MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE
MOM AND DAD SAVE THE WORLD

It's been announced that Hollywood is once again heading down the pointless remake highway.  Amongst the films awaiting impending massacre are TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, AIRPLANE, and (I'm not making this one up) WALKING TALL.  Now while WALKING TALL was definitely a big hit before I was born, it is very dated by today's standards.  I had this whole comedy shtick worked out for this column placing odds on who would get horribly miscast in the role of real-life redneck lawman Buford Pusser, made famous by Joe Don Baker, but then I found out that they were in talks to cast Matthew McConoughey.  It also seems as though the villain, played in the original by James Caan, will now be played by Chris Klein thus marking the second time that Klein would be utterly miscast in a role originated by Caan, the first being the current box office abomination ROLLERBALL.  No comedy bit I write could possibly be funnier than the crappy miscasting that is already taking place.  Somebody needs to break it to the producers that a tale of redneck justice will not appeal to the Total Request Live crowd no matter who you cast.

WILFORD BRIMLEY ON STEROIDS

Terry Bollea AKA "Sterling Golden" AKA "Terry Boulder" AKA "Hulk Hogan" AKA "The Hulkster" AKA "Hollywood Hogan" is without a doubt the most famous wrestler turned actor turned back to wrestler after realizing the acting thing wasn't going to catapult his stardom or income any further.  Sure The Rock is in the process of trying to steal that mantle away from Mr. Hogan, but he's not quite there yet and if the advance word of mouth on THE SCORPION KING is true, he may not get much further.  Perhaps one day, I'll be able to write a column about the cinematic misadventures of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, but for now this column takes a look at Hulkamania's disastrous attempt to run wild in Hollywood.

Back in 1983 World Wrestling Federation owner Vince McMahon chose Hulk Hogan as the man to build his promotion around during his bid to bring the once regional business of professional wrestling to the national level.  It worked and The Hulkster, his "24 inch pythons," and his constant use of the words "dude" and "brutha" in every sentence and became a pop culture phenom.  Toys, ice cream bars, lunch boxes, vitamins, and a Saturday morning cartoon were amongst the many things to pop in the era of Hulkamania.  And just like so many others who have found success in a non-acting field, The Hulkster set his sight to crossover into the realm of cinema.  As we all know, only a handful have actually found success making the transition and even fewer have garnered respectability.  For Hulk Hogan, the road to bad movie icon all began with ROCKY 3, which also starred good buddy and one time tag team partner Mr. T.  In it, Hulk played the role of "Thunderlips," a flamboyant wrestler who battles Rocky Balboa in a charity fight.  The role was small, didn't require that much from Hogan, and may actually be the most memorable thing about the movie, but also the highlight of his film career.  This and his few guest appearances on The A-Team led to him getting the acting bug and the delusion that he could actually carry a film.  Unfortunately for us, Vince McMahon and the then fledgling New Line Cinema also suffered from the same delusion.

In 1989, the "immortal" Hulk Hogan would finally get to live his dream by starring in his first motion picture, the immortally awful NO HOLDS BARRED.  In it, Hogan played wrestling champion Rip Thomas, who essentially is the same person as Hulk except his name is Rip Thomas and has a weakling kid brother as a cornerman.  Now keep in mind, Vince McMahon hadn't yet fully exposed the wrestling business as being the choreographed spectacle with predetermined outcomes that we all know it is so pro wrestling in NO HOLDS BARRED was portrayed as a legit fighting art.  However, that aspect is actually the least of the film's problems.  Hogan has never been regarded as a particularly talented wrestler and it's soon obvious that his acting skills are even poorer.  Who am I kidding? He makes Dennis Rodman and Madonna look like Robert DeNiro and Meryl Streep in comparison.  Hell, the guy can't even convincingly play the part of a wrestler that is clearly based on himself!

Vince McMahon served as a producer/financer of this film and played a role in development of the script.  That explains why it's the tale of a megalomaniacal TV magnate who's ratings are down due to the massive ratings brought in by a rival network's wrestling program starring Rip.  (More on this "art imitates life" aspect in a moment.)  When Rip refuses to jump ship, shoving a big money check down the mogul's throat no less, the dastardly billionaire brings in the psychotic wrestler known as Zeus.  Zeus is essentially Rip's equally roided up, black, one eye-browed, 100% bald doppelganger who, by the way, has just gotten out of prison for killing another wrestler in the ring or something like that. After some laughable attempts at romance between Hulk and Joan Severence, a botched kidnapping plot, the savage beating of the little brother, a blackmail scheme, and repeated uses of the term "jock ass," Rip is finally forced to face Zeus in mortal combat on the evil exec's brilliantly titled "Battle of the Tough Guys" TV special.  The match is held in a six-sided ring in front of an audience who thinks going to a wrestling match is a black tie affair.  The actual wrestling match consists almost entirely of punching, shoving, double axe-handle blows, and smashing one another into the turnbuckles, which then crumble, in slow motion, like a building Godzilla has just knocked over.  After many boring minutes of this, they brawl out into the crowd causing the overdressed socialites to flee in terror.  In the end, Rip causes the TV mogul to get electrocuted and essentially kills Zeus by sending him off a balcony and crashing through the ring below, thus committing two acts of manslaughter in the film's final 5 minutes.  This makes NO HOLDS BARRED a terrific family film for kid's who idolized Hogan.  As if the movie fight wasn't crappy enough, the non-wrestler actor who portrayed Zeus, Tiny Lister, briefly showed up in the WWF in his Zeus persona to help promote the film by challenging Hogan to a series of matches where, once again, the only true loser was the audience.

Now the reason I mentioned Vince McMahon's role behind the scenes is because at the time, Ted Turner had recently purchased the rival World Championship Wrestling, which aired on his networks and was the only real competition for the WWF.  Ironically, a few years later, Hogan would jump ship to WCW and not long after becoming the evil Hollywood Hogan and forming the New World Order, WCW actually began surpassing the WWF to the point that the WWF almost went out of business.  Fortunately for McMahon, he would soon discover that tits and ass, vulgar catchphrases, beer drinking rednecks, and Jerry Springer-like chaos was far more profitable than having a cartoonish, roided up wrestler telling kids to train, say their prayers, and take their vitamins could ever be.  Of course, I also bring up McMahon's involvement in the movie to point out that the XFL was hardly his first disastrous foray outside of the world "sports entertainment."  The final irony, NO HOLDS BARRED has of late found itself in heavy rotation on the Turner networks. Guess something had to replace BEASTMASTER and JAWS.

Getting back to Hogan, the horrendous reviews and lackluster box office weren't enough to convince Hogan not to quit his day job or to persuade some moronic New Line Cinema executive that maybe Hogan just isn't movie star material.  Two years later, SUBURBAN COMMADO arrived in theaters.  The good news, it was actually a better movie than NO HOLDS BARRED.  The bad news, that's not saying much, now is it?  In it, Hogan does not play a wrestler but an intergalactic hero with the "you've got to be kidding me" name of Shep Ramsey.  He arrives on Earth for the first time to hunt down an evil Danny Devito lookalike named General Suitor and ends up the houseguest of Christopher Lloyd and Shelley Duvall.  If you want a clue as to the mentality of the movie, once scene has Hogan in a video arcade playing a Space Invaders-style game so well that the machine opens up and waves a white flag in surrender.  Too it's credit, there is one sequence that involves our hero battling some flying henchmen wearing rocket boots and, shockingly, it's executed better than the flying boot stuff in STAR TREK 5.  Also, the design of the reptilian monster that General Suitor transforms into at the end is actually kinda cool.  However, that is small consolation for having to sit through this joyless dreck.

One thing I'll never be able to forget was seeing Hulk Hogan on Entertainment Tonight promoting SUBURBAN COMMANDO and repeatedly stating how he'd like to be a "John Wayne for the 90's."  I kid you not!  Those were his actual words!  First of all, even though John Wayne certainly made his fair share of bad movies, I seriously doubt even he would have agreed to appear in the movies Hogan has made.  Secondly, John Wayne really made a name for himself by making westerns and war movies.  Perhaps if Hogan was appearing in A FISTFUL OF STEROIDS or THE FLYING HULKAMANIACS instead of crappy kiddie flicks like NO HOLDS BARRED and SUBURBAN COMMANDO he might at least be in the same ballpark.  Although, seeing Hogan with a Fu Manchu mustache playing Genghis Khan in a remake of THE CONQUEROR might be perversely entertaining.

Believe it or not, somebody at New Line Cinema was still convinced that Terry "Hulk" Hogan was a draw and green lighted MR. NANNY.  Okay, I have not seen MR. NANNY.  I have viewed maybe 5 minutes of the film.  I've had numerous opportunities to see this movie, but I just can't bring myself to do so.  Here's what I do know.  Hogan plays an ex-wrestler hired to be the bodyguard for some software developer's unruly kids, but he ends up also having to baby sit them after the brats run off their nanny.  Some HOME ALONE inspired antics ensue, Hogan wears a tutu, and joins forces with TV's George Jefferson himself, Sherman Hemsley, to protect them from the evil David Johansen AKA Buster Poindexter, the singer who's only hit was "Hot, Hot, Hot." *  I think that's all that you need to know to help you make up your mind about this film.

*The FoyWonders use of the word "hit" here is questionable.  "Buster Poindexter" never broke the Billboard top 40 with his forgettable musical effort.  -Ed

MR. NANNY pretty much put an end to Hogan's big screen career, (or so we thought!), but not the end of Hogan the actor.  Instead of being tormented with a really crappy movie every 2 years, Hogan joined forces with the producers of Baywatch and teamed up with Jack Lemmon's infinitely untalented son, Chris, to torment us on a weekly basis with the alleged action adventure series Thunder In Paradise.  Most people compared this show to Knight Rider, but that show was actually campy fun whereas this show was just painfully bad.  Basically, it was Street Hawk with a speedboat instead of a motorcycle.  If you never saw Thunder In Paradise during its brief run, you're lucky.  If you did, I feel your pain.

EdWood Hogan would make one final attempt at being a big screen stardom in 1996, although its theatrical release was very, very limited, with the astonishingly bad SANTA WITH MUSCLES, a movie that rivals SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS for the worst Santa themed holiday movie ever made.  JESUS CHRIST, YOU WOULD PRETTY MUCH HAVE TO BE ANALLY VIOLATED WITH A GARDEN WEASEL OR BE GIVEN A COLONOSCOPY BY EDWARD SCISSORHANDS TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING MORE PAINFUL THAN EXPERIENCING THIS ABOMINATION!!!**

**NOTE TO SELF: Increase Foy's Lithium dosage.  -Ed.

Okay, I'm better now.  I had to get that out of my system.  Let me make this brief.  Hogan, whose acting prowess actually seems to have gotten worse at this point if that's at all possible, plays a muscle bound, vitamin manufacturing millionaire who finds himself fleeing from the law after a paintball game gets way out of hand (Don't ask!) and ducks into a shopping mall where he disguises himself by putting on a Santa suit only to get whacked on the head and wakes up thinking he really is Santa.  The once Scrooge-like lunkhead tears the sleeves off his Santa suit to show off his muscles and proceeds to thwarts some robbers and spread some Christmas cheer before joining forces with former Saturday Night Live cast member and co-star of the killer yogurt classic THE STUFF, Garrett Morris (Because Sherman Hemsley wasn't available?) to save an orphanage from the evil Ed Begley Jr., who wants the property the orphanage is on in order to mine the precious gems only he knows are there.  Did I mention that Begley's germ phobic character dresses like a low rent Mr. Freeze?  I refuse to comment on this film any further for too many bad memories have already returned.  Show this movie to someone you truly hate! Otherwise, avoid it at all costs.

However, there is one 1997 made-for-video film he did called THE ULTIMATE WEAPON you may want to keep an eye out for.  It's basically his only foray into R rated territory where he tries to reinvent himself as a Ramboesque commando.  I say keep an eye out for it because I've yet to find a local video store that has it.  Personally, I think it would be a riot seeing Hulk Hogan try to come across as an intimidating Schwarzenegger type since he's never even been able to come across as a total badass in his wrestling career.  This is a guy whose idea of an intimidating facial expression looks more like a really constipated Popeye.  What Hulk fails to realize is that he's a cartoon.  You can dress Elmer Fudd all in black, put on dark shades, and have him carry a gun in each hand, but he will never be confused for Chow Yun Fat-style hitman because he is and always will be nothing more than a cartoon character.  Have you seen that medical supply commercial with Wilford Brimley dressed like a cowboy riding a horse warning people about the dangers of diabetes?  When he utters the line, "If you're diabetic, you check your blood sugar and you check it often," he exudes more of a sense of menace than Hulk Hogan ever has.

Ladies and gentlemen, the movies I have just covered mark the HIGH POINTS of his acting career!  I didn't list the numerous cameos, usually playing himself, that he has had in various other movies or TV shows.  Nor have I mentioned the numerous other direct-to-video or made-for-cable flicks that he has made alongside such Hollywood heavyweights as Shannon Tweed, Carl Weathers, Robert Vaughn, Richard Moll, Lesley-Anne Down, Jim Varney, Loni Anderson, and Kermit The Frog.  Nor have I even mentioned his embarrassing attempt to cross over into music in 1993 with the HULK RULES album that features some of the worst rock music ever recorded performed by Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band.  Having actually heard a few tracks of this album I can assure you that his singing voice is basically just his gravelly speaking voice set to tepid rock music.  The whole damn album challenges William Shatner's "Mr. Tambourine Man" and David Hasselhoff's "I Am The Night Rocker" for the title of worst celebrity singing performance.  Copies of the CD can be found on Ebay going for as much as 99 cents.

And just for the record, Hulk Hogan starred in SANTA WITH MUSCLES with Clint Howard who was also in MY DOG SKIP, which starred Kevin Bacon.  It's true! You really can link anyone who's ever been in a movie with Kevin Bacon! Poor Kevin, nobody deserves to be within six degrees of Hulk Hogan the actor!

One can only suspect that somewhere in Uzbekistan or East Timor, there's a Hulk Hogan retrospective film festival.  Somebody has to be buying his crap to explain why he keeps getting movies made.  Sadly, it's almost a guarantee that Hogan's cinematic trail of tears will continue due to his impending return to the WWF which will almost certainly rejuvenate his wrestling career one last time thus putting his "Wilford Brimley on steroids" mug back in the spotlight.  It seems Hulk Hogan is just like the FRIDAY THE 13TH series.  Just when you think it's The Final Chapter; it's suddenly A New Beginning!  Hopefully, we'll finally get to Hogan Goes To Hell, but as we all know, evil never dies!

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S LOADED WEAPON 1