder if Yassir has decided to just ditch his comrade in arms and hightail it back to Libya with his newfound American war bride. The Jock actually wrestles the uzi away from Gamal and is about to go all Rambo on him when Yassir finally makes his triumphant return to gun him down and send The Jock off to the great locker room in the sky. A tragedy, but at least he's a shoe-in to have the Yearbook dedicated to him.

Also on the plus side, The Jock's death does away with any chance of him and The Cheerleader procreating thus preventing the potential birth of the master race.

Okay, up until this point the movie had been cheesy as hell. No doubt about it whatsoever. But here's where the movie officially crosses the endzone into sheer delirium and spikes the football.

First of all, remember how the terrorists demanded the bus be backed up to the school's doors? Well, the bus is just parked out in front as it would be if it were there to pick up students at the end of the school day. This gives the snipers about 30-feet or more from the doors to the bus to take out Allah and Costello. They promptly emerge in the doorway with their hostage, standing out in the open like sitting ducks. They have Jennifer but Yassir is pointing his gun at the cops in one direction and Gamal is pointing his gun at the cops in another direction. Neither one of them has a gun aimed at the hostage, whose potential death is supposed to be the only thing preventing the snipers from opening fire. The snipers instead just sit there with their thumbs up their asses giving Yassir a chance to put his gun up to Jennifer's head. This never would have happened if only the FBI hadn't chosen this week to go on vacation.

Yassir orders Gamal to go to the deathmobile and get their bag of weapons, including the unlimited ammo magically reloading rocket launcher of infinite doom. Gamal does so and is still not shot despite being out in the open for a good 30 seconds. From out of nowhere, Yassir gets shot in the back with an arrow. An undersexed D&D geek has a bigger set of cajones than the entire SWAT team put together. Gamal fires at the second story window but Dingle ducks. He can even evade gunfire better than the police. The two terrorists and their hostage climb into the school bus without incident because even the courage of that brave dork couldn't help any of the cops grow a set. You'd think after having most of their brothers in uniform shot and blown up during the car chase from hell they'd all have itchy trigger fingers about now but no. This is truly a dark day for law enforcement in the Hoosier State.

Dingle is sad because his one arrow wasn't enough to stop two terrorists and because the Indiana police hesitate more than a Catholic schoolgirl at a Hell's Angels rally. Gamal gets behind the wheel of the bus and drives off. The cops continue to just stand around doing nothing as only they can. Dammit, Chuck Connors, you're the freakin' Rifleman, do something!

But wait!

Who is that on the roof of the school? Who is that preparing to jump off the roof of the school onto the roof of the school bus to defeat the terrorists, save the damsel in distress, and make American once again safe for people to go to sleep at night without the threat of Middle Eastern madmen? Why it's none other than cool rebel, wannabe rocker, punk ass bitch, and future president of the Jon Mikl Thor Fan Club, the one and only Johnny "Die Hard" Dillon! The cops look on in awe, Chuck Connors thinks he's insane, and Dingle sticks his head out the window waving the American flag and singing "God Bless America". Or maybe Dingle was just cheering Johnny on and I exaggerated a tad.

Meanwhile, everyone inside the bus is wondering what just hit the roof causing that thud sound. But before they can concern themselves with that it suddenly dawns on these seemingly unstoppable terrorists that they don't know the directions to the airport and so they threaten to kill their only hostage unless she navigates them. At this moment the terrorists officially eclipse the cops in the incompetence department.

The police have decided to tail them but that's all their doing. Johnny is on the roof of the speeding bus auditioning for the lead in TEEN WOLF 3. This finally becomes too much for the badly wounded Yassir leading to the old bit where they shoot up through the roof at the person on top. Johnny's manages to avoid this by climbing down the back of the bus. We're slowing drifting into Indiana Jones on the tank territory.

Then comes one of those moments that just defies basic human logic. As Johnny climbs down the back and under the bus, Yassir, who is standing in the middle of the aisle near the front of the bus, picks up the rocket launcher and fires at the closed back door. This should be the end of the movie right here; one final suicidal act that kills them all. Nope. All it does is blow off the back door and send a fireball and some black smoke shooting out the back and another explosion in the middle of the road. Still, that's enough to scare off the Indiana PD, the "P" clearly standing for "Pussies", as Chuck Connors once again throws his hands up to defend his face - at least this time the explosion is actually in front of him - before coming to a screeching halt. The police all come to a stop and just watch the bus, unscathed except for a missing back door, just drive on. And that is the last of Chuck Connors and the police we'll see in the movie too. They should all hang their heads in shame. The whole state of Indiana should hang its heads in shame.

Yassir succumbs to his crossbow wound and collapses. Something tells me the 72 virgins aren't going to be too impressed by a soldier for Allah that got offed by a nerd with a homemade crossbow. For his sake, I just hope they are turned on by massive arm hair.

Did I say the bus was unscathed? Well, not quite. It seems that explosion somehow affected time and space as we know it causing the full sized school bus to shrink into a much smaller school bus. We're going to need Stephen Hawking to explain this one to us. Or maybe it's just a case of the producers finding it cheaper to use a smaller school bus for all the stunt driving. I believe this smaller school bus is what a friend of mine back in high school referred to in a most politically incorrect manner as the "tard cart", as in the bus that picks up the Special Ed kids. Considering the fact the filmmakers expect us to not know that the bus is now half the size it once was I'm thinking the term "tard cart" is highly appropriate kid. See for yourselves.

HEY, DO YOU THINK ANYONE WILL NOTICE?

Did I mention that there's a train coming? Well, there is.

If you're wondering how Johnny survived this incident, he literally sidestepped the explosion, swinging around to the side and then slipping under the bus. As Johnny hangs onto the undercarriage we come to realize what movie Keanu Reeves studied before making SPEED. I don't know what he's planning to do. I somehow doubt even he knows what he's planning to do. Okay, Johnny's now coming up from the front of the bus. Johnny is hanging off the front of the bus. Gamal is mortified by this infidel's antics and begins swerving the bus to shake him off.

Johnny is still hanging on and still climbing up the front of the bus and there's still a train coming. Johnny prays to the metal gods to empower him with the strength of fifty men giving him the power to rip one of those mirrors off the front of the bus so he can use it as a club to shatter the windshield. We see the glass completely shatter followed by a shot of Gamal screaming followed by another shot of the partially shatter windshield. Huh? By this point in the shoot were they so strapped for cash that they had to let the continuity guy go?

Johnny falls off as the bus barrels around the corner - giving the world a great shot of the mini stunt bus - and heads out of control straight for the train currently passing by. Gamal is not driving anymore due to getting a face full of glass yet it somehow managed to turn the corner on it's own. Worst of all, somebody apparently parked a damn ramp in front of the train tracks causing the mini bus to jump into the air and crashing through some boxcars made of cheap timber that the train was hauling. After crashing through the bus travels a few more yards before the full sized bus suddenly reappears and flips onto its side.

I implore everyone reading this to seek out a copy of this movie if only for the events of the last 5 minutes. Believe me, its well worth it.

Inside the wrecked bus, Gamal isn't moving, and Jennifer, the innocent hostage whose life Johnny seemed willing to sacrifice seconds earlier despite having a crush on her, is only slightly groggy with a small cut on her forehead. Gamal wakes up and now he's gone full on psycho. He looks like Pinhead from the HELLRAISER movies only with little shards of glass in face. But it's Johnny Dillon to the rescue again! I just hope he doesn't punch him in the face or he might cut his hand up real bad. Even badly injured with a face full of glass he can still stomp a mud hole in Johnny and walk it dry. Just as he whips out a hand grenade - considering what happened with the rocket launcher it'll only blow out some windows - and prepares to do some homicide bombing. Jennifer proves herself to be the Average Girl That Knows How To Use An Uzi and down goes Glassface. He did manage to pull the pin before being shot but fortunately it was one of those extended delayed reaction grenades that don't go off until the good guys are out of harm's way no matter how long that may take. In this case it took about 30 seconds before detonating, which was plenty of time for them to escape the bus wreckage.

KABOOM!

Johnny and Jennifer sit in the field many yards away and plan out their first date as they watch the flaming school bus. Hmmm… Where could they go? Gus's funeral? The Jock's funeral? Mr. Nero's funeral? The Cheerleader's civil commitment hearing? A joint appearance on Donahue? A private meeting with President Reagan? Libya? A Chuck Connors hosted screening of HIGH DESERT KILL? So many options to consider. We'll never know because that's all folks. It's over. The film jumps awkwardly right to the closing credits with that wonderful Cassio keyboard music. Personally, I think the perfect final shot would have been the FBI driving up to the scene but that's just me and I had no say.

TERROR SQUAD - a movie that screams low rent Golan-Globus, which is really saying something considering Golan-Globus was pretty low rent to begin with. Nonetheless, if you're looking for some pure Reagan Era action cheesiness then you'll be hard pressed to find a more entertaining entry than this. So seek it out!

In the meantime, stay vigil America. Don't let the terrorist win. Go back to work! Go back to shopping at the mall! Go back to volunteering at the old folk's home! Go back to downloading porn on the net! Go back to sending boycotting celebrities that bad mouth President Bush! Go back to your normal daily lives! Me, I'm going back to work on the script for a new Peanuts movie where the gang is taken hostage in Saudi Arabia. I call it YOU'LL DIE AN INFIDEL, CHARLIE BROWN.

In Memory of The Jock
Class of '87
Wildcats Rule!

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY & I PAID TO SEE BULLETPROOF