"Hat By Don Leifert" - From the closing credits of GALAXY INVADER

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY & I PAID TO SEE DR. GIGGLES

Captain Procrastination here, having taken a little over two months to write this next column so I have to make up for lost time by giving my thoughts on NOWFF 11 and this year's crop of summer movies.  A fitting title for this column would have to be:

A CRAPTACULAR SUMMER

The difference between the movies shown at NOWFF and the movies shown at your local Cineplex this summer is that the movies run at NOWFF were known way ahead of time to be really, really bad.  The Hollywood blockbusters were just really, really bad.  So bad that Hollywood needed fake movie critics trying to convince us otherwise.  Now that's bad!  Sure many of these movies broke box office records when they opened, but seeing as how that seems to happen all the time now, who gives a rat's ass!  Can't help but to chuckle when Entertainment Tonight gets all giddy reporting about some movie being "the biggest non-holiday, opening day gross in the month of July for a non-sequel who's title begins with the letter P!"  Whoopty shit!  Crap is crap no matter how much it grosses!  But for the moment, let's take a look at the movies shown at NOWFF 11:

GALAXY INVADER - This movie was actually much worse than I remembered it to be, but it still had a goofy charm.  I had totally forgotten about the alien weapon, which was basically a Nintendo light gun powered by a glowing wiffle ball.  Of note, one should keep an eye out in the video store for a movie from the same director made a few year's before called NIGHT BEAST, which is more or less the same exact movie only with lots of blood and gore.  And yes, "Hat By Don Leifert" is actually in the closing credits because that was a damn fine hat.  Upon seeing it, I actually managed to start a brief, but vocal chant of "HAT!... HAT!... HAT!... HAT!"

EQUINOX - Why Satan chose to take the form of a park ranger named Mr. Asmodeus remains anyone's guess.  I'm not positive, but I think the moral to the movie is that Satan is a really bad kisser.  Again, I managed to rally my section of the audience.  Twice in the movie, the evil park ranger/Satan is thwarted by the mere sight of a crucifix worn by one of the female characters, to which I yelled out "Let's give Jesus a round of applause" and much to my shock, they did... both times!  Now for those of you who were there, you may have noticed that something from a production standpoint went a little wrong with this movie at the very end.  Having seen this movie when it was aired on AMC a few months earlier, I assure you that it too ended with a highway safety film.  I don't get it either.  Must have been some sort of artistic statement by the filmmakers.

NIGHT OF THE LEPUS - Giant rabbits on the rampage, what more can you want?  Imagine my shock to see in the opening credits that this film is actually based on a novel titled "The Year Of The Angry Rabbit."  I have to find a copy of this book!  I'm telling you, this would make a great tabletop miniatures role-playing game!

THE TWONKY - This was the movie that I brought to NOWFF and much to my surprise, they brought me up on stage to introduce it.  I wasn't prepared, but I think I did a fine job winging it.  Despite the audience disagreeing with me, I stand by my opinion that this movie is worse than SEVEN DWARFS TO THE RESCUE.


VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS - Sadly, I missed most of this one when I stepped out to get a bite to eat.  I only saw about the last 20 minutes and I could tell I missed a good one.  At least I got to see Prof. Griffin's terrific opener for the flick.

JOURNEY TO THE 7TH PLANET - Why didn't I pick this one to go get some grub?  Boy, aside from THE TWONKY, this was the true stink bomb of the festival.  The crowd was launching Uranus jokes left and right, but clearly the filmmakers were smarter or dumber than all of us, seeing as how the movie had A LOT of homoerotic undertones to it.  I keep trying to envision the movie RED PLANET and having Val Kilmer planning to take a nap by laying his head on Benjamin Bratt's crotch!  Actually, that probably would have made it a more entertaining movie.

PUFNSTUF - It's like being stoned only without actually having to be stoned.  I think only INFRAMAN can beat this one in the berserkness department.  Actually, INFRAMAN is also more coherent too!  Now that's saying something!  This is one of those movies that cannot be properly described with words.  It must be seen to be believed.  You can find this one on the shelves at your local Blockbuster.  I dare you to rent it and watch it 100% sober.

Well, now that NOWFF 11 is history, they've already begun to threaten us with possibilities for NOWFF 12.  THE KILLER SHREWS, TERROR IN THE SWAMP, and one of the Japanese STARMAN movies are allegedly on tap for next year.  I have a few suggestions of my own to pitch to the NOWFF staff as well.  Does the movie SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS ring a bell?  How about STAR CRASH or YOR, HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE?  And when will El Santo finally make his debut at NOWFF?  There is so much untapped potential out there.  MEGAFORCE, anyone?

As mentioned earlier, NOWFF 11 wasn't the only place to see truly awful movies one after another this summer.  All you had to do was go to your local movie theater and you could witness for yourself the cinematic abortions that Hollywood shoved down our collective throats during this Summer of Bad.  Damn, was this the worst summer movie season ever or what?  Just one crappy movie after another, week after week.  Let's check my personal scorecard in no particular order:

THE MUMMY RETURNS  (C-)  See my previous column for my actual thoughts.

A KNIGHT'S TALE  (C-)  Again, see my previous column for details.

SHREK  (B+)  Somehow, Hollywood actually managed to make at least one good movie this summer.  Kids could enjoy it and it was smart enough for adults to enjoy as well.

SWORDFISH  (D+)  Halle Berry gets nekkid.  Wolverine proves once and for all that typing on a keyboard really fast is neither suspenseful nor exciting.  John Travolta makes another lousy movie in which he constantly flashes that shit-eatin' grin of his.  Oh, and the plot makes virtually no sense.  Was that simple enough for ya?

CATS and DOGS  (B+)  God help me, but I enjoyed this movie a lot.  Here was one that was actually clever and had the added luxury of having a really good villain.  Granted some of the family moments got sappy at times, but how can you not like a movie that portrays Siamese cats as knife-wielding ninjas.

SCARY MOVIE 2  (D-)  In the end, I loathed the first film, but it did have a few funny moments early on.  This one has A funny moment.  Just one!  That's it! I sat in a theater that didn't explode with laughter except for one time.  Otherwise, you could literally hear the jokes make a THUD noise as they bombed one after another.  Not since WILD, WILD WEST has such deafening silence been heard after an attempt at humor.

FINAL FANTASY  (B-)  The animation was superb.  The story was good, yet greatly flawed.  It wanted to be smart and thought philosophical like some of the better Japanese anime.  Sadly, the Hollywood clichés kept getting in the way dragging the film down.  Just once I'd like to see a sci-fi movie where the military guy in charge doesn't want to just obliterate everything regardless of the consequences.

RUSH HOUR 2  (B-)  An amusing time at the movies, but not as funny as the first.  Jackie Chan isn't allowed much in the way of fancy stunt work and Chris Tucker continues to prove that he is the most annoying person on the planet.  Memo to Mr. Tucker, your lines aren't going to be any funnier just because you scream them out.

PLANET OF THE APES  (D)  They screwed it up!  Those damn, dirty, Hollywood execs, they screwed it up!  That's all I'm going to say about this one, otherwise I'll end up going on a long, drawn out rant.  WORST ENDING EVER!

A.I.  (C+)  And the first runner-up for the worst ending ever goes to Steven Spielberg's tribute to the late Stanley Kubrick.  I thought 3/3 of this movie was fantastic, but then Senõr Spielbergo decided to add a fourth act by tacking on one of the worst 25 minute movie sequences ever.  If you've seen the movie, you know what I mean.  If not, I won't spoil it for you so you can eventually see it for yourself and roll you eyes or vomit (you decide) at every waking second of it.  Steven decides he wants to send the audience home happy, but only succeeds to leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

JURASSIC PARK 3  (C)  - Since Senõr Spielbergo was busy playing 2001, a not-nearly-as-well-known director took the helm of Jurassic Park 3.  The good news is that this one is much better than LOST WORLD:JURASSIC PARK.  Then again, that doesn't say much does it?  Basically, JP3 is really just the first two done all over again only with less dialogue, more running, less story, and more screaming.  This thing also clocks in at right around 90 minutes so its much shorter as well.  Now here's what I want to know: How was that kid able to survive 6 weeks on the island when heavily armed individuals are killed mere minutes after arriving on it?  At least in ALIENS, Newt was clearly traumatized by her ordeal.  This kid acts almost as if he's merely gotten lost in the woods for a few days.  As annoying as cell phones are, I think it's a bit much to expect us to believe that you could hear one ringing, loud & clear, from inside the belly of a Spinosaurus several hundred yards away.  And when Sam Neil blew into that velociraptor voice box model, wouldn't it have been much more entertaining if he had unknowingly made the sound that is the raptor's signal to kill?  I know I would have liked that better.

TOMB RAIDER  (F-)  Hands down, the worst movie of the summer and easily the worst movie I've seen so far this year.  You see that letter grade correctly.  An F isn't strong enough to state how much I hated this movie.  This movie wasn't just dumb and poorly written, it was boring.  I kept having visions of that AVENGERS movie while watching this atrocity.  This, too, is an incoherent, boring mess featuring jokes that aren't funny and action scenes that are anything but exciting.  In terms of video game movies, I dare say that this one is even worse than DOUBLE DRAGON.  It's even worse than that virtually unwatchable Jean Claude Van Damm STREETFIGHTER movie!  You literally have to ask yourself if anyone involved with the project actually bothered to read the screenplay, consider whether there was anything in it that even remotely resembled entertainment value, and then vomited!

You may have noticed a very prominent omission from my list.  No, I have not seen PEARL HARBOR aka PEARL HORROR aka TORABLE! TORABLE! TORABLE!  I just could not bring myself to endure this three-hour cinematic abortion even if the attack sequence was well done.  Not going to see it ever!  Not going to watch it on video and I'm not going to watch it even when it plays on TV.  Even I have my standards!

Now, as I look to the next month or so, I see but one movie that actually piques my interest and that movie is JEEPERS CREEPERS.  It opens August 31st and I keep hearing good word of mouth.  Thanks, God!  We need a good monster movie for a change.  Hell, we need a good movie period!  To paraphrase the comic book guy from The Simpsons "Worst summer movie season ever!"

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE
TARZAN AND THE LOST CITY