THE 20 GOOFIEST MOVIE MONSTERS
OF ALL TIME

What you are about to read is a project I've been working on for over a year. Inspired by all those endless lists of the "50 Best..." and the "50 Worst..." that TV Guide, the American Film Institute, Maxim Magazine, Billboard Magazine, and every other media outlet seemed to be doing one of, I decided to get into the game with my own list of the 20 goofiest looking movie monsters of all time. Why not? I have just as little credibility as all the other list compilers. Actually, I'd be willing to go on the record and say that I have more journalistic credibility than Maxim. Anyway, when I originally concieved of doing this list back in September of 2001, it was going to be a list of 50. Then I narrowed it down to 25. Finally, I just decided to make it a list of 20. Also, I decided to set some parameters for those eligable to make the list.

1) Any monster that was intentionally designed for laughs is ineligable. Otherwise, LEPRECHAUN, KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE, the monsters from INFRAMAN, and practically every single GREMLINS knock-off would rank very high on the list.

2) Any monster that is not the primary monster of the movie is ineligable. If I didn't add this rule, lord knows I would have to consider every last monster ever featured in a sci-fi/horror film, Mexican horror movie, fantasy sword & sandal movie, or STAR WARS rip-off. Sorry, no supporting monsters or monsters that only show up for a few minutes and aren't referenced in the title. I'm looking for the goofiest mon-stars only! Otherwise, this list would go on forever.

3) Just being a poorly rendered special effect doesn't qualify. Think of all the lousymake-up jobs, bad CGI, or less than convincing puppets that have graced the screen. The monsters on this list have to have that little something extra that makes them stand out.

If you don't think those three simple guidelines didn't help when compiling this list, take a look below at just some of the monsters that didn't make the cut because of them.

The Beach Ball Alien from DARK STAR/The Alien Rock Monsters from MISSILE TO THE MOON/The Giant Gopher from THE CYCLOPS/The Veggie-Men Monsters from INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES/The Watermelon Monster from DRUNKEN WU TANG/The Turkey Monster from BLOOD FREAK/DEMONIC TOYS/The Psycho Snowman from JACK FROST/The Monsters from the Mexican sci-fi, musical, comedy SHIP OF MONSTERS/The Guardian Of Krankor from PRINCE OF SPACE/The Doe-Eyed Alien Monster from PHANTOM PLANET/The Resurrected Side Of Beef from DEAD HEAT/MUNCHIES/The Cave Kite Monster from YOR, HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE/The Giant Chickens of CHICKEN PARK/CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA/GHOULIES/The Octo-Shark from DEVILFISH/The Vampire Motorcycle from I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE/HOBGOBLINS/KILLER CONDOM/The Tumbleweed Throw Pillow Monsters from SEEDPEOPLE/The Lobster Shadows from TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE/FRANKENHOOKER/The Frog Men from HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN/The Giant Walrus from the Japanese version of GORATH/INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN/OCTAMAN/Tor Johnson

Your get the idea. This is why I decided to set down those parameters. Now with that prolonged explanation out of the way, here's a list of honorable mentions that were strongly considered for the list, but didn't quite make the cut followed by the actual list of twenty. As always, every selection and accompanying passage is clearly my own personal opinion and purely subjective. As I said, I have about as much credibility as everyone else. Feel free to debate and please, no wagering. So here it is...1 year in the making and damn proud of it. Enjoy!

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HONORABLE MENTIONS

*THE STUFF - Part Blob. Part Body Snatcher. All Yogurt!
*Tabonga (FROM HELL IT CAME) - Truly a lumbering monster.
*THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS - Big balloon. Big eyes.
*Megalon - The giant cockroach with the drill bit hands.
*THE KILLER SHREWS - Just toss some carpets on the dogs.
*Ass Blasters (TREMORS 3) - Okay, now its just getting stupid!
*ZONTAR, THE THING FROM VENUS - Nice space scarecrow!
*THE MILPITAS MONSTER - Hey, it was a high school project.
*ELVES - Elves that will procreate Hitler's master race!
*THE CURIOUS DR. HUMPP - More odd than curious actually.
*Belial (BASKET CASE) - Both silly and ghastly at the same time.
*Minya - Godzilla's red-headed stepchild almost made the list.
*THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION - Worst Mardi Gras float ever!
*Chinese Hopping Vampires - Based on actual Chinese legends!
*ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATUES - Licorise filled mouths?
*Mutant Children (IT'S ALIVE 3: ISLAND OF THE ALIVE) - Looking like a bizarre hybrid of the Garbage Pail Kids and a C.H.U.D., the IT'S ALIVE kids from the third installment came within a fraction of an inch of making it onto the list.

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THE LIST

#20 GEZORA

There are three giant monsters featured prominently in the Japanese daikaiju movie known in the United States as YOG, MONSTER FROM SPACE, however, none of them are named Yog? I guess AIP just figured it was an easier title to say than the film’s original Japanese title of GEZORA-GANIME-KAMEBA: KESSEN! NANKAI NO DAIKAIJU. Still, I’d love to know where the name “Yog” came from. Anyway, an evil alien force terrorizes a tropical island by mutating some local sealife into giant monsters. The other two monsters were a giant crab named Ganime and a giant snapping turtle named Kameba. However, it is the giant squid Gezora that steals the show. Giant squids are nothing new to science fiction and fantasy films, but this giant squid, I am fairly certain, is the only one that has ever walked upright on land. Those must be some mighty strong tentacles. Even though this particular monster only appears briefly, just the site of this Godzilla-sized, bug-eyed squid power walking through the jungle and kicking over village huts with its tentacles is reason alone for it to make the list.

#19 THE CRAB MONSTERS

From ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS come the goofiest crustaceans ever to grace the silver screen. Once again, that evil scourge of the fifties, atomic radiation, spawns huge crabs hellbent on world domination by absorbing the brains of brilliant scientists and then using their knowledge for global conquest. But that’s not the reason why they made the list. Nor is it because they can walk forward or speak telepathically. No, it’s their eyes. They have human eyes. Someone should have told Roger Corman that giving the crabs big, sleepy eyes detracts from their sinister nature and just makes them look hopelessly silly. Hey, not only are they human eyes, they’re Walter Matthau’s!

#18 FLYING PIRANHAS

You have got to give the makers of PIRANHA 2: THE SPAWNING credit. Rather than just rehashing the original film over again like the JAWS sequels did, they decided to get creative. Boy, did they get creative. Once again, the United States military has been playing God by breeding genetically altered piranhas to be used as weapons. However, just dumping super-piranhas into enemy waterways isn’t enough anymore so they crossbreed the piranha with the flying fish. Someone should have told them that flying fish don’t actually fly, but can glide briefly for a few meters. The result: foot-long, ravenous piranhas that use their fins to fly around like bats. They must have tossed in some vampire bat DNA too because these flying piranhas instinctively go for their victim’s throats. PIRANHA 2 also holds a place in film history because it marked the directorial debut of James Cameron. When once asked about his freshman opus, Cameron joked that PIRANHA 2 is “the best damn movie about flying piranhas ever made.” Can’t argue with that.

#17 THE GODMONSTER

After watching THE GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS, it seemed to me as if the filmmaker wanted to make a movie about the corrupt owners of a frontier town somewhere in the Southwest trying to run off the black businessman whose come to the town before his corporation can buy up their land or something like that, but the producers insisted on having a monster in the movie to help sell it. Either that or everybody was just so stoned at the time that they thought making a modern day Western with a huge, mutant sheep monster running amok and some religious diatribes tossed in for good measure was a good idea. The mutant sheep isn’t just goofy looking, it’s downright bizarre. It looks more like a deformed giant sloth or Mr. Snuffalupogus dying from mange than a mutated sheep, but who am I to argue with the makes of such a strange film.

#16 THE CREATURE FROM GALAXY 27

The plot of NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST, the film’s inappropriate title which was selected by teenagers the producers’ surveyed, was typical for a 50s sci-fi film. An astronaut returns from space dead. Dead astronaut is resurrected by the alien and it turns out he’s being used as a living incubator for alien embryos whose birth could result in the end of life as we know it. The alien is actually quite articulate and intelligent when it speaks. Problem is, the alien, when it is finally revealed on-screen, looks like a cross between a parrot and a mole or some sort of mongoloid owl. Not exactly what one would envision when it comes to highly intelligent extraterrestrial beings. Just one of the many monsters from the Roger Corman bestiary, this preposterous monster also had a small role in the film TEENAGE CAVEMAN, where the crud covered beast’s design also proved counterproductive.

#15 THE BRAINIAC

An evil sorceror condemned to death by the Mexican branch of the Spanish Inquisition escapes his stake burning by using some evil mojo to catch a ride on a passing comet. When the comet returns 300 years later, the warlock returns and seeks vengeance against the descendents of his inquisitors whom, lucky for him, all live within a several mile radius of one another. Exactly why he transforms into a hairy monster with a huge nose, pincers for hands, and a foot-long tongue that sucks the brains out of his victims is never really explained. Nor is it explained why his head has a pulsating air bladder in it. I guess some questions are better left unanswered. He’s evil! That’s your explanation! Personally, I think THE BRAINIAC is what film critic Gene Shalit would look like after falling into a vat of toxic waste. Trust me when I say that every lover of schlock should see this movie. How ironic that a movie called THE BRAINIAC would prove to be so gleefully insane.

#14 THE BEAST CREATURES

I’m not exactly sure why the movie was called ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES, because they’re not exactly beasts or creatures. They’re more like nasty, little, Polynesian Troll Dolls. In fact, the movie never tells you what they are. All you know is that they’re vicious, eat human flesh, can haul ass, inhabit an island in the North Atlantic, and worship a giant Graham Cracker. Are they some sort of race of cannibalistic pygmies? Are they supposed to be living totems? Are they supposed to be dolls? Are they demons? Were they once human? I guess we’ll never know. Would it shock you to know that one of the producer's of this hard-to-find film was Joseph Brenner, the same man who brough INFRAMAN to the Western world?

#13 MUTANT ZOMBIE FISHMEN

THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH, in its uncut version, was surprisingly grisly for its time. No matter because the feature monsters of this 1964 not-so-classic rank amongst the silliest of all time. There have been lots of movies with gill-men ever since CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, but none looked quite like this. It’s their mouths. What in the bloody hell are those things protruding from their mouths? Hot dogs? Sausages? Cucumbers? Vibrators? What? There’s also one other thing that puts the Party Beach beasties high on this list, they’re weakness. Atomic waste leaks from an undersea barrel and causes a human skeleton to transform into these blood-drinking sea monsters yet the good guys destroy them with sodium, which causes them to explode. Sodium? Isn’t sodium salt? But…these creatures live in salt water. Umm…wouldn’t seawater, which is salt water, be loaded with sodium? I guess if I’m watching a movie about mutant zombie fishmen should I even bother asking such questions?

#12 “TRUMPY”

I’m sure that somewhere out there you can get your hands on a non-MST3K copy of this awful 1983 Spanish E.T./ALIEN rip-off/hybrid, but God only knows why anyone would want to watch POD PEOPLE without Joel & the Bots. So this furry little creature with the head of a deformed elephant (Or would that be a deformed anteater?) hatches from an alien egg found in the woods and is befriended by a young boy who nicknames him “Trumpy” after his protruding proboscis. The midget monster, much like E.T., possesses magical powers, but unlike E.T., the powers are used primarily to do stupid feats of stop motion animation. As dopey as the alien is, the movie shoots itself in the foot and kicks it’s audience in the groin by tossing in an identical, evil doppelganger for the friendly alien. Trumpy’s evil twin begins a murderous rampage and kills his victim’s with a single karate chop to the kidneys. Yes, it’s E.T. with a FRIDAY THE 13TH mentality! And before anyone says that this creature was an ALF rip-off, keep in mind this film was made three years prior to that hit series. Hmm…

#11 THE GREEN SLIME

When highly respected Japanese director Kinji Fukasaku signed on to direct a science fiction film in 1968 about Americans who encounter a dangerous alien species in outer space, he envisioned it as an allegory about America’s involvement in Vietnam. Then the producers informed him that he did not have creative control over the project and all they wanted to make was a silly matinee monster movie. Then the human stars of the movie got a look at their monstrous co-stars and immediately called their agents looking to get out of what they believed would be the end of their careers. No dice! There is no escape from THE GREEN SLIME! Green, alien goo discovered on a runawayasteroid spawns malicious, tentacled cyclops when electrified. The Dr. Who monsters rejects then reproduce and run rampant on a space station. One look at these critters and you’ll see why movie audiences worldwide laughed it off the screen and why two of the stars snuck out of a screening before they could be recognized. In a strange twist, the Japanese cut of the film is actually 10 minutes shorter than the American version.

#10 THE CHEAP MONSTER

You read that correctly because this monster is the epitome of the cheap movie monster. In the mid-60s, Texas based independent filmmaker Larry Buchanan struck a deal with American International Pictures to produce a string of TV films for the low, low price of $30,000 each. This Satanic cabal gave the world such cinematic atrocities as ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES, CURSE OF THE SWAMP CREATURE, and ZONTAR, THE THING FROM VENUS. This entry into the list of the all time goofy astonishingly enough appeared in not one, but two movies. Specifically, CREATURE OF DESTRUCTION (which was a remake of THE SHE CREATURE) and “IT’S ALIVE!” (not to be confused with the Larry Cohen killer mutant baby movie). Just look at this stupid thing. Rubber fright mask! Ping Pong ball eyes! Cheap wetsuit with some makeshift scales! Ping Pong ball eyes! Silly plastic fangs! Ping Pong ball eyes! Clearly he didn’t spend much of that thirty grand on the monster. Did I mention the Ping Pong ball eyes?

#9 THE JELLYFISH MAN

There have been countless movies featuring featuring mer-men and even a flick or two about humanoid crustaceans, but there is only one movie about a half-man/half-jellyfish and that movie is the 1965 obscurity STING OF DEATH. Actually, if you’ve ever seen the movie, you could almost call it a ‘were-jellyfish” since the monster is a guy who transforms back and forth throughout the movie. So how exactly do you visualize the concept of human jellyfish? Well, body-wise, it’s obviously a poorly disguised wetsuit complete with flippers and some dangling stingers hanging off of it. The bigger conceptual problem is the head. Jellyfish don’t exactly have any distinct facial features. No problem, just stick a clear, plastic bag on the actor’s head! So hear you have this Jellyfish Man who is awkwardly bulky stumbling around with an inflated balloon on its head through which you can see the actor’s head. As ridiculous as it is, you really have to feel for the guy in the costume because you know seeing and breathing had to be incredibly difficult. To help add to the overall shoddiness, the actor’s skin occasionally pops out through the suit.

#8 THE SEA SERPENT

If there’s one thing European cinema is good at (Or would that be bad at?) its making cheap knock-offs of hit movies. Just look at the sheer number of JAWS, STAR WARS, and THE ROAD WARRIOR clones they produced. 31 years after the release of THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS, Spain finally got around to ripping it off. At least, I think that’s what they were trying to do. Either way, THE SEA SERPENT’s plot is straight out of a 1950s monster movie. Unfortunately, the monster itself is straight out of a 1960s kiddie show. People, not only is it a sock puppet, it's an absolutely ridiculous looking one to boot! The fact that a creature of this caliber in what is supposed to be a suspenseful monster movie was used in the 1980s simply boggles the mind. It’s not even a case of the monster being kept hidden until the film’s climax like most movies with cheesy looking monsters do. You see this thing from the very beginning of the film and it still induces laughter every single time it appears on screen. What surely would have been an instantly forgettable foriegn monster movie is quite memorable for the sheer lunacy of its laughable mon-star.

#7 THE CREEPING TERROR

I just know I’m probably going to catch hell from someone for ranking this classic bad monster so low. Usually the winner whenever the subject of “All Time Worst Movie Monster” comes up, this voracious, man-eating carpet creature from outer space is just a total conceptual clusterf***. I mean, just look at it. What exactly is it supposed to be? And keep an eye out for the occasional tennis shoe sneaking out into plain sight from under the carpet. What’s with that head and those dangling eyeballs? Still, the subject here is “Goofiest” and not “Worst” and I feel confident that you will agree that the next six actually have this all time worst monster beat in the goofiness department.

#6 GUIRON

This one just makes you question the sanity of everyone involved with the making of GAMERA VS. GUIRON. I know these movies were aimed at kids, but still. Guiron just looks like your typical four-legged monster suit until you get to it’s head which is just an enormous knife and, if that wasn’t enough, it sports special ports for firing ninja stars. This is exactly why I love Japanese science fiction. Pure 100% imagination! As goofy as it might be, this alien watchdog for an interstellar civilization that now consists of only two brain-eating females is far more creative and memorable than most of what you find on this side of the Pacific. Still, you have to wonder what the production meetings must have been like when the concept for this Gamera foe was pitched to the producers.

#5 GIANT KILLER RABBITS

The concept of an ordinary animal mutated to gargantuan proportions is a hallmark of the sci-fi/horror genre, but none are as ridiculous as 1972’s NIGHT OF THE LEPUS. Not just giant rabbits, but giant, man-eating rabbits! This one gets a double whammy because the concept is even goofier than the execution. Brought to life through the kind of movie magic that would make Bert I. Gordon proud, real live rabbits are made to look like they’re the size of a truck as they terrorize the American Southwest. You can have actors screaming in terror, rabbits stampeding through minature sets, and close-up shots of the varmits with bloodstained teeth, it doesn’t change the fact they chose to use cute bunnies instead of something a little meaner looking like say a Texas jackalope. There is simply no way humanly was possible to make a bunny rabbit into a menacing, horrifying, man-killing beast. God bless ‘em, the makers of NIGHT OF THE LEPUS tried and bad movie history was made.

#4 THE RO-MAN

So you’re making a sci-fi film called ROBOT MONSTER about an evil robot from outer space that wipes out humanity. One problem. One big problem! Your measly $20,000 budget doesn’t cover the costs for that robot suit you need and so all you have is a slightly modified diving helmet. Good news! One of your friends owns a gorilla suit. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life only gives you a space helmet and gorilla suit, you put the helmet on the monkey! And bad movie history is made.

#3 “BIG BEULAH”

That is the pet name that AIP monster maker Paul Blaisdell gave to the feature monster of IT CONQUERED THE WORLD. This malicious, super intelligent toadstool from the planet Venus would get laughed off screens worldwide all because the production crew forgot to bring lighting generators with them thus forcing director Roger Corman to shoot the movie’s climactic showdown in broad daylight. It was supposed to remain cloaked in shadowy darkeness within the confines of the cave in which it dwelled for the duration of the film, but what’s done is done. The film’s cast and crew also had no respect for the Venusian vegetable as co-star Beverly Garland kicked it over once in disgust and the conquering cucumber’s arms were rendered wobbly due to careless grips stepping all over them. Its even reported that star Lee Van Cleef had to try to fight off a look of embarrassment while shooting the climactic blowtorch confrontation because the off-screen production crew was cheering him on the whole time to set the thing afire for real. Well, they may not have loved “Big Beulah” but we sure do!

#2 THE GIANT CLAW

Yet another giant animal monster movie from the 1950s, only the monster from this 1957 “so bad it’s good” classic wasn’t super-sized by atomic energy, but was instead a giant, antimatter buzzard from outer space. THE GIANT CLAW, acting and script wise, is a decent fifties monster movie. Unfortunately, the producers wanted to save money by farming the effects work out to a Mexican special effects firm. NEVER FARM OUT YOUR F/X WORK TO MEXICO!!! We all know in this post-NAFTA age that labor is cheaper South of the Border, but cheaper doesn’t necessarily mean better. Nowhere is that lesson better illustrated than with the hilarious looking, wooden marionette adorned with turkey feathers that’s supposed to be threatening humanity. It looks like it should be playing a sidekick on Howdy Doody. Perhaps the producers short-changed the Mexican F/X crew so they got revenge by creating this silly thing. If not, then that means that somewhere in Mexico in 1957, somebody honestly believed this puppet would frighten audiences. Now there’s a truly frightening thought!

AND THE GOOFIEST MOVIE MONSTER OF ALL TIME IS...

#1 GUILALA

You wanna know why this monster is #1 on the list? Go back and take a look at the nineteen that proceeded it and then take one look at this thing and realize that this is exactly what the producer’s envisioned for the monster to look like! This wasn’t a matter of lack of budget or gross incompetence. This is exactly what they had in mind! Furthermore, Guilala was supposed to be the star of a whole new franchise! As I said when talking about Guiron, the Japanese have a wild imagination and this monster is without a doubt the wildest of them all! And I’m I not even going to discuss its silly roar. In 1967, Japanese film studio Shochiku Films looked around at all the money rivals Toho and Daiei were making with their respective Godzilla and Gamera films and decided they wanted in on the lucrative daikaiju genre. Thus THE X FROM OUTER SPACE was born. It would be their first and last daikaiju movie. Spawned from an alien spore, the monster Guilala would go on to do what every other giant monster does when in Japan before suffering a shaving cream demise and then being shot back into space never to be seen again. Let’s take a second to analyze Guilala shall we? Body wise, the monster looks like a cross between a chicken, a dinosaur, and The Michelin Man. Its head looks like the head of one of the monsters from PITCH BLACK if it were to be dried out like a raisin. Then you stick on it a chicken’s beak, Ultraman’s eyes, bobbling antennas, and whatever the hell that was on the head of Snork. Put it all in a blender and hit frappe and you get Guilala, the goofiest movie monster of all time! Take one look at Guilala and ask yourself, is this monster hopelessly absurd or a work of cockeyed genius or both?

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And there you have it, my personal choices for THE 20 GOOFIEST MOVIE MONSTERS OF ALL TIME. If there are any movie monsters you think have been wrongly excluded or that I have just plain forgotten to include, feel free to drop me a line. I'm always on the lookout for movie monsters, especially the goofy ones. I hope you enjoyed this very special feature. I know I did putting it all together. Much like all those other lists put out, feel free to discuss, ridicule, or ignore this one as you see fit.