MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE ANACONDA

I can tell you right now, whatever the subject is of my next Foyeurism I vow to make it of something worthwhile. The subject of this month's Foyeurism is a film I viewed during a recent three week period from hell where I was massively overworked, suffering from a combination flu/sinus infection, and just feeling generally burned out. I didn't need to see a movie this excruciatingly bad. Time to vent.

DEVIL SNAKE ANTI-VENOM

Today's candidate for the worst movie ever made is a recent Thailand abomination called DEVIL SPECIES, or PHANTUGRAM AMMAHIT in its native tongue, not that it matters. Shit by any other name... I do believe the sole purpose for this movie existing is to try and undo all the respect and recognition that Asian horror films have gotten in recent years. I can safely say that this is one Asian horror flick that is not going to get a Hollywood remake. Heck, if it even gets a legitimate domestic release in this country I'll be dumbfounded. The company that does so would have to be run by madmen or sadists and have an unbridled hatred for their viewing audience.

You know a movie is truly awful when the box art is the highlight of the film.

Most current horror movies from Asia strive to achieve a surreal quality. This movie substitutes surreal with vagueness. Try to imagine if someone wrote a one-page synopsis for a movie and then filmed that as the shooting script with the dialogue and plot specifics seemingly made up on the spot. DEVIL SPECIES feels like that. The movie does have something resembling a narrative but since the specifics of the scenario are left mostly unexplained it all feels like things are just happening without a set-up or an explanation. It's really hard to explain this without one actually seeing the movie for themselves - something I wouldn't recommend even for bad movie enthusiasts like myself, the crucial details that make movie plots compelling not to mention coherent aren't there. The viewer is left out in the cold while we're left to try and figure who's who and what's what.

If that wasn't bad enough, we also have to sift through an endless supply of short scenes that serve little or no purpose and other quick shots that look to have been edited in at random. As for character development, well, a few of the characters have names? Does that count?

All sarcasm aside, if someone ever taught a film class on how not to make a movie then DEVIL SPECIES would be required viewing. One could do a master's thesis on it.

The pre-title sequence has something to do with a group of young, good-looking Australian tourists and their scientist friends out in the woods somewhere. We'll find out much, much, much later in the movie that this prologue occurs in Indonesia. See what I mean about vagueness and missing plot details? Anyway, they are developing some sort of snake venom serum. Mere moments later, one unlucky female gets bit by a very rare and very dangerous "Devil Snake", and so they promptly inject her with the experimental serum. The fact that this serum is a neon green liquid is a surefire sign that things will soon culminate in carnage. Sure enough, she turns into a glowy red-eyed, snake-fanged zombie creature that proceeds to kill off her friends by sneaking up on them and trying to deep throat the camera lens.

This is why Uwe Boll should never direct interactive porn!

Footage of this carnage was captured on camera and the hand of an unidentified person is shown picking up the digital camera from the hand of one of the deceased. This opening prologue is the closest the film ever comes to being relatively coherent, which is really saying something since it didn't make a whole lot of sense.

For the sake of time and my own personal well being I'll just go ahead and tell you that from here on out the film has something to do with Thai scientists studying deadly Indonesian snakes in order to develop a new and improved anti-venom. Our main characters are Dr. Diana & her scientist daddy, his colleague Uncle Hem, and her fiancé Alex. Just about everything from here on out takes place at this institute that appears to be part of a college since later on some student scientists mumble something about going to their dorms. Aside from the mutated killer monster aspect, this information makes up about 95% of what passes for a plot and character development.

Following the opening credits, there's a press conference touting a new Indonesian snake anti-venom. I know poisonous snakes in Southeast Asia are a major concern but would this really get that much press attention over there? All throughout the movie these scientists will be talking about it being tested in Sweden or some other Scandinavian country leading me to wonder why they are having a press conference touting their new anti-venom if they have yet to even run clinical trials yet.

The next 20 minutes of the movie consists of the following: sparse dialogue, zero character development, roughly two minutes worth of plot advancement, an extended scene of Diana driving home with Alex, and lots of people walking around the institute casually, going about their daily routine, and have menial exchanges with one another about nothing that contributes much of anything to the storyline.

Professor Daddy receives a rare Indonesian Devil Snake, apparently sent to him by one of the scientists from the opening sequence although I'm not sure how since it appeared the Devil Snake Lady killed them all. This must mean he was the hand that picked up the camera since that video footage turns up in his lab later in the movie. Again, this is all guesswork because as I have already stated and will most assuredly do so many more times before the article is finished, specific details do not exist in this film. One specific detail I would have loved is an explanation as to what the hell was the deal with that rotting human corpse looking thing inside the large glowing red liquid fish tank. If they ever explained it then I didn't catch it.

I could list for you all the questions the first act alone leaves you wondering but I'm not in the mood to write a 30-page article.

The Devil Snake (Is this even a real snake or just one made up for the film?) promptly spits lethal venom in his face and for about the next five minutes we get to watch him stumble about reacting to the venom while trying to wipe his face off before finally breaking down and injecting himself with the Re-Animator serum. Instantly, and I do mean like the very second he injects himself with the stuff, he shows off his glowing red eyes and snake fangs. Thankfully, he does not attempt to deep throat the camera.

Professor Daddy quickly upgrades to Professor Middle Stage Metamorphosis Paper Mache Snake Face Daddy, sporting a very amateurish make-up job on his face designed to give you impression he is beginning to develop scales. Uncle Hem enters the room right on cue, reacts in horror, and is promptly killed.

It isn't too much longer and Professor Middle Stage Metamorphosis Paper Mache Snake Face Daddy completes his transformation from cheap paper mache to still not all that expensive looking rubber mask and officially becomes Professor Devil Snake Daddy. He's now running around with a full head rubber snake mask with moveable fangs and eyebrows. The director is so proud of this mask that he constantly shows us close-ups of the articulated parts in action. I do mean constantly. The movie will practically come to a halt to show us a drawn out close-up of the fangs or brow moving even if it is in the middle of an attack scene. I don't know why he's so damn proud of the mask. It isn't terrible but it also isn't a make-up job that would be considered impressive these days. Maybe if this had been done back in 1980.

Tonight on VH1 - Cobra Commander: Behind The Mask

No sooner does he undergo his metamorphosis then his daughter Diana wakes up from a bad dream in a cold sweat, knowing full well that something bad is happening back at the institute, and gets no answer when she tries calling him. She insists Alex drive her back to the institute to check on her daddy, annoying Alex. Come to think of it, Alex has appeared to be either sulking or annoyed in practically every scene he has appeared in. Part of me suspects the actor just wasn't happy about being in this film.

Sulking and annoyed pretty much described my mood watching much of this movie too.

They drive back to the institute in a scene on monumentally inept sound editing. The dialogue is nearly completely drowned out by the sound of the car driving down the road. Thank goodness for subtitles because he actually says, "So I will drive a car to meet your father immediately if it will make you happy." What?!?! Who the hell talks like that? I know the subtitles weren't perfectly translated but I cannot possibly imagine any translation that will make that line sound like something a person would actually say. He tells us what he is doing, where they are going, and why all in one fell swoop despite the fact that we already know what, where, and why.

Good God!

There were numerous instances where I could have just stopped the movie and found something better to do with my life, like scrub the toilet or clip my toenails, but part of me was actually curious to see where it was all going (aside from the obvious car trip to the institute to meet her father) and held out hope that something cool might actually happen. At the very least, I held out hope for something astoundingly bad but in a good way would occur in order to justify the film's right to exist and my wasting 90 minutes of my life watching it. No such luck. In retrospect, I question my own sanity for even sitting through this one until the end. If DEVIL SPECIES aired on Mystery Science Theater 3000 they'd commit mass suicide halfway into the film.

So anyway, Professor Devil Snake Daddy starts roaming around the halls of this institute unnoticed, mostly likely due to the student/faculty constantly appearing and disappearing whenever convenient. One moment we see others in the facility and then suddenly the place looks to be practically deserted. They must be conducting some sort of Philadelphia Experiment at this place too because the extras seem to keep phasing in and out of existence.

A pair of female student scientists fall victim. All the kills more or less follow the same formula: he sneaks up on someone, reveals his fangs while hissing at them, needless close-up of the articulated parts of the mask moving, other random insert shots, the victim screams, his head plunges towards them, and someone off-camera begins squirting raspberry jam all over the upholstery.

Hey, remember Uncle Hem? He's dead right? Wrong! It appeared he had been killed but it turns he is very much alive. But he's no longer the kindly Uncle Hem we all didn't know or love. Nope, he suddenly starts cleaning up the carnage so as to cover up the truth and in a few minutes he even lures a couple of victims into a trap to feed his master.

There is never even a hint of an explanation as to how or why he is now behaving like Renfield to Dracula. The details about Devil Snake mind control is just another casualty of this screenplay's vagueness. Hell, they never even bother to try and explain whether or not this Devil Snake has some sort of supernatural power or if the mutation is occurring because of the guaranteed not to get approved by the FDA anti-venom serum.

Oh, did I say feed his master? My bad. With no explanation whatsoever, there's suddenly a female Devil Snakewoman like the one from the prologue lurking in a room that Uncle Hem tricks a few more students into entering. He locks them in and you can guess what happens next. I have no idea who this female is that is now sporting red eyes and fangs. It appears to be one of the students but damned if I could tell you which. I don't mean that in an all Asians look the same sort of way. I mean that these indistinguishable female lab workers were all roughly the same age, same height, had the same physical features including matching hair styles, and all were dressed in identical lab coats. Only reason Diana stands out is because she's dressed casually. Even worse, this secondary monster subplot is never brought up again. Yep, no clue who she was, how she became one of the creatures, and I don't recall a follow-up explaining what became of her. If someone killed her it must have happened in a blink and you miss it moment that I blinked through.

It seems Devil Snakewomen just turn into a more vampire-like version whereas Devil Snakemen end up looking like a homemade V alien. And since a truly bad monster movie isn't truly awful unless it finds someway to rip-off ALIEN, it turns out he also has a tongue-like appendage in his mouth that's actually another snake. No explanation as to why or even as to what benefit this provides other than to give the director another animatronic part of the mask to focus on ad nauseum.

It's like there's a Nu Image movie in my mouth and everyone's invited!

I neglected to mention that while all this has been going on, there is a raging thunderstorm outside. At least that's the impression we're given. Someone took the thunderclap track from a CD of scary Halloween sound effects and played it on a continuous loop while going absolutely nuts with a strobe light. I swear if you're epileptic this movie might induce some sort of seizure. It really is amazing how the flickering glow of lightning can illuminate a windowless room. This continuous thunderstorm is especially amusing because when we saw Diana and Alex driving back to the institute it was not only broad daylight but there isn't a sign of rain in the sky anywhere let alone a raging thunderstorm. Must be one of those plot convenient thunderstorms like the one that hovered over Jurgen Prochnow's boat in HOUSE OF THE DEAD?

Flickering lightning isn't the only optical trickery going on. They also went nuts with flashing neon red and blue-green lighting. They should have just put the snakeman in a Santa suit and made it into some sort of unholy Christmas rave slasher flick instead.

In the end, Alex shoots Uncle Hem, Professor Devil Snake Daddy mauls Alex to death, and the film suddenly has a change of heart and tries to inundate us with some long overdue plot details. The climactic showdown attempts to explain what the hell has been going on, or at least tries to piece a few things together in some desperate form of cohesion as Professor Devil Snake Daddy and daughter Diana have a stare down intercut a series of black and white flashback scenes. I won't bore you with the details. Trust me, it still explains zilch and only succeeds in recapping what little plot there has been thus far.

Professor Devil Snake Daddy suddenly comes down with a fatal case of S.O.P.E.S. (Sudden On-set Procrastination Enemy Syndrome); an unfortunate cinematic disease brought on by lazy filmmaking that plagues many motion picture villains, monsters, and maniacs. We're all familiar with movies where the monster/killer/bad guy could easily kill the hero or heroine but instead hesitates or just takes its sweet time doing so only for the potential victim to escape or kill it. I believe the best examples of S.O.P.E.S in action was at the end of HELLRAISER 3 when Pinhead draws a knife and takes about five minutes worth of baby steps towards the heroine giving her enough time to solve the puzzle box and use it against him. That's vintage S.O.P.E.S. In this case, Professor Devil Snake Daddy just stands there while his daughter has several minutes of flashbacks before she finally drops the lighter to set him on fire and eventually blow up the room. Don't worry about Diana. She survives by she running out the conveniently placed side door leading to the exterior of the facility. It still isn't raining outside.

DON'T JUST STAND THERE - KILL SOMETHING ALREADY!

Just when it seems as if this nightmare is over, we're strapped with an epilogue that makes even less sense than the rest of the movie. The problem here is the subtitles. They had been written in imperfect English up to now, but in this final scene the translations turn into complete gibberish. I know it isn't the fault of the filmmakers that the subtitles are almost completely incoherent but still, the translation of her soliloquy makes an Uwe Boll print interview look like Shakespearean prose. As best I can tell from what Diana tells us, six years have past and she has managed to keep everything that happened a secret somehow. Then she takes a bath, discovers snake scales forming on one of her arms, screams, the end.

Ugh.

Double ugh.

Double ugh times infinity.

Some bad movies are so bad they're good. Some bad movies are just plain bad. This is an example of a bad movie so bad it's worse. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about it. There's no discernable narrative, things just happen mostly at random, you are given virtually no clue what any of the motivations of the character's are, the pacing is incredibly tedious, and there is absolutely no entertainment value whatsoever, not even anything worth laughing at. I admit I was laughing a little by the end but only as a defense mechanism for the sake of my own sanity. Simply put, DEVIL SPECIES is intolerable and it damn near broke me. This really is one of the worst films I've ever subjected myself to and now the title DEVIL SPECIES can now takes its place in my vernacular alongside such films as S.I.C.K., BLOODTHIRST: LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRA, and CURSE OF BIGFOOT (You'll be hearing about this one from me soon!) as my measuring sticks for cinema at its most rancid. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. It's the fungus growing on the underside of the bottom of the barrel.

The director of this atrocity is a total hack (It's rare that I ever say that a director is a total hack with so much certainty but in this case I can say so with absolute certainty!) that goes by the moniker "Poom Opium", which is either an alias or nickname of some sort. I have no idea what "Poom Opium" is supposed to mean. Perhaps it's a nod to the amount of opium he consumed while making it or the amount one needs to intake in order to sit through it. Whatever the significance of the nickname is, not using his real name in the credits is probably the smartest decision he has ever made in his entire life. The smartest decision you will ever make in your life is not making the mistake I made and waste precious moments of your life watching it. I know sometimes you people read one of my really negative reviews and come away wanting to see the movie for yourself just to see if it really is that bad. Just take my word for it on this one and don't go looking for this film. You will regret it.

I swear Uwe Boll should get a DVD of DEVIL SPECIES and carry it on him at all times. Whenever someone makes a smart ass comment about him he can just whip it out, stick it in their face, and say to them, "Oh yeah? You think I'm a hack? Have you seen this movie? Who's the hack now, asshole? Call me a hack? Try sitting through this shit, bitch!"

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY & I PAID TO SEE ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID