"F**K SHAKMA! IT'S A TRASHFILM. I HATE THIS FILM AND THE ACTORS, AND I HATE HUGH PARKS. F**K YOU!" - an email I received on October 3, 2001.

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE CONGO

My first piece of hate mail!  That's the entire content of an actual email I received from someone who read one the archived FOYWONDER columns.  Some people might have been offended or disturbed; I just laughed my ass off.  SHAKMA wasn't a very good movie, but it wasn't that bad!  Who on Earth is Hugh Parks anyway?  I looked him up on IMDB to learn that he was the producer of SHAKMA.  The guy has four or five movies to his producing credit and while none of them seem particularly good, they didn't seem to warrant the kind of venom that this guy emailed me was spewing.  Beware, Mr. Parks, someone out there, possibly in Hungary judging by the author's email address, really, really hates you!  My suggestion, Mr. Parks, is to stay out of Hungary!

THE GOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

Despite the title of this column, I'm actually going to be working my way backward.  I think I just covered the ugly portion, so now for the bad.  On September 16th, Samuel Z. Arkoff passed away.  If you don't know who he is, you should.  Without Samuel Z. Arkoff and his late partner Jim Nicholson, the likes of Roger Corman, Martin Scorcese, Jack Nicholson, Wes Craven, Ralph Bakshi, Woody Allen, Michael Landon, Joe Don Baker, Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello, Peter Fonda, Robert DeNiro, Brian DePalma, and Francis Ford Coppola may never have gotten their big break.  Arkoff and Nicholson founded American International Pictures in 1954.  AIP movies were made cheap, but produced huge profits.  They started the sci-fi, horror, and juvenile delinquency sub-genres of the 1950s.  They introduced the beach blanket genre in the 60s as well as tapping into the drug culture and biker mentality of the era.  They solidified blacksploitation films of the 70s as bankable.  One their last movies, THE AMITYVILLE HORROR, was the highest grossing independent movie until TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES came out.

Arkoff helped bring over sword and sandal flicks from Europe as well as some early Italian horror.  Monster movies like GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER, FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD, and YOG -MONSTER FROM SPACE were amongst their imports from Japan.  They solidified Vincent Price as a horror icon and continued to employ Boris Karloff and Peter Lorre long after the studios considered them has-beens.  They infuriated Walt Disney by having a former Mouseketeer (Funicello) *gasp!* bare her mid-riff on film!  They stunned the major Hollywood studios by cranking out hits, for only a fraction of the cost of the typical Hollywood production.  They invented the double feature and made the drive-in movie a cultural icon.  Starting in 1954 with films like THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, IT CONQUERED THE WORLD, DILLINGER, BEACH BLANKET BINGO, THE TRIP, BLACULA, Q - THE WINGED SERPENT, American International Pictures kept churning them out until the company was finally sold in 1979.

AIP produced over 500 movies, some of which were quite good and some quite awful, but almost all had a certain charm to them that is lacking in modern cinema.  To Samuel Z. Arkoff, "art" was a dirty word.  His main priority was finding out what the audience wanted, especially teens, and tapping into it.  "Thou shalt not put too much money into one picture and with the money you do spend, put it on the screen.  Don't waste money on the egos of actors or nonsense that might appeal to highbrow critics."  Considering the skyrocketing cost of movies today, you can't help but to wish the studios themselves had heeded Arkoff's words.  If you ever get a chance to see a documentary about AIP on American Movie Classics called IT CONQUERED HOLLYWOOD, I implore you to do so.  It does more justice to Mr. Arkoff than I ever could in this column.  Samuel Z. Arkoff was a pioneer and one of a kind.  The just don't make them like him anymore.  In fact, they don't make movies like them anymore either.

Or do they...?

I hereby declare MEGIDDO: THE OMEGA CODE 2 to be the first camp classic of the 21st century!  Don't believe me?  Let me describe for you a scene from the movie and I assure you that I'm not making this up.  The Antichrist and his right hand man are on the balcony of his Roman palace celebrating their world domination as a meteor show is going on in the night sky above them.  The Antichrist looks up at the sky and begins mocking God and challenges God to try and stop him.  Right then, one of the meteors falls from the sky and blows up the Roman Coliseum.  The Antichrist, grinning like he's just inhaled The Joker's "Smile-X gas," looks up to the heavens, raises his fists above his head, and yells, "BRING IT ON!"  Again, this is an actual scene from the movie!  I damn near fell out of my seat laughing!

We interrupt this review for a special report.  Okay, some of you may have already read this review when it first appeared over at Ain't It Cool News.  I was so inspired to write a review for MEGIDDO the night I saw it that I decided to go ahead and send it to Harry Knowles and sure enough it appeared on his site less than 24 hours later.  For those not familiar with www.aintitcoolnews.com let me tell you that they are a highly cynical lot.  The people who respond to the articles in the TALKBACK section are downright ruthless.  You remember that email that I led off with?  That's what the talkback section tends to look like.  Much to my shock, the TALKBACK section to my MEGIDDO review consisted mostly of unanimous praise for me.  If I may pat myself on the back, a couple of people called it the funniest thing they'd ever read on AICN and one even called it the best review he's ever read anywhere.  Several even requested that Harry Knowles hire me and put me on his staff!  Well, the phone hasn't rung yet so I'm still here at the NOWFF site churning my stuff out.  If you read this review at AICN, then take note of the fact that this is the special edition featuring stuff I left out of the original and some corrections that needed to be made.  Mostly grammatical stuff that I botched because that's what happens when you don't bother to proofread before you hit the send button.*  If you've never read this before, I think you're in for a treat.  We know return you to you regularly scheduled program.

*And you don't have a copy editor. -Ed

The movie I speak of is MEGIDDO and it is the sequel to THE OMEGA CODE.  Now if you, like I, saw the original, then you have to be wondering how do you make a sequel to a movie that ended with the destruction of the Antichrist and the second coming of Christ?  The answer: you ignore about 85% of the original and start fresh.  This is actually a good thing because THE OMEGA CODE, despite being a shocking box office success, thanks to a grassroots campaign amongst Christian churches, was absolutely awful.  The production values were mediocre.  If you didn't know it was made in 1999, you would have sworn it was made in the 70's.  The acting, except for one person, was Cinemax After Dark bad.  The script was so terrible you kept looking for Dean Devlin's name somewhere in the credits.  This time, the budget is bigger.  $22 million, I believe.  The cast of the original is nowhere to be found.  No Casper Van Dien.  No Catherine Oxenberg.  No Michael Ironside.  Even all the bible code nonsense that OMEGA CODE was based around is nowhere to be found.  The only holdover is Michael York as Stone Alexander, the man who would be the Antichrist.  York was the best thing about the first film because it was fun watching him chew the scenery.  More on York in a moment.

Before I begin, let me state a few things before I start receiving more hate mail.  I still remember one online critic whose message board got bombarded with messages of "you can't accept the truth" and "you're going to Hell" because he panned the original OMEGA CODE.  I'd rather not see a repeat.  If you don't think there is some like that out there, just take a look at the reviews for OMEGA CODE and MEGIDDO over at Internet Movie Data Base.  With that said, let me begin by stating I am not a Christian.  I was, in fact, brought up Catholic and would fall into the category of non-practicing.  I am inclined to believe in God, but am highly skeptical towards particular doctrines.  I am a very open minded person.  Unlike some people, some who even frequent this site, I don't resent those of Christian faith.  Personally, I think most Christians in this country get a bad rap because of the likes of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and others of their ilk who tend to preach a very narrow minded, exclusionary form of Christianity.

As I've said, THE OMEGA CODE was awful and LEFT BEHIND was simply dull, boring, and surprisingly soulless.  So why did I opt to go see MEGIDDO?  I probably wouldn't have, if not for the blurb AICN posted on the site not too long ago.  Harry Knowles coined the new word "Godspoitation" to describe the genre.  Despite knowing how terrible the original was, the trailer looked like the potential was there for it to be an entertaining movie.  And after this summer, could MEGIDDO possibly be worse than TOMB RAIDER, PLANET OF THE APES, or SWORDFISH?

One more thing, let me post the SPOILER ALERT warning.  I'm going to get into some heavily detailed spoilers, although, I'm not sure you can spoil a movie like MEGIDDO.  Think about it.  It's a movie that was written and produced by fundamentalist Christians about the Book of Revelations.  Do you expect some surprise twist ending where Satan wins or that the Second Coming won't occur?

One amusing note to make before getting into details.  When I saw OMEGA CODE, the only trailer that ran before the movie was for STUART LITTLE.  A Christian movie preceded by a preview of a non-offensive family film.  Not this time.  Considering how some fundamentalists feel that things like DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS and HARRY POTTER are demonic, that LORD OF THE RINGS trailer must have thrilled them!  Considering how much Trinity Broadcasting loves to blast Hollywood for filth, the trailers for the raunchy teen film THE NEW GUY and the upcoming Farrelly Brothers gross-out sex comedy SHALLOW HAL must have reinforced those sentiments.

Down to business.  MEGIDDO isn't so much of a sequel to THE OMEGA CODE as much as its a "reimagining" (Thanks, Tim Burton) of the original.  The movie opens with a passage from the Bible and a scene of Stone Alexander, played by Michael York, on a hill in Israel.  There, it's revealed that MEGIDDO is, according to Hebrew text, the name of the hill where the final battle of Armageddon will take place and he who controls Jerusalem in the final days will rule the world.  Cue title scene.  From then on, we're treated to a series of flashbacks of Stone's childhood.  Nothing like a Christian movie that opens with a scene of a child trying to set his infant brother on fire!  Stone's father is a Rupert Murdock type, who controls a vast media empire and constantly talks about how the media will influence world opinion in the future.  His dad decides to send him to a European military academy because "he needs to learn discipline."  Huh?  He didn't vandalize something!  He tried to burn a baby to death in his crib because he hates his baby brother because mom died during childbirth!  I don't think teaching him to use firearms would be a good thing!

Anyway, the kids at the academy tease him a lot, so he eventually wanders into this old abandoned church seeking refuge.  Out of thin air Udo Kier appears dressed in a black cloak, much like the Emperor from STAR WARS, and is accompanied by two CGI dustballs with skeleton demon dog faces.  Come to think of it, given Kiers goateed Eurotrash look, wearing the cloak makes him a dead ringer for Overlord from YOR, HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE.

 Kier's character is never given a name in the movie and is simply credited as The Guardian in the closing credits.  Anyway, he explains to Stone who and what he is, which the youngster happily accepts.  This contradicts the original where Stone Alexander reacted in disbelief to the notion that he could turn out to be the Antichrist.  From there, the movie continues to chronicle his life and use of his demonic powers, as a young man, intercut with scenes of his rise to power today.  The movie tends to be a bit all over the place at this point, but not overly confusing.  At his graduation from the military academy, his father and younger brother attend.  This leads to an encounter between Stone's younger brother David, now a young man himself, and Stone's girlfriend, Gabriella.  Why Stone, an American who has spent most of his life growing up in Italy, has an English accent is one of life's great mysteries.  It becomes clear that David and Gabriella are instantly attracted to one another and that she's not completely comfortable with Stone.  Stone realizes this and isn't thrilled since he still seems to resent his baby brother.  Stone's dad has reservations of his own about his firstborn, sensing that something just isn't right with him.

Finally, the flashbacks end and we're seemingly back in present times, at a party celebrating Stone Alexander's appointment to the head of the European Union.   He and Gabriella are married, guess she wasn't too uncomfortable around him, and together they have managed to help eradicate world hunger, thanks to some super grain that can grow anywhere and bring about world peace.  Dad and David, who is now a U.S. Senator and played by a rather world-weary looking Michael Biehn, are in attendance.  While Stone and dear old dad meet in private, David and Gabriella, now played by Diane Zenora, continue to flirt.  All I could think was, considering David's age now and the fact that he's a Senator, shouldn't this guy be married with kids?  And at the risk of sounding shallow, Miss Zenora is not a particularly attractive woman.  The stuff between the two of them is the worst aspect of the film and the audience is treated to numerous scenes between David and Gabriella all of which have zero chemistry.

Meanwhile, Stone's dad tells him that he's going to amend his will so that his vast media empire is given away to "the people."  Stone isn't pleased because he needs the power of the media to continue his rise to power.  Now this is the one aspect of the movie that I found offensive.  There's a lot of preaching, in the early parts of this movie, about the power of the media and most of it is negative.  Knowing this movie was produced by Trinity Broadcasting, and knowing how they feel about the secular liberal media, or whatever derogatory term they're using to describe it at this moment, it becomes oblivious what the subtext is.  Mainstream media is wicked, but TBN is home to the undistorted truth.  This was the only aspect of the film that came across to me as flagrant propaganda and it was utterly gratuitous.  Anyway, Stone tells his dad how much he's always hated him and hurls him off the balcony.  We see that this is caught on tape by a security camera.  Get the feeling this will come into play later on...?  Apparently, Stone gains control of the Media Empire while David is left suspicious that daddy's death plunge wasn't an accident.

We then jump ahead a few more years because you just can't get enough flashbacks crammed into the first half-hour of a movie.  Geez!  Do you realize how many times the phrase TEN YEARS LATER appears at the bottom of the screen during the first 30 minutes of the film?  Now we are finally in the present, which, for those of us in the real world, would be the future although an exact date is never actually given.  Up until this point, the movie has kept a straight face.  It's been standard stuff except for the appearance of "Emperor Palpatine" and the demonic dust balls.  It's at this point any pretense of being a serious Apocalyptic thriller are thrown out the window because the plot starts taking a turn for the ludicrous.  More importantly, the shackles of restraint are removed from Michael York.  In the first film, York merely hammed it up.  He chewed the scenery every chance he got.  This time, York not only chews the scenery, he swallows!  This is one of the greatest pieces of over-acting ever to grace a movie screen!  If you think Jeremy Irons was over the top in DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS, you ain't seen nuthin' yet!  This is like Jeremy Irons D&D overacting on speed!  He's like Vincent Price and Vince McMahon all rolled into one!  This movie is Tokyo and Michael York is Godzilla!  If York had a mustache, he'd twirl it!  MICHAEL YORK GIVES A PERFORMANCE SO HAMMY THAT JEWS WILL BE FORBIDDEN TO VIEW THIS MOVIE!  I know I used this phrase to describe Irons' D&D performance, but it applies once again.  On top of that, Udo Kier, whose sole job in this movie is to dress like Roy Orbison and look sinister, constantly flanks York.

Stone Alexander has become so powerful and revered that he's single handedly managed to create a one-world government.  National borders have been erased and the world has been divided into a handful of zones.  The only holdouts are China, the Latin territories which consist of Mexico and Central and South America, and North America which consists of the U.S. and Canada, although Canada is never actually mentioned and seemingly get no say in North American affairs.  This should thrill Canadian viewers, especially those special "Canucks" who have tendencies to feel superior to Americans.  Numerous scenes ensue of Stone Alexander addressing the masses and each time he speaks like a raving megalomaniac, yet nobody seems to notice, except for the President of the United States, the Premier of China, and David Alexander.  In One speech he claims that he doesn't want to be a dictator, but even then that's exactly what he sounds like.  There's a lot of imagery that's designed to make you think of Nazi Germany as the movie progresses.

In one of the greatest casting choices ever, R. Lee Ermey plays the President of the United States!  Hot damn!  The drill sergeant from FULL METAL JACKET is the Commander In Chief!  I'd vote for him!  Oh, and David Alexander is now the Vice-President.  Again, I ask how a man of his age in these times could get elected to the second highest office in the land without being married?  Especially considering that he'd have to be a Republican because I'll be damned if I'm ever going to believe that R. Lee Ermey would play a Democratic President!  So anyway, after asking David if he believes in the Virgin Mary and slapping shit out of him a few times, they jet off to Europe to meet with Stone who is threatening an embargo against the U.S. if they don't agree to join.  One of the funniest things about the screenplay is how they go out of their way not to use any profanity except for some references to Hell.  Thinking back to Ermey's dialogue in FULL METAL JACKET, then listening to him in this movie talking about "blowing smoke up your hind quarters" and referring to the U.S. as the "United BLESSED States" you can't help but to giggle.

The Prez turns down Stone and they shake hands.  Moments later, Ermey drops dead from a heart attack thanks to some evil mojo.  That's it?!?!  You got R. Lee Ermey as the President and you kill him off in five BLESSED minutes???  That's just not right!  Now that David has become President, he and Stone engage in the first of what will be several Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker style "come to the darkside" exchanges.  Much like young Skywalker, David refuses.  Imagine how much more entertaining these scenes would have been if it had York and Ermey dueling with swords.  Udo Kier then utters one of his only lines when he advises Stone to kill David, but Stone refuses because David will come around when it's time.  Oh, did I forget to mention that he tries to blackmail David using the surveillance video from the night that their father died, which has been doctored to show David tossing dad off the balcony instead of Stone?

Back in the U.S., President Alexander is informed by the Secretary of State that the World Union has begun the embargo and pleads with David to accept Stone's offer.  Gabriella continues to become suspicious that something isn't right with Stone.  Considering the way he rants and raves and the way he treats her it should be obvious.  Even though Gabriella is the woman who spearheaded the charge to eradicate world hunger, it becomes painfully obvious that she simply is not very bright.  Its around this time that the "BRING IT ON!" scene takes place.  After which, all hell breaks loose as natural disasters of every kind begin happening en masse.  Even plagues begin to break out.

The whole world looks to Stone to save them.  He offers disaster relief aid to China, North America, and the Latin territories if they join.  Of course, they refuse.  In a scene that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, Stone, dressed like Kolchak: The Night Stalker, speaks to a mass of impoverished Africans.  I'm amazed York didn't experience a stroke as he goes so far off the deep end screaming at the top of his lungs about how he is their new God.  Why is he pissed off at these people?  I must have missed something somewhere.  The scene ends with him going apeshit and shooting a beam of light out of his finger into the clouds causing bolts of lightening to start zapping people at random.  First of all, this scene makes zero sense.  Secondly, the world doesn't know York's true nature, but you'd think everyone would be a bit curious as to how and why the most powerful man on Planet Earth fired a laserblast from his fingertips.  It's virtually ignored afterwards.

The next two sequences are what elevate this movie to the heights of absurdity!  These two segments of the movie rank it, in my humble opinion, on par with such inspired lunacy as INFRAMAN!  Here goes:  The Secretary of State appears on the major TV networks broadcasting the phony footage of David Alexander murdering his father.  David acts shocked by what he's seeing.  Why are you surprised?  He did threaten to use this footage against you, dumbass!  We're never privy to any scenes where David tells anyone about Stone's blackmail scheme, yet none of the Secret Service agents or administrators with him so much as bat an eye when they see the footage on TV.  Even though he never ever expressly denies the accusation, everyone at his side immediately rallies behind him without being given any explanation whatsoever!  Did we skip a scene?  Even more unbelievable, the Secretary of State announces that the Justice Department has issued a warrant for his arrest.  The film immediately cuts to the gates of the mansion (Camp David perhaps, because its certainly not the White House?) that the President is staying at, as FBI agents show up to arrest him.  WTF?!

Funny, I remember back in civics class learning how a sitting President could not be charged with a crime and that it would take an act of Congress to remove him from office.  In one of the most gloriously ludicrous moments ever put to film, the FBI agents get into a gun battle with the Secret Service while the President and his trusted assistant make a mad dash to escape by chopper.  Where are they headed...?  To a U.S. aircraft carrier off the coast of Italy to plan an assault on the World Union.  There we find out that the Secretary of State has assumed the Presidency.  What's absolutely terrifying about this movie is knowing that the people involved in the writing and producing department are evangelical Christians, who are actively involved in and highly influential to the American political scene, yet none of them seem to know a damned thing about the U.S. Constitution or the line of succession!  This is un-BLESSED-believable!

By the way, the military types on the aircraft carrier fully support David and are ready for him to lead the attack against Stone.  They don't care that he's no longer the President!  They don't care that he hasn't given them any explanation as to what the hell is going on!  They don't care that they don't have authorization from the U.S. government!  They just want to blow some shit up dammit!  Meanwhile, speaking with the Chinese premier via videophone, Stone is angered to hear that even with the all the disasters besetting the Chinese people, they still refuse to join in exchange for aid.  In this movie, China is presented as one of the good guys.  The Chinese premier seems like a nice compassionate guy who's concerned with his nation's personal freedom and not as a hard-line Communist which is what he would be.  Now this is science fiction!

As soon as he ends the call, Stone decides they need a little more suffering to convince them to join.  So, Stone, with the added help of some Udo Kier nastiness, opens his mouth and begins to spit out a swarm of flying insects.  (I know the Bible speaks of locusts, but they sounded more like bees to me.)  The bugs immediately fly out his palace window and arrive in China to wreak havoc.  The only thing missing was Stone Alexander screaming "fly, my pretties" as the swarm took off.  Almost as laughable is the Chinese Premier staring out the window at the attacking swarm.  He's so mellow in his reaction.  None of this strikes him as unusual?  You'd think he was staring out the window at a rain shower.  Everyone needs to see this movie, just to experience these few minutes of film for themselves.  This alone is worth the price of admission.

Yes, I know I've dragged this review out far longer than any review for this movie should be so I'm going to put it in fast forward.  Brace yourself.  Hyperthrust!  Cleared and counting!  5-4-3-2-1!  Several CGI gunships attack the palace while David leads a platoon inside.  Stone isn't home, but is kind enough to leave a forwarding address.  They find Gabriella locked in a dungeon.  She witnessed Stone's Candyman impression and so Udo Kier did something to her.  We don't know what it was, but having realized who and what Stone really is, and after reciting some biblical prophecy to David, she dies.  David ends up in a church in Rome where he's recognized by the priest played by F. Murray Abraham who, judging by his maniacal bug-eyes, must have a thyroid problem.  He begins reciting biblical prophecy about Armageddon and really freaks David out.  When you see how this scene is played out, you'd have been freaked out too.  This scene also marks one of the only moments in the film where any non-Protestant religion is acknowledged.  Except for one piece of stock footage of Jews praying at the Wailing Wall, there doesn't seem to be any Jews in Israel.  Also, there doesn't appear to be any Muslims in the Middle East.  Odd, huh?

Later, David is in Israel awaiting Chinese and Latin armies to join his rogue U.S. troops to finally defeat the New World Order.  About damn time somebody stopped Hollywood Hogan and Scott Steiner!  In a scene so clumsily executed they might as well have had the words RELIGIOUS MESSAGE appear at the bottom of the screen, David asks God for help.  Apparently God told David to go akillin' because he takes a pistol, sneaks into Stone's camp, and attempts to assassinate him.  Well, he flubs that big time and gets captured.  Stone Alexander has now gone full-on Hitler and his addressing the troops is very reminiscent of the Third Reich.  Actually, as this scene went on, I began having a flashback to something from my childhood.  I'd have given anything if York had concluded his addressing the troops by yelling "COOOOOBRAAAAAA!"  Also, let me go on the record stating that the World Union forces have the ugliest uniforms in history of modern armies.  The tops are sort of a blue/tan color where as the pants looked like some putrid mixture of lavender and maroon.  Mr. Blackwell would certainly put them on the worst dressed list!

War ensues.  Correction:  Very boring battle scenes take place.  With the exception of one nice P.O.V. shot of an attacking jet, the final battle of Armageddon is about as thrilling as the finale of MEGAFORCE.  Sadly, there are no motorcycles shooting colored smoke.  A tank mortar nails the bunker that Stone is in.  David approaches, thinking Stone has finally been killed, but guess who walks out unscathed?  Just for the record, the original ending to END OF DAYS had Arnie blowing up Satan with a rocket launcher, but test audiences laughed it out of the theater.  It was changed to Arnie asking God for help and sacrificing himself to stop the evil one.  At least the makers of MEGIDDO were smarter than the screenwriter of END OF DAYS!

Stone steps out, cackling, and finally unveils his true self to David.  In the first movie, Stone Alexander was the Antichrist, but this is a sequel so you have to go one better.  This time, Stone Alexander is Satan himself!  Right then, he transforms into The Beast.  The CGI of his gargoyle form are actually not that bad even though the animation is obvious.  It's really no worse than much of what appeared in THE MUMMY RETURNS.  Actually, it resembles one of the monsters from the video game TEKKEN.  Perhaps Michael Biehn should have put on a tiger mask and kung fued its ass!  More importantly, The Beast still possesses the voice of Michael York so even the CGI is given the opportunity to overact!  It's Lucifer - gone Tex Avery!

The tide begins to turn towards the forces of evil.  The sun has been blocked out by darkness.  David is dealt a potentially fatal wound.  The Beast declares victory.  Just then, God decapitates the Kurgan and experiences the Quickening because there can be only one true God!  Well, that's what it looks like!  The sky explodes with light.  Some very RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK-esque rays of light begin striking the bad guys dead including Udo Kier.  Kier's character dies much as he lived, just standing there doing as little as possible.  The Beast is paralyzed by the light, drops to his knees, and declares that "the Nazarene" is the true lord.  Let me state that the name Jesus Christ is never uttered once in this Christian movie.  You see paintings and crucifixes, but no one ever utters the name.  York refers to Christ as "The Nazarene" a couple of times, but no formal name is ever used.  Guess even the filmmakers wanted to keep it somewhat secular for broader appeal, huh?

Just then, BEAST WARS Satan is struck by another massive blast of light that creates what looks like a gigantic hole that oil drilling would create.  As The Beast falls into it, you can't help but have flashbacks to the end of GODZILLA 1985.  To top it off, it seems that Hell really is in the center of the Earth because we see The Beast climb out of a lava flow only do discover that he's chained down there for eternity.  I then had another childhood flashback, this time to the late 80s toyline/cartoon INHUMANOIDS!  If they ever remade INHUMANOIDS in the computer-animated style of BEAST WARS, this scene is exactly what it would look like.  Michael Biehn lives.  Evil is vanquished.  The Lord has returned.  The movie is over!

Okay, let me say this first. I've seen several reviews over at IMDB from evangelical types talking about how great this movie is.  To them I say, you really need to get out more often.  With all due respect, if you think this movie is a serious piece of cinema, then I can only imagine how much you'd love a really good movie dealing with the same subject matter.  Hell, even that lame Demi Moore movie THE SEVENTH SIGN treated the apocalypse with more seriousness.  In fact, what would have been hysterical would have been if the movie opened with Jerry Falwell sitting at desk, Criswell-style, telling us how this movie is a 100% accurate depiction of things to come.  Falwell predicts!  With that said, I have to admit that I enjoyed the hell out of this movie.  Almost all the credit goes to Michael York.  His overacting is priceless and it's obvious that he's having the time of his life playing this character.  No matter how lame the dialogue is, no matter how far over the top he goes, every second that Michael York is on screen in this film you will be entertained!  God bless you, Michael York!

Everyone else, save for R. Lee Ermey, is actually pretty flat, but none of that matters.  For all the good intentions of making a serious Apocalyptic Christian thriller, this movie is the kind of fun, overtly campy, old fashioned b-movie that rarely gets made anymore.  MEGIDDO is NIGHT OF THE LEPUS!  MEGIDDO is THE GREEN SLIME!  MEGIDDO is Q - THE WINGED SERPENT!  MEGIDDO is THEATER OF BLOOD!  MEGIDDO is GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER!  The director of MEGIDDO previously made LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE and let me say, the Leprechaun movies only wish they were as much fun as this movie.  After the terrible events of 9/11, this movie was exactly what I needed.  I didn't walk out feeling spiritually fulfilled, as I'm sure the makers of MEGIDDO intended, but my spirits were definitely lifted!  MEGIDDO is the first true camp classic of the 21st century.  Somewhere in heaven, Samuel Z. Arkoff is smiling!

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE
WARLOCK: THE ARMAGEDDON