MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE HARD RAIN

We Interrupt your reguarly schedule Foyeurism for this severe weather bulletin....

TORNADO WARNING

Why the hell you should give a rat's ass about another cheap Sci-Fi Channel disaster movie, this time about about tornadoes. Well, just follow me on this one for a moment. Let me start you off with the synopsis copied directly from the back of the DVD box.

"Haunted by the death of his younger brother who was killed by a tornado years earlier, Josh Barnaby finds himself tracking the deadly storms in open prairies of the Midwest...this time as a photographer. Josh flirts dangerously close to the elements as the reek havoc and leave total destruction in their path. He hooks up with Nickie Flynt, a reporter researching tornado warning technology. He soon finds that she has another agenda as a group of terrorists is also following her. When the ultimate tornado, a category F5, is directly in their path, he rages against fate and nature as the mega-storm obliterates everything and this mother of all storms threatens to take away everything he holds dear..."

Now let me show you another plot synopsis for the film I've come across online.

"A photographer teams up with his ex-wife to track a series of devastating tornadoes that will test their limits as they rush to save lives and rekindle their past love."

Now here's the simple description for the film that you'll on the Sci-Fi Channel's own website.

"A reporter risks his life to track a mile-wide tornado as it tears across the Mid-West."

Okay, there we have three different plot descriptions for the same movie and none of them describes the actual plot of the film. Either somebody on the distribution side is being fed the wrong information by those involved on the production end or maybe - just maybe, they're afraid they'll get laughed at if they tell the world they're releasing a movie about a news cameraman sent on assignment to Romania where he learns that he is a predestined savior that must stop a devil cult from conjuring a satanic super tornado designed to rid the world of gypsies. You think I'm making this up?

Satan stencils on his eyebrows. Who knew?

When I sat down to watch the screener for NATURE UNLEASHED: TORNADO (or TORNADO: NATURE UNLEASHED as the Sci-Fi Channel is calling it) I was expecting the movie to be along the lines of the synopsis on the back of the box. You can imagine my shock and giddy surprise when they suddenly ended up in Bucharest dealing with gypsy legends, a satanic cult, and hell-spawned tornadoes. I cannot tell you the last time I've laughed so hard at a film. If you're wondering why the hell you should give a crap about a low budget tornado movie set to premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel in a few weeks then let me just hit you with nine words - world's first Romanian devil cult gypsy apocalypse tornado flick!

The people that came up with the plot for this film are either totally insane or a geniuses for our times. Who could come up with such a patently absurd concept and actually get it filmed? Oh, that's right. It's a Nu Image production. God bless you, Avi Lerner!

The absurdity kicks off with a prologue set in 1974 Texas where we meet our lead character Josh as a child. More importantly, we get to meet his nutjob father, the world's laziest tornado chaser. The movie gives you the impression he prefers that the tornados come to him rather than vice versa. With a massive twister heading in the general vicinity of their farm, dad orders the family into the storm shelter, grabs his trusty camera, chains himself to a tractor, and proceeds to film the rapidly approaching tornado. But before running out to do so, he presents young Josh with the strange looking necklace he'd been wearing and asks him to take care of mom, thus indicating that this wacko really is intent on killing himself just to get some tornado footage. Sure enough, dad gets sucked in and for a few brief seconds we see him flying around inside the tornado like Bruce Campbell getting sucked into the time vortex at the beginning of ARMY OF DARKNESS. No clue why Josh was spared seeing as how he was only a few feet away from the oncoming tornado.

Auditions for the EVIL DEAD remake will be held from 9 am through 5 pm at...

It's up to modern times where Josh is all grown up and working as a news cameraman. Josh is now played by Daniel Bernhardt, the Swiss answer to Jean Claude Van Damme. Bernhardt's most notable role was as the Agent that fought Morpheus on top of the truck during the MATRIX: RELOADED freeway chase. Prior to that, his credits included junk like BLOODSPORT 2-4, co-starring on that Mortal Kombat TV show, and appearing in the modern bad movie classic FUTURE WAR, which was, for those that have never seen it, the harrowing tale of a humanoid escapee from an intergalactic slave race that comes to our planet seeking shelter in an inner city halfway house run by an ex-junkie hooker turned nun in training only to be pursued by a chubby Borg and his tracking raptors that looked suspiciously like leftover dino props from the CARNOSAUR films. The movie was immortalized on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and if you haven't seen it in either form then you owe it to yourself to do so. It would make a great double feature with this cheesefest.

NOW THAT'S CONSTIPATION!

Josh's boss wants to send him on assignment to Bucharest to cover this world conference of gypsy leaders. For those unaware, gypsies are one of the most maligned races in all of Europe. This gathering of gypsy leaders is sold in the movie as being designed to help put an end to the hatred and misconceptions many Europeans have of gypsies. Hearing a character decrying the stereotyping of gypsies struck me as especially laughable when you consider that the makers of this movie have every single gypsy character dressed up like fortunetellers, aging hippies, and Mexican banditos.

"Attention! Attention! Ladies and gentlemen, attention! There is a herd of killer rabbits headed this way, and we desperately need your help!"

Anyway, Josh doesn't want to go but the boss insists because Josh is of Romanian heritage. You see Josh's father was a Romanian immigrant, which, of course, explains why his dad spoke with a thick southern accent in the opening prologue.

After some petty bickering, Josh eventually relents and he's off to Bucharest to get partnered up with a snotty female reporter whose life dream is to work for 60 Minutes. I've no clue what purpose her character is supposed to serve because she contributes zero to the plot. She isn't even the love interest. The character appears to exist solely because it wouldn't make much sense to just send a camera guy on this assignment without a reporter to do the mouth work.

Their first stop in getting the story is a trip to the Ewok village, I mean gypsy village, where a very Endor-esque celebration is in progress for no particular reason other than gypsies love putting on jamborees. The hottest gypsy babe pulls Josh aside and takes him into her trailer for a little Lon Talbot-style fortune telling. She freaks out the moment she spots that necklace his father gave him because she claims it's an ancient gypsy relic given to the gypsy kings centuries ago by the angel Gabriel that should only be worn by the chosen one who will "stand up to the wind" and protect the gypsy people from an unholy super tornado called the Meta Tempesta.

Which book of the Bible is that mentioned in again? Someone get Jack Van Impe on the phone, pronto!

That Meta Tempesta is what the movie is really all about. Forget the NATURE UNLEASHED: TORNADO title because none of the tornadoes in this flick are of natural origin except for the one that killed his dad in the prologue. A better title would have been DEVIL WINDS. Unfortunately, that title was already taken by another tornado flick from last year that featured Dr. Quinn's Joe Lando trying to save his scientist daughter and civilization as a whole from an F5 tornado heading directly for a Center For Disease Control laboratory, and as a result, could potentially spread deadly, contagious pathogens for miles, possibly unleashing widespread epidemics. Between the tornado and the pathogens, that sounds more like a movie warranting the "Nature Unleashed" moniker. DEVIL WINDS just doesn't suit a film about people scrambling to secure vials and beakers in a vault before a twister hits.

Anyway, according to gypsy legend, part of Europe was devastated centuries ago by this satanic super tornado meant to cleanse the world of gypsies. It came to be known as the Meta Tempesta. It just so happens that a book heralding this improbable gypsy legend as scientific fact was co-written by Josh's dad. We're supposed to believe the man was a brilliant climatologist that was shunned by his peers because the pointy-headed know-it-alls rejected some of his more outlandish theories. I'm guessing those outlandish theories included believing in meteorological events of demonic origin and chaining oneself to farm equipment in order to film an approaching tornado. In the legend, a lone savior somehow stopped the original Meta Tempesta - no explanation ever given as to how he accomplished this - and it has been prophesized that a new savior will emerge to somehow stop it the next go around. That someone will be wearing the talisman around Josh's neck. Naturally, the signs are all pointing to coming of another Meta Tempesta courtesy a cult of gypsy hating Satanists and their mysterious leader known only as Ahriman.

Pamplona, Spain's annual "Running of the F5's"

It doesn't take long for the frightened yet sexy gypsy babe to convince Josh that all of this is for real. This leads to him spending the rest of the film on a quest to uncover the truth about Meta Tempesta, the identity of Ahriman, and how he can prevent another gypsy slaying cyclonic holocaust from occurring.

Along the way we will get to witness yet more unintended hilarious moments of zen such as:

Josh and the reporter are out filming when a tornado appears from out of nowhere. Josh, panicking because he isn't wearing his magical protective necklace at the time, repeatedly yells, "We're screwed without my talisman!" They try to escape by hopping in their car and driving in the same direction as the tornado. The whole time he's driving and fumbling through the glove compartment still yelling, "Without my talisman, we're screwed!" The producers must not have had enough faith in their CGI tornado because they inserted actual stock footage of real tornadoes coming at them from every direction. Hey, this is a Nu Image production. If you've ever seen any of their SHARK ATTACK films then you already know how much they love stock footage. I wouldn't gave put it past them to have Josh look out the window and see a huge great white shark in the sky lunging for a piece of bait. Oh, and this whole tornado chase turns out to be a dream sequence.

Everyone loves comedy relief, right? If so, you'll just love a 10-minute stretch of film focusing on Josh's madcap encounters with wacky Romanians that speak badly broken English.

Just wait until you see those generic Satanists in action. Watch as this cliche-riddled devil cult wearing matching red robes that makes them look like they should be worshipping Little Red Riding Hood instead of Lucifer as they perform the most unimaginative black mass ceremonies that includes performing blood-letting rituals on an altar with "666" spray painted on it and randomly chanting gibberish while standing around their symbol, which looks like a cross between a swastika and The Glaive from KRULL. Every time you seen them bunched up together in their robes, see if you can resist uttering, "Gunter glieben glauchen globen".

The true identity of Ahriman is so obvious that the average Scooby Doo mystery seems Hitchcockian by comparison. What mystery? There's really only one person it could possibly be. The film doesn't offer any other possible alternative. Here's a hint: Interior Minister Palpatine. Just watch how flustered he gets the moment Josh brings up the name Ahriman to him. So much time and so many lives could have been spared if only anyone had noticed his satanic pinky ring.

So how do you find a satanic cult in Romania? Why you simply drive through the woods until you hear a loud chorus of sinister chanting. Then you pull over at the cultist crossing and wait for some fully robed disciples to come walking by so you can follow them to their secret meeting place. Simple, huh?

Josh goes to a rundown insane asylum to meet with Malik, the Romanian mathematician that his father co-wrote the Meta Tempesta book with. He checked himself into the nut house after completely going bonkers over the whole Meta Tempesta thing. Now he spends his days ranting and raving incoherently in broken English, scribbling equations on the walls of his cell, and keeping himself properly groomed just in case he ever gets a chance to audition for Moses in a stage production of THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. This Malik character looks, dresses, and acts like Rumplestiltskin on a bad acid trip. As soon as Josh begins asking him questions regarding a certain cult and their unholy wind vaccuum machine of the impure races, the cult instantly conjures up a tornado right outside the asylum that unleashes much comic hilarity (walls blown out like they're made of cardboard, people go flying in every direction, hypodermic needles turn doctors into pin cushions, etc.) topped off by the old man flying around inside the tornado in a manner not all that dissimilar to Jeff Bridges flying scene in THE BIG LEBOWSKI.

Look up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, It's Rasputin, the Mad Monk!

Josh gets a clue in the form a one-word name: "Thomas". Josh actually goes online, types the name into a search engine, and scrolls down the list going, "No, that's not it. No, that's not it either." I tried typing "Thomas" into Google myself and came up with 128,000,000 matches. Fortunately for Josh (And us too!), the female reporter wisely suggests they instead go see the hot gypsy babe and search for the name in her vast library of books containing gypsy lore. That female reporter somehow magically selects just the right book from the shelf and randomly flips the page to precisely the right one that reveals what "Thomas" signifies. This completely trumps the "this book looks old, maybe it can help us" scene from HOUSE OF THE DEAD.

It all comes down to the mind-blowing finale where the Meta Tempesta returns in the form of five computer generated, reddish/transluscent tornadoes that spark lightning bolts and randomly flash the demonic face of Leona Helmsley. Roofs get ripped off, ugly European cars go flying, and the three dozen gypsies that bothered to attend the conference run screaming like Japanese fleeing Godzilla. Just look how terrified those gypsies are.

"WE'RE TERRIFIED!!!"

And what the heck is that a picture of on that guy's shirt?

Amid the climactic mayhem, Josh and Ahriman duke it out like two mimes doing that walking against the wind routine. I won't describe what happens next because I can't. I know Josh and Ahriman end up flying around and... Well... Uh...

Can you imagine what NATURE UNLEASHED: WHIRLPOOL would be like?

It makes no sense. Josh declares, "It's over," and I respond, "It is? What the hell just happened? How did you...?" Maybe you'll be able to figure out exactly what happened and how he saved the world because I know it left me stumped. Even the very last shot of the movie manages to be laughably incomprehensible when considering how the scene prior to it wraps up.

Like I said eariler, this movie is either a work of madness or a work of genius. Makes me think I might one day be able to get my idea for a supernatural disaster film made. You see this cursed relic belonging to a South American tribe is brought to the United States to be put on display in a museum, but because it it cursed it keeps causing freak weather to occur. Specifically, it begins raining frogs. Not just any frogs, mind you. It'll be raining deadly South American Poison Arrow Frogs, a frog with skin so toxic simple contact with it can kill. Think about it. You can have a disaster movie, a supernatural horror film, and a nature gone amok movie all at the same time. Somebody get Avi Lerner on the phone. It's time for them to make NATURE UNLEASHED: FROG FALL (Alternate DVD Title: THE SKY IS HOPPING).

In the meantime, you can see NATURE UNLEASHED: TORNADO, excuse me, I mean TORNADO: NATURE UNLEASHED in all its cornball glory when it airs on the Sci-Fi Channel Saturday, June 25th at 9 PM EST. The Sci-Fi Channel usually repeats their premiere movies again that evening and later in the week but this one is only getting a single airing. Whenever the Sci-Fi Channel does that it pretty much means that even they're embarrassed to be airing it. SKELETON MAN anyone?

Don't worry if you miss it because the DVD hits store shelves on July 19th under the shortened title of TORNADO. Damn this movie needs a snappier title. I assume they'll also have a more accurate synopsis on the back of the box by then. If they're really smart they'll label it as a comedy. I might as well have been huffing the Joker's Smile-X gas for 90 minutes because this flick is an F5 on the Fujita Scale of unintentional comedy.

This has been a special weather alert. We now return you to your reguarly scheduled program already in progress....

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE BLOWN AWAY