Busy! Busy! Busy! That's what I've been lately. Between work, the college class I'm taking, writing for this site, Badmovies.net, Creature Corner, and the occasional Ain't It Cool News review I would definitely say I've been up to my eyeballs with work. Plus, we're on the verge of finalizing plans for this year's Schlocktoberfest. Yes, we are coming back and we'll be making the official announcement within the next 30 days. Let's just say you can go ahead and mark October 2nd, 2004 on your calendars. If you thought SCHLOCK & AWE was something then just wait until you experience... Well, you're just going have to wait a bit longer to find out. One other piece of business that needs to be dealt with is announcing the winner of the Summer Movie Quiz Part 2 (located in the GAMES section) contest. Yeah, remember that? I ended up extending the contest until January because, well, so few people bothered to enter. However, one of the few that did is a reader named Jesse Whitehead, who not only came up with the best one but even managed to make reference to my infamous quote back in my BENEATH LOCH NESS review referring to Julia Roberts as "Queen Julia, the Horse-Faced". Here it is.

This picture is...
A. A still from "Seabiscuit."
B. Jeff Bridges in an upcoming sequel to "The Big Lebowski."
C. Jeff Bridges wooing Julia Roberts.

There you have it. For winning, Jesse Whitehead has a DVD of THE PHANTOM FROM 10,000 LEAGUES heading his way. Look for the 2004 Summer Movie Quiz in just a few months.

DUDE, I AM MY CAR!

The 80's were a great time to watch Saturday morning cartoons, especially if you tuned into ABC's line-up. Boy, did they broadcast some crap. Oh, what glorious crap. Remember the animated Pac-Man series? How about the cartoon based on the video game Dragon's Lair? We even got an animated Mork & Mindy, Laverne & Shirley, and Fonzie himself had his own toon. They all ran together as one seemless block of crap. Leading the charge in producing much of the animated glorious crap of the 70s and 80s was a company called Ruby-Spears Productions. Other Ruby-Spears cartoons you may recall include horrors like the Harlem Globetrotters cartoon where the magicians of basketball gained superpowers. Or how about Jabberjaw, a walking shark that spoke like Curly of the Three Stooges and played drums in a crappy 70's band that drove around a futuristic undersea city thwarting evildoers. These were even the people that came up with the idea of basing a cartoon around Mr. T. Correction; these were the people that came up with the idea of basing a cartoon around Mr. T that involved him driving around the country in a bus full of teenage gymnasts. A bus full of teenage gymnasts that always ended up in trouble somehow before inevitably defeating the criminals through a combination of gymkata and two-fisted Mr. T-style butt whoopin'. Yep, gotta love those Ruby-Spears folks. They were either very imaginative people or heavy drug users. Either way, God bless them.

Sadly, much of that cartoon magic is missing today. The kids don't get mohawked pop culture icons kicking ass with a busload of growth stunted acrobats or walking, talking, drum playing, crime solving, Nyuk-Nyuk-Nyuk'ing sharks. Nope, they get mind numbing crap like Pokemon, a show clearly spawned by paranoid schizophrenic Japanese role-playing game creators that suffer from a severe case of ADD. Even worse, there's Yu-Gi-Oh. I would have never had to endure this program if not for my nephew spending the night and forcing me to watch it one morning. I immediately disowned him afterwards. If you've never experienced the mind melting craptitude that is your average episode of Yu-Gi-Oh then let me give you a dramatic demonstration. There's less than five minutes of plot setting up two characters, one good and the other evil, to play this card game with the cards coming to life on the magical game board before them. Other characters usually cheer or gasp from the sidelines. Plus, the show is basically the greatest scam ever. They complained about cartoons in the 80's basically being 30-minute commercials. Well here comes a show that takes it to the next level. The whole point of the show is to sell the card game and the show is set up in a way that the character are always playing out the card game and in the process teaching the kids at home how to play it. It's like Magic: The Gathering spliced with Pokemon spliced with Dragonball Z as conceived by satanic crack addicts. Your typical episode consists of dialogue exchanges like this:

Character #1: Ha! Ha! I'll play my Devil Zebra card! Devil Zebra causes each of your other cards to lose 25 points every turn as long as Devil Zebra is in play!

Character #2: (internal thoughts) Oh no, he played his Devil Zebra card. I didn't expect him to play that card this soon. (out loud) Oh yeah, well I'll counter your Devil Zebra card with my Axis of Wilted Tomatoes card!

Character #1: WHAT!?!? (internal thoughts) That Axis of Wilted Tomatoes card will neutralize my Devil Zebra and cost me an additional 30 points every round for as long as it is in play. (out loud) Ah ha! I was hoping you'd use your Axis of Wilted Tomatoes card and have prepared a little surprise for you! What are you going to do when I play my Flaming Ninja Hot Dog Vendor card? It protects my Devil Zebra from your Wilted Tomatoes and gives me an extra 50 points every time you try to attack me! You're running out of cards, my friend! What are you going to do now? Ha! Ha! Ha!

Character #2: (internal thoughts) Flaming Ninja Hot Dog Vendor! I didn't see that coming! ***stares in shocked disbelief***

Sidelines Character: ***gasping sound*** (internal thoughts) Oh no! Character #2 wasn't prepared for that and he's running out of cards. I still have faith in you though. (out loud) You can do it, Character #2!

Character #2: (out loud) I knew you'd play your Flaming Ninja Hot Dog Vendor card eventually! I've been setting a trap for you the whole time and now it's time to unveil my ultimate surprise - the Naked Kathy Bates of Eternal Suffering card! Now you have no choice but to…

After about 20 minute of this I was about ready to get a running start and ram my head through the television set. To call this show mind numbing is like saying receiving a colonoscopy from Edward Scissorhands would be slightly uncomfortable. This cartoon redefines the concept of mental anguish. The ultimate irony is that I asked my nephew to explain the concept of the show. He couldn't do it. Then I asked him to explain how the card game is played, which he does play, but he couldn't but told me I should ask him again after Christmas because he'll be getting an instructional video on the secrets of winning at Yu-Gi-Oh. This show has some strange grip on the boy that defies understanding. Or maybe he's an idiot. Either way, I hate Yu-Gi-Oh!

But now I've gone and gotten completely off subject.

As audacious as many of those Ruby-Spears cartoon concepts were none of them could hold a candle to one show in particular. This is a show that I had long since forgotten about watching when I was a kid. That was until someone reminded me of it at work last December. His mentioning of this show suddenly opened up the floodgates of a very short lived 1983 Saturday morning cartoon that even as a wee lad I know was one of the stupidest things I'd ever watched. I had to find an episode of this show. I came to discover that the show already had a small cult following but it was still so obscure even finding a bootleg of the show was virtually impossible. Finally, I found a guy who had an episode of it on tape, albeit and a tape of an episode that was down more generation than the inbred hillbilly killers from WRONG TURN. That would make it hard to get stills from the tape for this column but it was at least watchable.

Ladies and gentlemen, for those that had forgotten and those that never knew, I proudly present to you…

TURBO TEEN is the story of Brett Matthews, just your average everyday teenage driving around in a $50,000 state-of-the-art sports car. That was until he wrecked his car through the wall of some research lab and got zapped by some funky laser beam. Now he and his car are one. Now whenever Brett's body temperature rises he transforms into his sleek red Camaro. Along with his best friends, Brett uses his new automotive morphing superpowers to fight crime while desperately trying to avoid driving into swimming pools. Think of it as Speed Racer meets Manimal!

In the annals of cartoon history, the concept behind this one remains one of the most audacious ever!

Brett transforms into his car whenever his body temperature rises. Unfortunately for Brett, this mechanism that causes his transformations appears to have an inconsistent hair trigger that he has virtually no control over. It seems to be less a matter of body temperature rising and more a matter of coming into contact with anything remotely hot or just really warm. During the program's brief run some of the things that would cause Brett to turn into Turbo Teen included eating a hotdog, eating hot peppers, pouring hot syrup on him, holding a hot burrito, and getting kissed by a pretty girl.

It's nice that Brett has found a positive outlet for his superpowers because in reality this should completely ruin his life. No hot meals. No hot showers. No exercising. Never being able to visit any hot locales in human form. And don't even think about sex. If he were on top then the poor girl would get crushed to death. Girls like to have sex in the backseat, not under it. If they do it doggystyle then, well, let's just say the word "tailpipe" would take on a whole new meaning! Hell, "auto eroticism" would take on a whole new meaning. And I wonder if the stick shift in the car is actually… EEK! Forget I brought that up.

This really was a cartoon that managed to raise far more questions than it was ever possibly willing or able to answer. Compounding this is the fact that it always seemed to be changing the rules by coming up with more and more outlandish ways for Brett to transform to and back from his car.

And how fortunate was it for Brett Matthews to be driving a brand new, cherry red Camaro at the time of his accident? How lucky was this little snot? Most teenagers end up driving some used Toyota or their parent's old Pontiac yet this kid had a snazzy new sports car. Of course, that begs the question, what the hell is this kid doing driving a brand new snazzy red sports car? I don't think they ever actually answered that question. Now if he transformed into a Yugo or one of those three-wheeled European cars that Mr. Bean was always running off the road then that would have made for one hell of a show.

Enough babbling! Let's meet our primary characters.

BRETT MATTHEWS/TURBO TEEN - I can't decide if the kid is a dead ringer for the animated Michael J. Fox from the cartoon version of TEEN WOLF or if he's a dead ringer for Stormy from Sealab 2021, albeit dressed like the animated Michael J. Fox from the cartoon version of TEEN WOLF. Either way he has that generic 80's teen heartthrob look to him. Even his name screams 1980's. Brett also never seems to change his clothes so he's permanently adorned in this red shirt jacket and white pants combo. I can't help but to wonder if he took his shirt off would his car form no longer have a hood or if he put on a different color shirt would it change the car's color. This whole scenario just keeps raising more and more questions. Brett Matthews has an annoying habit of trying to make clever quips while in car form. He always says them with a tone of forced enthusiasm and its no wonder why seeing as how they are incredibly inane even by Saturday morning cartoon standards. His shtick is so lame it makes K.I.T.T.'s one liners look positively droll.

ALEX - Brett's best friend who looks disturbingly like a young animated Byron Allen. Even in a cartoon no one should ever have to go through life resembling Byron Allen. Alex is black therefore by the laws of the entertainment industry he must constantly make annoying unfunny wisecracks. He falls just short of achieving a Marlon Wayans level of annoyance but not for a lack of trying. He's even unfunnier than Byron Allen and that's saying something.

PATTIE - Brett's seemingly platonic female companion. I understand that in a later episode of the show she gave Brett a kiss so that it would get him all hot and bothered so he could transform into Turbo Teen. It worked so there goes my theory about Brett and Alex and the stick shift. Other than that they seem to be just friends. Apparently she's the Daphne of the group although she has flaxen hair instead of red and doesn't appear to be nearly as bright as Daphne was. She also has all the personality of a sleeping goldfish. When two charisma vacuums like Brett and Alex outshine you then you know you're just a few steps away from being walking plywood.

RUSTY - For some reason most cartoon shows of the 80's were required to have a pet dog whether they need one or not. Even The Smurfs were saddled with a dog later on in the show's run. There's no logical reason for having a dog in this show especially one that adds so little to the situation as to basically come across as little more than a prop. Rusty is big white sheepdog. Between Rusty and Pattie that gives the show two blondes that serve no real purpose. If nothing else at least the dog doesn't talk.

Okay, you've met the characters so now let's take a closer look at an episode of TURBO TEEN. This one is called "Daredevil Run" and it mimics the plot of the Clint Eastwood/Sondra Locke thriller THE GAUNTLET. That film was about transporting an important witness in a trial across several states while being targeted by henchmen working for the powerful criminal she planned to testify against. The same plot is recycled here only Turbo Teen and friends are transporting the witness to New York City using this cross-country car race called the "Daredevil Run" as a cover. The witness in question is a young black woman named Paula and if they ever made an animated version of Good Times then she is the design they'd use for Jimmy Walker's sister. The episode opens at the racetrack serving as the starting point for the "Daredevil Run". Brett is already in Turbo Teen form as Alex and Pattie are introduced to Paula by a federal agent who explains the basic premise for the episode and in the process exposes Pattie for being the mental lightweight that she is.

FED: Paula is a government witness. She must be in New York by Thursday to testify against "The Dragon".

PATTIE: The Dragon? The international jewel thief?

FED: Paula can put him away for good but the Dragon has vowed to keep her out of the courtroom. He's got his men watching every airport, train station, and bus depot in town.

PATTIE: So the Daredevil Run is a cover?

FED: It's a route The Dragon won't suspect.

It may not come across in plain text but the astoundingly subpar voice work of Pattie uttering; "So the Daredevil Run is a cover?" makes her sound like a stunned child learning the truth about Santa Claus.

Despite the animated Lee Horsely look-a-like's assertion that The Dragon would never suspect the Daredevil Run being a cover, the Dragon's goons are watching the race from a distance seated inside a less-than-inconspicuous Rolls Royce. One goon looks like a bald Michael Jai White and the other just looks like every bald Caucasian hired thug you've even seen in a cartoon with a name like Moose or Rocko or Knuckles. This Rolls Royce they are seated in is equipped with a close circuit television, state of the art even for 2004 and this was back in 1983, so that The Dragon's head can pop on screen and bark orders at them. The Dragon himself is this pudgy little fellow who looks like he just walked straight out of either a 1930's noir film or a 1940's jungle movie. I can't decide which but he has that white suit/white hat combo going on that resembles the look of many a noir villain or the evil rich white whatever that lives out in the jungle or on some tropical island. If he'd just start fanning himself it would complete the look. He certainly doesn't look like anyone that should be called The Dragon. Well, maybe Puff, the Magic Dragon but then he isn't even remotely magical in any sense of the word. What the hell am I babbling about? The point is that nobody that has even a remote resemblance to Elton John should ever be called The Dragon.

If Turbo Teen had a coolant leak then would that mean that human Brett Matthews would start experiencing a major bladder problem? Would he have to where adult diapers? I don't know. Depends? Insert rimshot here.

We're off to the races as the gang is already riding inside of Turbo Teen. Why does that sound so dirty? It's a good thing Turbo Teen is a guy because if he was a she and had two girls, a guy, and a dog inside of her we'd all be calling her a slut. On second thought, making that analogy and knowing Turbo Teen is a guy makes it even more disturbing. I'm just going to stop thinking about this and move on.

After Brett speaks for the first time, Alex, who is behind the wheel even though Brett is really doing the driving, introduces Paula to his talking car Turbo Teen. That's a really stupid nickname for a car if you think about it. Fortunately Paula is dumber than Jessica Simpson at a MENSA convention and instantly buys into the notion of a talking car in 1983 without question. A wavy line on a small screen that moves whenever he speaks visualizes Brett's vocalization. That small screen appears to be where the stick shift should be. Hey, where is the stick shift? No way I'm going to buy that this thing is an automatic. Paula also doesn't find it unusual when Alex takes his eyes off the road, leans down, and speaks directly into this screen. No, nothing odd about that.

Even if they don't expect any trouble on this trip shouldn't they still put the top up? If you're transporting a federal witness who has been marked for death it probably isn't a good idea to go driving around in a convertible.

As they cross the state line into Arizona those henchmen in the Rolls Royce finally make their first move. The henchmen manage to run Turbo Teen off the road. Suddenly, with no explanation whatsoever, Turbo Teen opens up a rather large view screen from the dashboard that somehow shows them surveillance footage of the drivers of the Rolls Royce. Boy, this kid is tricked out with all the options! One of the goons has a dragon tattooed on his arm and they now know the Dragon's men are after them.

I just thought of something. Does the car have air conditioning and if so could that not turn him back into Brett? No wonder they keep the top down.

Since they are in Arizona they quickly happen upon an old abandoned deadwoods town that looks the same as it did back around 1860. Deserts and ghost towns, that's about all Arizona has in terms of scenery, right? So the Rolls Royce chases them into the ghost town and it quickly becomes apparent that the Dragon must have watched a lot of Speed Racer episodes because that Rolls Royce has rotating spikes that pop out of the hubcaps. They attempt to pop Turbo Teen's tires but what they don't realize is that Brett Matthews is the world's only existing automotive gymnast. Brett tells everyone to hold on as he suddenly puts on the breaks and does a perfect 25+ foot back flip. This is amazing for many reasons, not the least of which is that he's an open hooded car and nobody fell out. The dog is not wearing seatbelts. The dog should have fallen out, possibly to his death, during this back flip. Needless to say the henchmen are both impressed and frightened. The bad guys have a minor accident but are soon back after them. The Rolls Royce stops while partially sitting on this large teetering board. Turbo Teen enters into Dukes of Hazzard territory by hitting a conveniently placed ramp, soaring through the air, and landing on the other high end of the teetering board causing a catapult effect that sends the Rolls Royce flying through the air before crashing through the roof of a building. I'll buy that for a dollar!

Our heroes think this is the last of the Dragon's goons and continue forth in the Daredevil Run as they pass by a sign welcoming them to Nebraska. As they enter Cornhusker territory an ominous looking monster truck pull up on a hillside. This would be Turbo Teen's arch nemesis, Dark Rider. Who is Dark Rider? I have no idea. Why does Dark Rider drive around in a monster truck? I have no idea. Why is Dark Rider after Turbo Teen? I have no idea. All I know is that Dark Rider was always showing up to menace Turbo Teen at least once every episode and even they seemed to be completely clueless as to who Dark Rider was or why Dark Rider was always showing up once an episode to menace them. In a way he's sort of like the newspaper boy from BETTER OFF DEAD that was always chasing after John Cusak while yelling for "Two dollars!"

Hey, I just thought of another question. If Turbo Teen gets damaged then does that injury transfer to Brett when he turns back into a human? Say they did manage pop one of his tires, does that mean his human form would have stigmata on one of his hands or feet? Also, does his blood turn into gasoline? If so, if he ever found himself in a dire need of a blood transfusion couldn't they just heat him up so he turns into the car and then take him to a Texaco to fill up?

They pull up to a diner and the others go into eat leaving carboy to sit in the parking lot. Kind of gives new meaning to the phrase "go wait in the car". There are two little kids with squirt guns playing right next to him. Brett is apparently in the mood for some greasy down home Nebraska cooking and squirts one of the kids with windshield wiper fluid. The kids then turn around and squirt the car about 5 or 6 times and this is all it takes for Brett to turn back into Brett. The children are of course freaked out by this turn of events.

The rest of the gang (You know, the ones sitting out in the open in a roadside diner despite the fact that they are transporting a federal witness who has been marked for death and has already had one attempt made on her life in the trip already!) are eating when human form Brett strolls up to their table for a formal introduction. Paula doesn't think it is odd that a friend of Alex and Pattie just happened to track them down to this particular diner. Before anyone can enjoy a hearty meal in a greasy spoon or let Paula ask any more questions about this Brett guy that just walked up to them, the Rolls Royce pulls up to the diner. As the goons enter the diner the Turbo Teen gang steals a page from Scooby & Shaggy and escape by hiding under their table concealed by the long tablecloth and walk out of the diner table and all behind the bad guys' backs. Yes, four people and a great big sheepdog were all hiding under one tiny table. You gotta love how they all climbed out from under the table right in front of the diner in full sight of everyone inside, namely the bad guys they were just trying to ditch and then just stood there while they tried to formulate the plan. I guess the goons missed all of this when they went out back for a smoke break or something. Paula also never gets a chance to ask why their car is missing from the parking lot.

As I said, Brett formulates a plan and the plan he comes up with makes me wonder if the guy still has antifreeze clogging his brain. Apparently by plan he meant "Wouldn't it be funny if we dressed Alex in drag just like Flip Wilson?" Yep, Alex is dressed up to look like Paula and serve as a decoy. No, it isn't funny. Oh, it's also the next day all of the sudden and with the finishing touches being made on Alex's less than convincing drag queen disguise, Brett basks in the hot sun away from them so he can transform into Turbo Teen yet again.

The transformation of man into car in this cartoon manages to be that rare combination of ludicrous, retarded, and somewhat creepy. First he pops wheelies, literally. Then, his hands morph into wheels and then he drops to all fours as everything but his head begins turns into the chassis. Next, his butt super elongates into the tail section and then his head morphs into the front of the car and as his face super elongates I halfway expect it to begin talking in a satanic voice. Walla, Turbo Teen!

Okay, Turbo Teen pulls up to the side of the road, pops open his hood, and blows off his radiator cap to make it look like the car is broken down due to overheating. A few feet down the road, Alex is now in full Geraldine mode and believe me that this time the devil truly made her do it. It appears the plan is for Alex to dress as Paula and get captured by the Dragon's goons so that they'll take him/her back to the Dragon's lair (Maybe they'll save Princess Daphne too while they're at it?) and then Turbo Teen will show up and capture the criminal mastermind. But weren't the goons just trying to kill her on the spot? Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind seeing Alex brutally murdered.

The scariest thing of all is that the plan works, although I personally much preferred the Alex getting brutally murdered variation of the scenario. The Rolls Royce comes driving by, spots the broke down car, and sees Paula/Alex standing on the side of the road trying to flag them down for help. Of course as soon as the fake Paula realizes she's flagged down the Dragon's goons he/she begins to flee. I wish you could see this all to brief but too damn ridiculous looking for words foot chase as Alex/Paula power walks away from them screaming for help while the goons power walk all of two feet right behind her/him. The goons capture transvestite Alex and they really are too stupid to realize they've just captured a man in drag. As they proceed to speed away, Turbo Teen slams his hood and pulls up to the large tree that Pattie, the real Paula, and Rusty were hiding behind. Never once does Paula wonder how the hell this car just drove itself over to them or that this talking car has the same voice as that Brett guy she met at the diner who has mysteriously vanished all of a sudden. Turbo Teen and friends take off in pursuit of the Rolls Royce and follow all of 20 or so feet behind them. If these goons ever look in the rearview mirror they should recognize the car behind them. Then again, they can't even figure out they've just taken the world's least convincing man in drag hostage (I know it's a cartoon and all but come on already!) so pointing out such things is pointless. They have now followed this Rolls Royce all the way from Nebraska to Iowa without being spotted.

The plan appears to be working perfectly when suddenly Dark Rider shows up for his required unexplained weekly menacing of Turbo Teen. Dark Rider comes out of a cornfield and runs Turbo Teen off the road and into a watery ditch. Despite the fact that this ditch is filled with more water than he was squirted with back at the diner, he does not transform back into Brett. Turbo Teen advises that his passengers not be inside him when he takes on the mysterious monster truck so Pattie, Paula, and Rusty hop out. He then turns on his turbo rocket boosters located in the rear and flies out of the ditch. Either this is yet another one of Brett's added options or it means that human Brett has a bad case of gas. Dark Rider takes off after our heroic sports car. Now just as we all know that there's nothing but ghost towns in Arizona, everyone knows that Iowa is nothing but cornfields and farms, right? Now get this. There's a huge pile of hey in front of them with a pitchfork stuck in it. Turbo Teen drives into it and sends all of it flying into the air. The car then leans back on its rear tires and catches the falling pitchfork by popping his hood almost as like someone tossing a toothpick in the air and catching it between their lips. It then charges at Dark Rider, blowing out one the truck's tires with the pitchfork it was using as a lance. Just like a video game, he wins a prize for defeating Dark Rider as a case of some sort pops out of the back of the truck and falls to the ground as it speeds away on four healthy tires. Continuity, people! Why am I even looking for logic anymore? This concludes Dark Rider's weekly menacing of Turbo Teen.

Pulling up to the unmarked case, Brett vows that "One day I'm gonna catch that guy." Pattie then walks up, pops open the case on the ground, and says, and I quote, "Oh no! Dark Rider dropped its make-up kit!" Yes, a make-up kit! The villain in the monster truck that is forever menacing our heroes has dropped a make-up kit. Is a make-up kit of the Avon variety or the Lon Chaney variety we don't know but it has now lost it. There are now even more questions about Dark Rider that deserve answers we'll never get.

Turbo Teen has no time to ponder over the meaning of Dark Rider's make-up kit because they've got to get to the Dragon before the Dragon learns he been duped and really does make Alex into a woman. Hey, maybe if they had gotten that make-up kit earlier they could have made Alex into a more convincing looking woman? Oh wait, it suddenly starts raining and this causes Brett to turn human again. Now the moment he transforms, I mean he's still on all fours, Paula walks up, I mean walks up just a split second after the transformation so there is absolutely no way she could have possibly missed this, and asks what happened to Turbo Teen. Brett, getting to his feet tells her he sent the car to get gas and Paula buys this by exclaiming "What a car!" Good lord! I know this was meant to be a children's show but my God this is ridiculous. This woman missed that happening right in front of her eyes yet she's supposed to be the key eyewitness in the trial of an international criminal? The Dragon's going free folks! The man is getting acquitted!

If you put a bumper sticker on him while in car form would his human form end up with a permanent tattoo on his ass that reads MONDALE FOR PRESIDENT? Oops, I'm thinking aloud again.

Meanwhile, onboard a train in a private car the goons introduce Paula/Alex to the Dragon and even he does not see through the disguise. Forget what I said moments ago. He's going to jail! The wig accidentally gets knocked off due to a gust of wind from the bad weather outside that is coming in through an open window. Suddenly the Dragon and his men realize they've been had. Yes, today's episode of TURBO TEEN is the tale of a guy that can turn into a car and his best friends transporting the world's stupidest prosecutorial star witness to testify against the world's dumbest international super criminal.

It's inspiring, people, truly inspiring.

Oh, this scene also finally reveals to us why this very un-dragon-ish man is called "The Dragon". His cane has a dragon's head on it. Yep, that's it. So basically if his cane had a baboon's head on it then he would be the international jewel thief known as "The Baboon". Clearly a lot of thought went into creating this villainous character.

Human Brett must have used his gaydar to locate a man in drag as they magically, inexplicably suddenly turn up alongside the train. He's not in car form so how the hell did they get there? Moments later, another gust of wind sends the wig flying through the hair so that it can land gently on Rusty the sheepdog's head thus instantly alerting them that their friend is in danger. They hop onboard an open freight car, one that comes fully equipped with its own personalized hobo cooking a pot of beans. God forbid Ruby-Spears leave out any cliches whatsoever! Brett tells the others to go on ahead to find Alex and so they run forward and vanish. How they got from the freight portion to passenger portion since they really aren't connected with doors or… No, no more logic! No more thinking! My brain can't take it anymore! I am not going to think about Brett tosses two spoonfuls of hot beans on his shirt and that being enough to cause him to heat up and transform into Turbo Teen yet again. Now will I think about where the hell this full-sized car just went when it just drove forward straight out of the boxcar. In shock, the hobo comically splashes so hot beans on himself for comedic effect. I cannot laugh because this particular transformation scene featured a close up of his butt morphing into the car's tail end and let me tell you that image was so traumatizing I may never be able to open the trunk of my car ever again.

Fortunately the international criminal that has just taken a hostage who isn't even tied up is nice enough to leave the door to the room partially open so that Pattie and Paula can overhear him taunting Alex. They do the old routine where Pattie dresses up as a member of room service with a food cart. She knocks on the door that is now conveniently closed now that our heroes know exactly where he is. The Dragon takes the bait and when Pattie pull off the cover of the meal Rusty pops out of the food cart and tackles the international super criminal. The sheepdog finally does something, as minor as it is, to justify its place on the show. We know have a foot chase down the longest, widest corridors of what must be the longest, widest train in the history of mankind. Either that or this train is like a Tardis, bigger on the inside than on the outside. I'm voting the train being a Tardis because Turbo Teen suddenly comes driving down the corridor sideways on two wheels. The bad guys exit the car and climb on top of the train and Turbo Teen uses the rocket boosters again to follow them up there and begins chasing them along the top of the train. Oh look, they are approaching a tunnel. Gotta make sure we hit every cliché in the book. Turbo puts on the breaks and drops down onto an empty flatbed car that just magically appeared in the middle of this passenger train and suddenly, I swear I'm not making this up, an instrumental version of The Pointer Sister's "I'm So Excited" begins playing. It just keeps getting more and more bizarre. As they come out of the tunnel, Turbo Teen hops off the train and the rest of his crew hop off the train right into car perfectly seated, as they had been earlier. They drive away seemingly home free while the Dragon and his two goons vow to get those meddling kids and that stupid car too.

As the soothing instrumental stylings of an early 80's Pointer Sisters ditty continues to play, the episode flashes forward to New York City as Turbo Teen comes barreling down street having somehow managed to come in first in the "Daredevil Run" despite all the side turns and distractions. Before I go any further I just want to say that the animators of this program have drawn the scariest freaking elevated highways I've ever seen. There are no sides to these overpasses. No railing of any sort. You can literally drive right off the side and go crashing to the ground. They look like they're driving on a freaking slide. But anyway, they win the race but the Dragon appears from out of nowhere with his two goons inside a helicopter that chases after them. They have just enough time to grab the trophy for winning the race so they nab the trophy from some guy that looks suspiciously like Super Mario (I know the makers of this show are into cliches but is this what they think the average Italian looks like?) and take off with the Dragon on their tail.

So new we have a chase as Turbo Teen roars down the empty streets of New York City as the Dragon in his helicopter pursues them all of about 20-feet off the ground. The Dragon must buy his canes from the same place the Penguin gets his umbrellas because the tip opens up and fires a dart of some sort at them. What that dart would have done we'll never know as once again Turbo Teen turns on the rocket boosters. Just to make sure we know this time the word TURBO lights up on the console next to the stick shift that has finally materialized for the first time in this episode. The car does not turbo boost as it has before. This time it literally flies into the air. It does a full takeoff, soars through the air for considerable distance, and comes to rest on the ice rink outside of Radio City Music Hall. Ice is cold. Brett transforms back into human form, his passengers tumble out on the ice on either side of him, and Paula finally figures out that Brett is the car. Brett tells her that it will have to be her little secret. Uh Brett, hate to break it to you, buddy, but there were about a half dozen other people who just saw you transform from a car into a man. Good luck getting them to keep your secret.

Imagine if this guy turned back into Brett while doing about 80 mph down the highway. He and everyone of his passengers would end up dying a horrible death having their flesh scraped off by the pavement. Yikes! I bet he makes sure never to drive around in car form if there's a chance of rain.

Before Paula can fully comprehend that she's been riding around inside a werecar, the helicopter comes down behind them allowing the Dragon to shoot a net from out of the tip of his cane and they fly off with her looking like a fish caught in a shrimp net. Our heroes go running down the street while trying to figure out how they're going to turn him back into the car. You'd think doing a lot of running down the streets of New York City would overheat you but instead Alex drags Brett into a beauty parlor and puts him under a hair dryer. Next thing you know he's turning into a snazzy red sports car right there in the beauty shop in front of all these old ladies. Hope he can get all of them to take the vow of secrecy too. And thank goodness this beauty parlor had doublewide doors for him to drive out of.

All right, one final chase as Turbo Teen speeds after the chopper down what looks like the Brooklyn Bridge, which is opening as if to let a tall ship through. I didn't even know the Brooklyn Bridge could open up like that. But what really matters is this gives Turbo Teen a giant ramp for him to jump Dukes of Hazzard style, which he does with the rocket boosters thrusting again. This time he goes rocketing through the air and, in a moment that fittingly caps off the idiocy that has proceeded it, literally grabs onto the helicopter's landing gear with it's wheels just like they were hands. The wheels actually turn to the side to grab hold. The Dragon thinks this is ridiculous and who the hell is going to argue with him here. Meanwhile on ground level, Pattie spies an open delivery truck just sitting on the side of the road that just happens to have a grappling hook and rope in it. That wins the coincidence of the millenium award! She ties the rope end to the light pole and then Alex wins a gold medal for Olympic grappling hook tossing as he hurls it straight up into the air several hundred feet and hooks it perfectly onto one of the car's axles. This allows Turbo Teen to drag the helicopter out of the sky by putting his gears into reverse and reeling them in via the rope. Then of course the cops pull up all around them. They have busted the Dragon once and for all. Or so you'd think.

None of this kidnapping or attempted murder crap matters because one of the cops tells them that they only have five minutes to get to the court house so Paula can testify. For crying out loud! The story is over. The Dragon is going to jail yet they insist on one last car race to the courthouse, or should I say, into the courthouse. They go right up the front steps and into the courtroom where Turbo Teen drops her off right into front of the bench at exactly 9:59. Paula makes a date with Alex because apparently she's turned on by young animated Byron Allen look-a-likes that get off on doing Flip Wilson shtick. She then takes the witness stand and when asked if she swears to tell the truth and nothing but the truth she says under her breath "maybe not the whole truth" and then winks at the car. And yes, one of Turbo Teen's headlights winks back. And that's the end of the show.

When I started writing this column I never had any intention of writing something this long about a single 20-minute episode of an old cartoon show but look at how much utter nonsense they crammed into those 20 minutes. Just like HOUSE OF THE DEAD, every single frame has something fundamentally screwed up. I can understand completely why the show had such a short run of only 12 episodes and yet I fully comprehend why this show does have itself a cult following. Hell, it may have made my brain turn to mush at times but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see more. That'll probably never happen as it took me forever just tracking down this one 45th generation copy of a single episode and for some reason I don't think there's going to be a DVD boxset released anytime soon. Oh well, that's enough reminiscing about TURBO TEEN. If ever there was an 80's cartoon ready for a revival this is it, especially when you consider how popular car movies are at the box office. Besides, I think we may finally have the perfect role for Ashton Kutcher.

Now perhaps one day I'll tell you of another Ruby-Spears production from around the same time period that ran on ABC Saturday mornings and didn't leave fond memories. In fact, it scarred me for life with its awfulness. One day, if I'm feeling truly masochistic and can bring myself to do so I may actually tell you about my childhood horror that was known as … RUBIK, THE AMAZING CUBE

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE TERMINAL VELOCITY