MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE
PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE

"Is there a phantom in the mall? Or just some retard in a broken hockey mask!"  Those are actual lyrics from the PHANTOM OF THE MALL theme song that plays during the film's closing credits.  Problem is, I had to sit through the entire movie to get to it!  If only the movie was as clever as its theme song.  Still, any movie where Morgan Fairchild is sent hurling to her death can't be all bad.  Oh wait, I almost forgot that one of the film's co-stars is a pre-MTV Pauley Shore.  Sadly, his character lives.

COPYCAT CRIMES

Speaking of movies that aren't as clever as you'd hope they would be, I saw THE ONE recently.  By the time you read this, it will have been relagated to the dollar-theater or, better yet, video store Hell where it belongs!  That quote above is the highlight of the film & much like the PHANTOM OF THE MALL song, it doesn't come until the very end.  You know why this movie is called THE ONE? Because that's how many stars I'm giving it!  Okay, the scene where Yulaw uses police motorcycles as flyswatters was pretty nifty, but the film is PG-13 so the over-the-top violence isn't as over-the-top as it should be.  Hell, the final showdown where the dueling Jets nail each other with bone crunching kicks doesn't even result in either one suffering as much as a bloody nose.  Thank you, Senator Lieberman!

In case you don't know the premise behind THE ONE, Jet Li plays Yulaw.  He comes from an alternate dimension where they have the ability to travel to other dimensions using a means that looks like a cross between Star Trek teleporters & Slider's wormhole thingy.  All the different dimensions make up what is called the "Multiverse."  Yulaw has been traveling across the various dimensions killing off the other versions of himself and thus gaining their life force, or something like that.  Every time he kills a version of himself, he becomes that much more stronger, faster, and smarter.  I dispute the last one, because nobody is smart in this movie!

Yulaw is pursued by two cops who protect the balance within the "Multiverse."  They have to stop him because nobody knows the ramifications of someone eliminating their other selves.  In theory, it could cause the "Multiverse" to implode or explode or some other sort of `splosion!  Or they may become a God.  The movie never gives you a clear indication as to why Yulaw is doing this or what he hopes to accomplish other than the fact that he really wants to be "the one."  I haven't seen a movie where somebody makes that declaration so many time that didn't have the words "high" or "lander" in the title!

Anyway, in our dimension, Jet Li is also Gabe, a mild mannered (i.e. dull) police officer.  Gabe is the only one left for Yulaw to kill.  Just as Yulaw has been gaining super powers, so has Gabe.  Yulaw travels to our dimension to kill Gabe.  They fight.  That's pretty much the plot.  This could have been a fun action flick.  It wasn't.  Why?  Because there are so many things that make no friggin' sense and other things that just make you want to puke.  Anyway, I now present to you -

10 THINGS ABOUT THE ONE THAT MADE ME WANT TO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL!

If Yulaw has superhuman strength and has become so fast he can move in the blink of an eye, then why does his character feel the need to haul ass whenever he's threatened?  For that matter, why does Yulaw sneak around and try to manipulate others?  In one scene, he damn near obliterates a small army of armed cops.  In the next, he runs away.  He should be an unstoppable badass.  The Terminator never hid in an attic in order to play pointless mind games with someone's wife.  The Terminator walked into the police station and killed everyone.  Yulaw goes from being an unstoppable badass to a wussy weasel whenever it's convenient for the plot.  A totally inconsistent character.

You've just seen yourself.  Yourself just tried to kill you.  Are you totally freaked out?  Do you think you've lost your mind?  If you're like Gabe, then you go home, acting more like you don't want to tell your wife about the old girlfriend you met up with tonight, and practice your Tai-Chi.  Several scenes later, you go to the hospital to get checked out.  Now you start acting like you've just seen a ghost.  Wow, what a plot convenient delayed reaction just so you can have both Jets practicing their kung fu at the same time.

Can somebody get Delroy Lindo a new agent?  Why is he playing a "Multiverse" agent chasing Yulaw?  Why is he in this movie?  Here we have one of the most talented actors in Hollywood and he keeps turning up in some of the lamest action films out there.  He must either really love crappy action movies or he loves whoever signs the check.  At least THE ONE is better than ROMEO MUST DIE and GONE IN 60 SECONDS.  As if that says much.

Any movie that has a scene where somebody sits up on a coroner's table resulting in someone else fainting must suck!  This is simply one of the laws of cinema.

One of the worst clichés in cinema is the good and bad twins standing side by side dressed identically causing every idiot in the room to try and decide which is which.  This movie seemed like it would avoid this since Yulaw and Gabe are never dressed the same.  Of course, they found a "you've got to be kidding me" way of getting them fashionably indistinguishable for the film's final act.

I can't recall another movie that has so many scenes where people stand around with guns in their hands in public places and nobody seems to take notice.  I don't know about you, but if I see two guys showing off their firepower outside a gas station or inside a public place and they're not wearing police uniforms, I'm gonna call the cops.  Apparently, the average citizen in our universe doesn't think anything of it or is completely blind.

In this day and age, unless it's a low budget direct to video movie, there is simply no excuse for any sci-fi film to conclude with the hero and villain battling it out in an abandoned factory.  THE ONE does.  The same can be said for movies that conclude in warehouses.

Several times in the movie, Yulaw's super speed and reflexes are executed in a less than convincing fashion.  For example, Yulaw kicks somebody.  They go flying in the air.  Then, while they're still in the air, Yulaw superkicks two other guys.  They get KO'd. Then, Yulaw nails the first guy he kicked with another kick before he hits the ground.  Problem is, the first guy is kicked, then goes slo-mo as he tumbles through the air.  When Jet Li punches the other two cops, everything moves at normal speed.  Then, after he kicks the first guy again, the footage speeds up.  Instead of super reflexes, Yulaw seems to possess some sort of martial arts kicks that causes people to move in slow motion upon impact until he kicks them again.  Yet another attempt at ripping off THE MATRIX's "bullet time" technique.  As for his super speed, simply speed up footage of him running in a way that barely gives the effect of making it look like he's moving really fast.

When one of the "Multiverse" cops explains to Gabe what is going on, he does not believe it and calls him crazy.  Sure, like you're going to get a better explanation as to why your superhuman identical twin is trying to kill you off at the same time that you yourself are developing superpowers.  Then when Gabe tells the guy that he wants no part of any of this.  Excuse me, but you're being hunted down by someone who wants to kill you.  I don't think you have an option.  This is just bad screenwriting!

The obligatory happy ending.  If you've seen the movie, you had to be rolling your eyes at the convenience of Gabe's fate.  Yuck! You knew it was an alternate dimension because where else would people drive cars that look like a cross between the bubble cars from Woody Allen's SLEEPER and those tiny cars Shriners ride around on.

SPECIAL BONUS 11TH FRUSTRATION: Numerous scenes where the guy with the thick Australian accent discusses crucial plot points with the guy who has the heavy Asian accent forcing you to strain trying to make out what the hell they're saying!

THE ONE was written and directed by the combination of Morgan & Wong.  I don't think they have first names anymore.  They are simply known as Morgan & Wong.  They are like the Captain & Tenille.  Actually, they were two of the top writers for THE X-FILES in its heyday.  They also made the film FINAL DESTINATION.  After seeing this fiasco, I think Morgan & Wong should travel across a few dimensions killing off other versions of themselves in order to vastly improve their screenwriting ability.  That would theoretically make their next film, reported to be a remake of the 70s rat movie WILLARD, a better movie than this mess.  In their defense though, I've heard that the studio cut THE ONE down from a near two hour running time to its current 80 some minutes.  That might explain why it is such a mess.  Guess studios can't have plot and character getting in the way of people getting kicked.

Before Jet Li took the lead role, THE ONE was originally supposed to star WWF superstar THE ROCK.  He backed out of the project opting to do THE SCORPION KING instead.  Who says wrestlers are dumb?  Considering the negative buzz surrounding that film, maybe I should wait awhile to make that statement.

In my last column, I mentioned the passing of Samuel Z. Arkoff.  Well, his son, Lou Arkoff, produced a series of in-name-only remakes of 5 of his dad's classics.  This past October, they debuted on Cinemax under the Creature Features moniker.  All of the creatures were designed by F/X master Stan Winston, who also co-produced.  So, if nothing else, you know the monsters are going to look better than in the original AIP movies. In fact, the movies almost seem more like a commercial to sell the line of action figures based on Stan Winston's creature designs for the films.

First up was SHE CREATURE.  The original SHE CREATURE was about a hypnotist who's act involved hypnotizing his beautiful assistant whose sub-conscious manifested itself as a killer gill-man type monster.  The new SHE CREATURE is about a turn-of-the-century sideshow huckster and his wife who stumble across an old man in Britain who has a real live mermaid.  They steal the mermaid and take ship back to America with plans to make a fortune.  Of course, this isn't SPLASH so the mermaid is less than friendly.  Bad things start to happen.  The token black guy dies.  Lesbian undertones are explored.  The mermaid turns into a man-eating monster.

Ironically, the movie has nothing in common with the original.  The new creature design is pretty good, but I've always thought the original SHE CREATURE design was one of the best in monster movie history.  Plus, it doesn't materialize until the last 10 minutes.  Up until then, it's just a topless redheaded mermaid.  That wasn't so bad either.  But as I said, these were in-name-only remakes.  In fact, this mermaid-monster tale was originally made under the title WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST.  What mermaids have in common with a colossal man on a rampage is anybody's guess.  The producers just said screw it and gave it the SHE CREATURE title instead.  While not a great movie, its certainly an okay way to kill 90 minutes.  The movies look and feel has more in common with an old Hammer film than an AIP movie what with its gothic atmosphere.  It's obvious that the reason that this one was put on first is because it was the best of the lot.  The producers successfully tricked me into thinking these movies had potential.  Those bastards!

Next up was HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER.  The original dealt with a studio make-up artist who, after being fired, seeks revenge using F/X hypnotic make-up that makes the actors think they are the monster they are made up to be and, thus, kill people.  The new version is about video game creators making a new video game that's so realistic, the demonic viking skeleton cyborg monster that's the star of the game comes to life and starts killing them one by one or something like that.  It was basically a generic monster/slasher film and its attempt to make a statement about the harsh nature of corporate life falls flat.  Let me make this brief.  It sucked!  It really, really sucked!  If this movie was any crappier, it could have been made for the Sci-Fi Channel!  Its production values are only slightly higher than your typical direct-to-video production.  What really pissed me off is how the monster is defeated.  How many times must we see the unstoppable electronic monster/robot thwarted by being short circuited with water.  LAME!  LAME!  LAME!

Our next entry is EARTH VS. SPIDER.  There is no giant spider in this version.  In fact, a more appropriate title for this one would have been DAN AKROYD VS. THE FLY RIP-OFF!  A comic book fan who works at some lab where they are experimenting with tarantulas in order to…who gives a shit!  He gets bitten, develops powers, & tries to become Spider-Man, but ends up mutating like The Fly.  His love interest is played by an actress who should change her name to Not Actually Denise Richards But An Amazing Simulation.  Dan Akroyd, who apparently thinks he's in some 1940s noir, plays a hapless gumshoe trailing the arachnid boys carnage.  To be honest, this one was probably had the most in common with Arkoff's AIP monster movies of the 50s.  The tone of the film was in the same vein as I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF and other teen angst monster movies.  But just like those films at their worst, it is a poorly written, poorly plotted waste of time.  This could have been a fun throwback to AIP's past, but the combination of budget restraints and unimaginative script kill it.  It doesn't even succeed on a kitsch level.  Too bad! It had potential.  For those who've seen it, shouldn't that girl have gotten shot in the end considering she was directly in the line of fire?

Moving along, we have TEENAGE CAVEMAN.  The director of this one was Larry Clark who is most notorious for making the controversial KIDS.  KIDS worked because the characters were supposed to be stupid and nihilistic.  The situations were supposed to be unpleasant.  The sleaziness was meant to make you feel uncomfortable.  Stupid teens get drunk, get stoned, have sex, & get AIDS.  It was candid and unflinching.  TEENAGE CAVEMAN is supposed to be a sci-fi film about post-apocalyptic teens.  Giving it the KIDS treatment is not appropriate here.  On top of that, much of the dialogue was improvised in order to make it "more authentic."  In other words, the dialogue is even worse than if a lousy screenwriter had written it.  TEENAGE CAVEMAN starts off lame, then it starts to make you feel like you need a bath, then it just turns stupid.  Basically, 20 minutes into the film, all the unknown young actors get naked because after the fall of civilization, man will have forgotten about things like taking a bath and having sex.  I'm not entirely sure because I was barely paying attention at times.  Then, they start doing drugs, getting drunk, and having sex.  Then, they start exploding!  Then, in the last 10 minutes, the bad teen, who looks like the bastard son of Billy Zane and Julian Sands, transforms into the long lost cousin of the Fantastic Four's Thing.

Don't get me wrong, I love young girl's boobies as much as the next guy, but in this movie, it is not only un-sexy, it makes you feel dirty.  That uncomfortable feeling that worked so well in KIDS is completely inappropriate in a schlocky sci-fi movie like this.  It isn't thought provoking and it doesn't succeed as being a cautionary tale like KIDS.  Having seen a few of Clark's films, its apparent that he has a fetish for scenes in which young girls get their cherry popped and complain about how much it hurts.  There's a reason why Clark is mocked as being a pornographer who masquerades as an art house filmmaker.  TEENAGE CAVEMAN is easily the worst movie I've seen so far this year with the exception of TOMB RAIDER, which was the worst movie I saw in a theater.

Finally, there was THE DAY THE WORLD ENDED.  This column's posting was delayed several weeks because I wanted to see this one, which wasn't scheduled to air until the Creature Features' debut on HBO.  I waited for nothing.  This isn't even really a monster movie.  Its more like a really lame Outer Limits episode.  Troubled boy + abusive dad + concerned psychiatrist + psychic link to monster = one really clichéd movie!  What this has to do with the end of the world is anyone's guess!  I must admit I only halfway paid attention to this one because it was so damn boring!  On top of that, the monster has virtually no screen time and when it does appear, you never get a good look at it.  If not for the action figure, (pictured above) you really wouldn't have a clue.  It looks like a revamped version of the tentacle monster from INFRAMAN to me.  Maybe the director was embarrassed by the creature designed so he tried to conceal it.  I got the sense from this one that the filmmaker had the pretenses of making a suspenseful, psychological thriller that happens to have a monster in it.  He failed!  Miserably!

In the 60s, Samuel Z. Arkoff commissioned a filmmaker named Larry Buchanan to make a series of remakes of some of AIP's more popular features.  IT CONQUERED THE WORLD became ZONTAR, THE THING FROM VENUS.  INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN became ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES.  THE SHE CREATURE became CREATURE OF DESTRUCTION.  And so on.  The budgets were even lower than that of the originals (Hard to believe, huh?), but they were almost shot-for-shot remakes.  They are terrible movies!  They are Z-grade films with no redeeming values other than their cheesy badness.  Problem is that the originals & the Buchanan remakes had one thing in common, the production values were so low and the monster designs tended to be either ridiculous or so shoddily made that it ended up giving the movies a goofy charm.  Even though the $2 million budget of each of the Creature Features is far less than the typical Hollywood movie, its still megabucks compared to the typical AIP flick.  Problem is, these movies clearly want to be taken seriously and the effects aren't so bad that they add to the fun.  Instead, you have lame movies with pretty good production values and solid effects.  In other words, pretty much the same kind of dreck Hollywood churns out on a regular basis.  Sadly, Sam's genius skipped a generation.  Son Lou took his dad's schlock and transformed it into pure crap!

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE RAD