JANUARY/FEBRUARY FOYEURISM

(Now Showing Below) FOYZ TOYZ: ENEMY COMMANDOS

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A FOYWONDER SPECIAL PRESENTATION

 

FOYZ TOYZ: ENEMY COMMANDOS

 

Christmas Eve, 2003.

My mother sent me on an errand to the nearby Dollar General. What exactly I was sent there to purchase I honestly don't remember anymore. It doesn't matter anyway. It isn't relevant. Before seeking out whatever the hell it was I was sent there to retrieve I began taking notice of the cheap toys the store sells. Since it's Christmas time the toys are always put on display somewhere up front so that you don't miss them. Unless you took a hard left immediately upon walking past the checkout counters you couldn't avoid these displays. Now I don't know about you but even as an adult I often find myself fascinated by some of the cheap toys, usually the knock-offs of successful mainstream toylines, you can find at the dollar store. I've found some neat crap at dollar stores throughout my life but on this day nothing could have prepared me for what I would discover tucked away on one of the bottom rows.

Amid the cheap knock-offs of G.I. Joe, Transformers, Power Rangers, Barbie, and Masters of the Universe was what appeared to be a suicide bomber action figure. Yes, I said a suicide bomber figure. Granted the figure was Caucasian and not Middle-Eastern it was still an action figure that came with a vest of dynamite and it distinctly said "BOMBER" on the box. I looked at this figure and the others in the line it came from and tried not to fall on the floor laughing like a madman right there in the middle of the store. While I wasn't personally offended by them I know what day and age we live in so I couldn't believe the audacity of some cheap toy company actually putting these action figures out and marketing them to children. I ended up putting them down and continuing with my shopping. A little later that morning I was talking to my sister and as I described these toys I had seen in the Dollar General the more I realized I had to own these things for myself. I had to possess them all!

AND I HAD TO TELL THE WORLD ABOUT THEM!

 

 

I give you the "Enemy Commando" line of 12-inch action figures. Six figures total each fully articulated with removable clothing and accessories befitting the individual figures. The fully poseable dolls sold for only $5 a pop so I blew about $30 just so I could say I own them. One thing I kept wondering was who they were supposed to be the nemesis for. Nowhere on the package did it even mention their heroic counterparts or if they even had any heroic counterparts. I couldn't imagine anyone putting out figures of this sort, especially ones this outrageous, without having some figures representing the forces of good to justify their existence. I'm not 100% sure but I do believe they are supposed to be the enemies to another line of action figures called "World Peacekeepers". I came across those on another shelf in similar packaging and I believe they had the same manufacturer listed on the back of the box. I didn't bother with any of them since they were some of the sorriest G.I. Joe wannabes I'd ever seen. They were so generic and it almost looked as if they had just used the same figure mold to create six different figures only differentiated by the color and style of military fatigues they wore. In addition to seemingly having the same head, they seemingly carried the same equipment as I think each one came with the same accessories. It would seem both of these figure lines are part of a larger line of action figures called Power Team. Ever heard of them because I sure haven't?

How about that slogan, folks? Nothing like a little simplistic right wing jingoism to sell a toy line! Somewhere President Bush smiles. I'm amazed they didn't just go all the way and call these figures the "Evildoers" instead. Heck, that would be a more appropriate name than "Enemy Commando" would, as you're about to see. One problem with these figures right off the bat is that they come pre-handcuffed as they are in the box shackled with these really flimsy cheap rubber cuffs. If they've already been condemned then why do you need someone to stop them? I think I'm putting too much thought into this. Eh, why stop now? Let's analyze these dudes one at a time.

We begin with what is probably the only figure in the toy line that actually qualifies as an enemy commando. I must confess that I had no clue what a "highbinder" was so I looked it up. According to Webster's Dictionary, "highbinder" has two definitions. The first is "a professional killer operating in the Chinese quarter of an American city." Well, this figure definitely fits that definition. Ever heard of Al Leong, an instantly recognizable actor/stuntman who has appeared in countless action movies in the 80's and 90's. Asian, long flowing hair, usually played a henchman? Ring a bell? Trust me when I say that if you take away the eye patch and let his hair down the Highbinder would probably be a dead ringer for Al Leong. Heck, I can see Chuck Norris kicking the crap out of this guy in a Golan-Globus movie or Bruce Willis gunning him down in DIE HARD. The Highbinder figure definitely has disposable action movie henchman written all over it. How about that sniper rifle? It may actually be taller than the figure itself. I was almost tempted to take it out of the box just so I could see if it was possible to pose him with the gun without toppling over. Anybody out there know what the deal is with the wristwatch accessory? I know hitmen are very punctual but it seems odd to include a toy wristwatch. I just can't picture some kid playing with this figure and taking the time to pose it so he looks at his watch before taking a shot at his target. Well, maybe anal retentive kids playing with a hitman figure would do it but the average child won't. Oh yes, I did say there were two definitions listed. The other definition for "highbinder" is "a corrupt politician." Now that would have made a great figure. Corrupt Politician with sniper rifle for eliminating political rivals and special wristwatch to help him time his speeches. And he'd also need the dollar sign money sack too! He is a politician after all.

 

Okay, first of all, a thief is not a commando, especially this thief who appears to be dressed as a sanitation worker. His weapons of choice are a snub-nosed revolver and a knife. This guy is hardly going to be a match for a Marine with state of the art firepower, is he? I'm not even sure why the military would be dealing with this guy unless he made the mistake of trying to hold up an army base. I suppose if he pulled his hood over his face then his sack could cause him to be confused for a terrorist carrying some sort of bomb but I highly doubt that especially when you notice the sack has a nice big dollar sign on it. That dollar sign makes it pretty clear that this guy's sole concern is loot, not unleashing the will of Allah. This guy looks more like someone Dick Tracy would be after, not heavily armed, highly trained, Special Forces units. You can envision this guy as a small time crook named "Rocko" in a movie from the 30's or 40's. With that comical dollar sign on his money sack I keep picturing him attempting a robbery only to get thwarted by Bugs Bunny. He really is rather cartoonish in appearance. One last thing, despite putting that dollar sign on the money sack there is no money inside the sack. I guess he spent it all buying those snazzy high top sneakers. Nike's ain't cheap, you know?

If tough guy character actor Danny Trejo ever finds out that some toy company used his likeness as the basis for an action figure, especially one that specializes in robbing banks, there's probably going to be one hell of a lawsuit and Danny Trejo is not a guy I'd want to piss off. Granted he certainly comes with the firepower to put up a fight against armed soldiers, again, a bank robber is still not a commando. Unless the bank he's planning to rob is Fort Knox I really don't see this guy getting into a gun battle with an elite military fighting force. Besides, if the World Peacekeepers have time to go after bank robbers and thieves then someone needs to tell Tom Ridge to lower the threat level to yellow because all must be well in the world. I will say this for him. He's certainly a snappy dresser. Hell, he looks more like a gangster than the Gangster does. Instead of Bank Robber they should have called this guy Colombian Drug Lord. As a matter of fact, I think this guy is one of the bad guys on 24 this season. Not really sure what's up with the eye make-up though. Might be to accentuate his eyes when he's wearing the hood or since he looks Hispanic it could be a gang thing or perhaps when he's not robbing banks he makes a living working as a really sad mime. He is decked out in all black so it may just be that he's the world's first Latino Goth bank robber. Hey, why doesn't this guy come with sack with a dollar sign on it? On second thought, it was probably a good move not to include it. With the dollar sign sack and that snazzy black suit and flashy red tie people probably would have confused him for a televangelist.

 

Who says there's no gay mafia? Seriously, this has got to be someone's idea of a joke! For crying out loud, look at this guy. Gangsters aren't commandos but that point is moot since neither gangsters nor commandos look like this guy. The goatee, the little bit of pink/orange hair color, those arm tattoos, the nose ring, that leather vest - if this guy is a gangster then I'm the Queen of England. This guy wouldn't last 60 seconds on The Sopranos although he'd probably fit right in on Queer As Folk. This "gangster" looks like a male hustler you'd find selling himself on a street corner in San Francisco or the French Quarter in New Orleans after midnight. If the movie THE WARRIORS featured a gang of violent, homosexual, bleach blonde, goateed David Duchovny look-a-likes then maybe, just maybe, this guy might be able to call himself a gangbanger; but he'll definitely never ever be a gangster. Even his weapons are rather un-gangster-like. Okay, I can see some goombas wailing on some poor schmuck with that baseball bat and even burning a building down with the gas can but what's with the bottles? Are they a weapon unto themselves? Does he plan on making Molotov cocktails or are they there because wailing on guys with a baseball bat makes him thirsty? For crying out loud, he doesn't even come with a gun! What kind of self-respecting gangster doesn't carry a piece? And if he's an enemy commando then how is he supposed to put up a fight against a fully loaded Special Forces soldier? I've got a baseball bat, a gas can, and a two glass bottles. Hmmm… What would MacGyver do?

Now this is quite the perplexing figure. I suppose he could be an enemy commando that has escaped from prison. Who escapes from prison with a chainsaw anyway? Were the bars made of wood or does that chainsaw cut steel? And look at the size of that freaking thing. It's Leatherface's wet dream! Perhaps Mr. Prison Breaker has some inadequacy issues he needs to work out. Are chainsaws a common tool found in most maximum security prisons? Maybe if there's a prison in the middle of the woods somewhere but even then that's stretching things. One can only assume that this mammoth chainsaw was smuggled in. That must have been one humongous birthday cake. Feel free to insert your own joke about smuggling it in his rectal cavity because I'm just going to pass on that one. Judging by the ball and chain on his ankle he's clearly been doing time somewhere in Alabama. I think the ball and chain is a nice touch but I've never seen one with bumps on it like that. Usually they are smooth, cannonball-like. That ribbed ball looks more like it should be part of a mace. It's like they took the ball and chain off of some barbarian toy's warball and chain weapon and slapped it onto the ankle of this figure. Somewhere out there is a generic Conan figure wondering how in the hell he's supposed to rape and pillage with nothing but a short stick. The Prison Breaker may be a cool toy but every time I look at it I can't help but to wonder if it originally started out as someone's attempt at a cheap bootleg Eminem figure.

 

Here he is. The figure that caught my eye and left me dumbfounded! I suppose he could qualify as an enemy commando but I don't think you'll ever find a commando that looks like this dude. If Dolph Lundgren decided to commit a suicide bombing while dressed like a roadie for AC/DC then I suspect he'd look something like this. Good grief! In this post-9/11 era it takes a lot of balls to produce a children's action figure that is essentially a suicide bomber. Excuse me, homicide bomber. Thank you, Fox News Channel. I don't know whether I want to shake the manufacturers hand for coming up with something this outrageous or slap them on the back of the head as ask them what the hell they were thinking. Either way, you have to give them points for sheer audacity. Maybe I just have a twisted mind but I think you could have some real fun playing out a hostage situation with this figure, a World Peacekeeper figure or two, some Barbie dolls, and a Barbie Dream House. However, I can't help but to think that the play value of such a figure is rather limited. Sure he has those two bombs with him that he could plant somewhere or throw at the World Peacekeepers but the explosive vest kind of limits his options. I'm sure it would probably be fun to strap fireworks to the figure and blow him up for real but then the figure is ruined and you'll probably have blown some fingers off in the process. Still, I have to tip my hat to the toymakers for going so far for authenticity to include a dead man's switch for the bomb vest. Now if only they could explain why they chose to have him wear Herb Tarlek's pants.

But wait! The fun doesn't end with the figures below. There's more fun to be found on the box they come in.

I love labels like this. First of all, I'd like to think even the dumbest person could look in the front panel of the box and realize that it only comes with one figure. Secondly, here's a bit of common sense. If an action figure cannot stand on it's own and it is not part of the old Manglors line then it sucks. End of story. Finally, I have to take issue with that last bit of advice. Considering the nature of these figures I'm thinking that the plastic wire ties could come in really handy. Hold another toy hostage with those things binding their arms and legs. Yeah, don't throw those things away because they are definitely useful accessories.

 

DO NOT impersonate any of these figures; in particular DO NOT dress like the Gangster. Whatever you do, DO NOT impersonate the Gangster!

Yes kids, to play with these toys you need advice from mom and dad in addition to their guidance, which I would assume are one in the same. Apparently they are not. Has the world really gotten to the point that a warning label is required on the packaging for the villain toys to deter the kiddies from turning evil? Did playing with Cobra Commander action figures help spawn the current generation of moron criminals, the ones you see and hear about in the news that get laughed at for screwing up even the simplest of petty crimes. I honestly can't say for sure whether or not the inclusion of this disclaimer is conclusive proof of the inappropriateness of these particular toys or a sad reflection on our society. Is there really a kid out there that is going to play with the Bomber figure then turn around and build a dynamite vest and blow themselves to kingdom come? Normally I'd say this was ridiculous but then I remember the news footage of that kid who set himself on fire trying to recreate a stunt he saw on the show Jackass and realize that there really might be a kid out there dumb enough to emulate one of these figures. What makes this warning label all the more laughable is that the age appropriateness on the box reads "AGES 3 & UP." Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

And now for the icing on the cake! I came across this particular piece of information on a site devoted to soldier-theme action figures.

"Dolgen Corp. has sent a memo to all of it's Dollar General stores ordering them to pull the Power Team Enemy Commando figures from the shelves and not to re-stock them again. According to a DG employee these figures will not be sold but, destroyed! It seems that it's too expensive for companies to round up merchandise and send it back, so they take their losses and destroy the goods."

Apparently enough parents complained that the "Enemy Commando" figures were utterly inappropriate to the point that they shouldn't even be allowed on the market, or at the very least on the shelves of Dollar General. Little did I know when I snatched up these figures that they would eventually become hard-to-find collectibles because the toy's primary retailer would bow to public pressure from a couple of concerned parents and decide that chucking them into a furnace would be a cost effective measure. Luckily for me, either my local Dollar General didn't get the memo or just didn't give a crap. Everyone else who wants one will have to hope their Dollar General did the same or can find some specialty toy retailer that has some in stock. As for the rest of them, they've been cast off to the fires of hell where they will spend eternity with other damned toys like lawn darts! I guess this just proves the toy's slogan was true after all.

Good has prevailed and evil has been condemned!