MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE BRAINSCAN

I work at a television station. I stated this in a previous column when I demanded to know who amongst you watched the agonizing Beastmaster: The Series. It has been several months and I have yet to get a single reply. Fess up! I know there has to be at least one person reading this who likes that show because this thing wouldn't be into it's fourth season if people weren't watching it. I demand to know why those people like it. I deserve an answer, dammit! I also deserve another answer. Who in the hell is watching some of this new crap like I'm A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here and Am I Hot? As much as I loathe reality shows like Joe Millionaire, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and American Idol, I can at least kinda understand what the appeal is of those particular programs. Then there's the hopelessly insipid Am I Hot?, a wannabe beauty pageant done American Idol-style. For God's sake, one of the judges is Lorenzo Lamas! Lorenzo Lamas! TV's Renegade! Mr. Crappy Direct-To-Video Action Movie! That Lorenzo Lamas! Does being an aging pretty boy who has numerous ex-wives make one qualified to judge a beauty pageant? On top of that, almost all the people they keep picking as "Hot" fall into that generic pretty category where they're attractive but nothing special. Ugh. Then there's that other show that should be called I WAS A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! Was is right because when was the last time you saw Bruce Jenner, Alanna Stewart, or "Downtown" Julie Brown involved with anything? Hell, not everyone on the show really even qualifies as a celebrity. One of the alleged celebs is that back-up dancer who was briefly married to Jennifer Lopez. Since when does having been once married to an actual celebrity make them a celebrity themselves? Good grief! And did the world really need to see Robin Leach in a Speedo or see the ex-Price Is Right girl get drunk and request a spanking from the equally drunk male model? I don't think so. I got an idea for a reality show. Take a bunch of celebs currently in drug rehab, lock them in a pharmacy overnight, and let video cameras record it all. We'll call the show I'm A Celebrity…Get Me Codeine! Now that I would watch! Even better, how about a new reality game show called Beaten With A Stick? You can guess the rules. Even better, how about a Survivor clone called Turkish Prison? Okay, enough ranting. Time for the article. For those of you wonder where the piece is about the unknown monster movies I said I do last month, I've put it on hold while I await the arrival of another that I plan to add to the article. Be patient. But for now, please enjoy a heaping helping of...

TWO GEEKS & A MOVIE PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND

Q: What would you get if Ed Wood wrote a monster movie and then Albert Pyun directed it?

A:

No wonder this movie went unreleased for nearly 2 years and underwent numerous name changes before finally getting dumped unceremoniously on video and DVD this past February. To be fair, it did get a very limited theatrical release under the title of DEMON ISLAND. And by "limited release" I mean it only played in Sioux City, Iowa and Alexandria, Louisiana. I kid you not. As of this time, the movie's website is still functioning. You can see for yourself at the movie's site, www.demonisland.com. Heck, the trailer is still up for those that actually need a taste of agony that is yet to come.

The makers of PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND are the brothers Hildebrand, David & Scott. Their previous entry into the monster movie genre was the damn near unwatchable KING COBRA. You might recall KING COBRA as the first of the direct-to-video ANACONDA knock-offs starring Pat Morita and a humongous half-cobra/half-rattlesnake. After that cinematic atrocity I'm amazed they ever got to make another movie again. Then again, someone out there keeps funding movies starring Lorenzo Lamas and Antonio Sabato Jr. so I shouldn't be surprised. Still, I'm glad they did because many comedies aren't as funny as PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND.

Another possible reason why I enjoyed this movie so much is because I was joined by a friend of mine, Alex Fleming, who I sort of coerced into watching the movie with me. He too is a bad movie fan although not as big of one as I am. While he still hasn't forgiven me for subjecting him to K. Gordon Murray's LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD, he is still willing to watch bad movies with me occasionally. Just the week before I finally got him to watch Hulk Hogan's NO HOLDS BARRED and we had a jolly good time MST3King that one. In fact, Alex has been bemoaning the fact that I have yet to mention him before in one of my columns. Well, this should finally shut him up! For the record, Alex sites THE MANGLER as the worst movie he's ever seen and BLACK DOG (God knows why but I was in the theater with him watching it and he was cheering every car crash!) as his favorite bad movie and he paid to see DANTE'S PEAK four times. Alex is also a diehard lover of the BILLY JACK movies, as "He can kill you with his feet!" has become something of a catchphrase with him. Happy now, Alex?

Now begins our late night movie voyage to PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND. I will be quoting Alex infrequently throughout. As a matter of fact, we were already laughing so hard about 10 minutes into the movie that I pulled out my trusty tape recorder and decided to get our thoughts on the movie on tape so I can accurately transcribe this whole experience. I could tell early on that this was going to be one for the ages.

And so it begins.

PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND opens with a five-minute prologue detailing the history of the demonic piñata. Centuries ago in Central America, a once prosperous village was suddenly and inexplicably plagued by pestilence and famine. The local shaman believed this was all due to the sins of the villagers so he decided to perform a ceremony to rid the land of the evil in their hearts. He created two symbolic piñatas; one represented good fortune and the other to be used as a receptacle for their sins. The piñata sin receptacle looks like a four foot statue of what I could best describe as a satanic Porky Pig dressed like a native warrior. He symbolically transferred the sins into the piñata and cast it off into the ocean. While floating away, it got struck by lightening which the voiceover narrator claims sealed the evil inside the piñata forever or at least until it gets unleashed. Oh, and prosperity returned to the village.

Did you get all that because none of it really plays into anything that is still to come. More importantly, I have no clue why this statue, and that is what it really is, is constantly referred to as a pinata. It isn't, but everyone in the movie calls it a pinata. I can only assume that calling the movie STATUE: SURVIVAL ISLAND just didn't have a nice ring to it. Hell, even calling it a totem would make more sense.

Cut to Cinco de Mayo 2001 where two motorboats are speeding towards an island. The boats are loaded with rowdy college kids who are tossing water balloons at each other, shooting at each other with super soakers, and mooning one another. College students + deserted island + rampaging monster = really bad movie! This is mathematical certitude! All this is set to the sounds of some of the worst college rock music I've ever heard. Alex, who is far more musically inclined than I am, reacts to the sound of this music in much the same manner that a vampire would react to having a clove of garlic dangled in it's face.

I guess I should take this opportunity to mention the stars of our movie since there are two actors in the movie of semi-name value. The first is Nicholas Brendan, aka Xander Harris on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Actually, that's pretty much all he's known for. There seems to be some rule that every regular member of the Buffy cast has to appear in at least one crappy horror movie as almost all of them have. In this movie, Brendan basically plays a less dorky version of his Xander character. It should be noted that there is virtually nothing in the way of character development in this movie. It should also be noted that's there is virtually nothing in the way of plot either.

Our other semi-star of note is Jamie Pressly, who could be best described as being a Southern version of Tera Reid only with more self control in the mascara department. Miss Pressly has appeared in such cinematic assaults as JERRY SPRINGER: RINGMASTER, THE ADVENTURES OF JOE DIRT, and TOMCATS although her most notable role would be her debut in POISON IVY: THE NEW SEDUCTION if only because she spent a significant amount of time in that movie buck-naked. Truth be told, if it weren't for magazines like Stuff and Maxim I seriously doubt she would get a role in anything much less the co-starring role in a movie like this. Hell, she spends most of this movie with this expression on her face as if something smells really bad. Perhaps she got a whiff of the script?

Anyway, Brendan plays Kyle and Pressly plays Tina. They had been a hot couple but broke up recently for reasons that have so far been unexplained. In one of those moments that makes you just shake your head at the film's direction, Doug, the token black guy, is talking to Kyle about breaking up with Tina, who is then shown over the guy's shoulder walking in slow motion in her bikini. Clearly the Hildebrand Brothers watched too much Baywatch. And for those looking for T&A, that's as much as you're going to get in this flick.

Okay, there are ten Woodson University college students on this island for the annual All-Greek Cinco de Mayo Scavenger Hunt. The scavenger hunt is played on a small, uninhabited island owned by the college that is fifteen miles off the shore of the campus. I've never heard of a California college that owns a small island but then this is a movie about killer piñata so I really shouldn't even waste time wondering about such things. Each of the college's five fraternities and five sororities select one member from their house to represent them in the year's competition.

Paul and Monica, two four-wheeler riding college alumni who act as the official judges for the scavenger hunt, join them and explain the rules. The ten of them will be paired off into randomly selected boy/girl tandems and handcuffed together. Scattered throughout the island are over 2,500 pairs of male and female undergarments. Each handcuffed duo is given two plastic bags and sent into the jungle to recover the most amount of underwear by nightfall. The winning duo will share $20,000 - half of which is to be donated to charity and the other half to be shared by the winning fraternity and sorority. I'm guessing Woodson University is one of those party colleges/diploma factories and a not respected academic college. I should also mention that this explanation of the rules is preceded by a drinking game and a Mexican history trivia contest with underwear awarded as prizes.

Why did I just bother to explain those rules in such detail as if it means anything important? Oh well. Now you know.

It's the next thing that the two judges tell them that prompted a discussion between Alex and I and it was this discussion that prompted me to break out the tape recorder. As the judges explain, if you get thirsty, there are piñatas out there filled with booze. They don't specify exactly how this beer is stored inside the piñata other than to tell them that there are piñatas filled with alcoholic beverages. Alex and me pause the video and momentarily debate this.

ALEX: So if you bust the piñata open and it turns out to be bottles of booze aren't they going to be pissed if they bust the bottles too?

SCOTT: But they're in a jungle in the summer. Unless the piñata has a built in cooler isn't all this beer going to be really hot?

ALEX: Think how that would make you feel. You're hot, you're thirsty, you're sticky, and all you want is something to drink and you finally find a piñata and you're like, "Awwww, thank God! Finally something to drink," and you bust it open and it all just comes pouring out. You'd think…

SCOTT: This movie sucks.

With that simple and to the point statement, we moved on.

The groups are paired up and, what a surprise, Kyle and Tina end up together. Neither of them is happy about it. As they get catty with one another, we come to learn that Kyle caught Tina "studying" with another guy in her room but Tina insists all they were doing was studying. That old story again? Well, the two of them sit on the ground handcuffed with their backs to one another and pout while the others race through the jungle to the sounds of more really bad college rock music.

The movie begins to focus on the duo of Bob, who is clearly a complete idiot, and Lisa, who is the typical dumb blonde. They find an area loaded with underwear strung up on wires for the taking and Bob decides they should celebrate. She clearly doesn't care much for Bob and looks on nervously when he pulls out a pair of keys and unlocks the handcuffs. She's scared they'll get disqualified while he assures her it will only be for a few moments to celebrate and by celebrate he means smoke pot. In a moment straight out of an old ABC After School Special, Bob lights up a joint and talks a nervous Lisa into taking a puff. It seems this must be the most potent marijuana ever conceived by mankind because one hit and Lisa starts acting like Harrison Ford in REGARDING HENRY and even becomes sexually attracted to Bob.

ALEX: One drag on one joint gets one girl to make out with a total idiot so I want this pot! I don't smoke pot but if I found pot like that I would smoke it.

SCOTT: Wouldn't the trick be to get her to smoke it?

ALEX: Yeah, exactly.

SCOTT: You'd have a better chance of finding the magic pot!

We both make that Andrew "Dice" Clay "Oh!" sound and move on.

So this girl, who is acting more like she has severe brain damage with every passing second, actually ends up on the ground making snow angels in the dirt when she spots the demonic piñata floating in the nearby lagoon. Wait. Has it been there for centuries and nobody ever noticed it before until today? Of course the two of them think it's one of the booze filled piñatas and pull it ashore to bust it. Unfortunately, the thing seems to be made of steel reinforced clay as it simply refuses to break. Lisa tells Bob to get a rock and after a few seconds of foraging he picks up this large stone, runs back over to Lisa, and giddily exclaims, "This is the fucking perfect rock!" The delivery of this line is priceless and causes the two of us to burst out laughing. Just what the hell was in that pot? Nobody can get THAT high!

They attempt to bust it open without success but do succeed in shattering this glowing medallion thing on its chest. Suddenly there is this tremendous racket that sounds like, well, I'm not exactly sure how to describe it. It's a very loud, low pitch moaning sound. Bob and Lisa look around to try and figure out where the noise is coming from and when they look back the piñata is gone. Suddenly something zips lightening fast behind them and then we see the piñata's hand picking up a heavy stick. Next thing you know, the piñata monster is bashing Bob's skull in while Lisa screams in terror. The piñata monster turns around and roars at Lisa, who wisely makes like the Road Runner and beep beeps out of there screaming like a banshee.

How ironic? A piñata just busted a human!

You know, it's a good thing the old shaman made the piñata look like some hairless, demonic troll doll instead of something really silly like a paper mache animal or something silly like that. You'd think the monster would come out of the piñata after being busted open or something like that, but no, the monster IS the piñata itself. Even by goofy monster standards, this midget monstrosity is just plain ridiculous. It should be noted that the Chiodo Brothers, the same effects guys who made the all-time cult classic KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE, designed the piñata monster. That would explain the goofiness. This version of the monster (Yep, there are more to come!) is mostly done with a guy in a suit punctuated by some computer effects. The Chiodo Brothers do relatively decent job, but it doesn't change the fact that the pinata monster is nothing short of ludicrous, conceptually and in execution. It definately gives Guilala a run for its money.

We now join Larry and Connie. Their names being about as much you'll get to know about them. In the background, there is a piñata hanging from a tree that is designed like a penis. There's a joke in there somewhere but neither Alex nor me can come up with one. Lisa comes running up to them screaming hysterically about a piñata coming to life and brutally murdering Bob. Of course, Larry and Connie laugh it off. Larry even wipes off a little of the blood splattered on her face and tastes it thinking its fake. This freaks her out even more and she runs off once again screaming like a banshee.

The monster piñata is watching them from the bushes. The monster's point-of-view is shown to us for no particular reason and it too is something to laugh at. The monster sees everything in a blurred manner that constantly changes color with only the triangular center being visible enough, just barely, to make anything out. I dub it "Illuminati Vision" since it looks like the design on the back of a dollar bill. How can it even see?

I also come to notice that the players keep walking by all this underwear but are rarely ever shown collecting any of it. There are also several sombreros strung up because I guess you have to include every cliché possible to symbolize the rich heritage of a centuries old culture.

Larry and Connie decide to get something to drink by busting open a piñata. Finally, Alex and I will learn the truth. It should be noted that when they bust the piñata, the monster is shown growling in the bushes so perhaps it took it personally. Maybe it was family? Alex hits the floor laughing because little bottles off booze drop out of the piñata. He called it. We now know that these piñatas are filled with the kind of little booze bottles you'd see on a mini-bar or an airline cart. Little bottles of what must surely be hot booze are now littered on the ground beneath the piñata. I had to pause the movie so that Alex could compose himself. I'm not exaggerating, people. He actually fell on the floor laughing and was down there for about 3 minutes. I don't think he needs that pot.

It should also be noted that I think this movie has set a record for the number of times someone yells, "Whooooo!" in a single half hour.

For a monster that can move at superhuman speeds, the piñata sure is taking its sweet time. Finally, as Larry is chugging what looks like an inkwell, the monster makes its move. The piñata goes to town on Connie's head with that stick like Buford Pusser with his WALKING TALL baseball bat…Tony Soprano-style…Joe Pesci-style in GOODFELLA…Al Capone-style in THE UNTOUCHABLES… The monster may look silly, but it's a bad ass. Watching him go to town on these two, it's a thing of beauty I tell you. It also appears that Connie's head had a nice raspberry filling because that's some really fake looking gore pouring out of her shattered skull.

Back at base camp, Lisa tells the disbelieving judges what happened. None the less, they still mount their mighty four-wheelers and set off into the jungle looking for Bob. They drive slowly through the jungle screaming, "Bob!" Myself and Bob, I mean Alex, join in by yelling his name repeatedly.

Another thing that has gone unexplained is why there appears to be a light fog on this island in the middle of the day in May.

Paul and Monica's search pays off as they find Bob ripped in half hanging from a tree. One of the judges looks up and exclaims, "This was no piñata accident!" Okay, nobody said that. Alex is disappointed that Bob wasn't filled with little booze bottles.

We now join another couple. I don't what their names are and since they're making out in the woods, always a certain death guarantee, I don't think it will matter. The two of us both lose it as the piñata actually begins descending out of a tree from a vine behind them. It's lowering itself down in much the same fashion that a ninja or a commando would. This is just too much. Alex has to excuse himself from the room to regain his composure. They spot the piñata and suddenly get thirsty because all that spit they were swapping wasn't thirst quenching enough, I guess?

Long story short, they try to bust the ninja piñata and it savagely mauls them. It appears it grabbed the guy by the groin and then ripped his testicles off but when it held up its hand it was holding something that looked more like a liver. If it was his sex organs, then that guy was really well hung and if it was his liver, then he must have had a serious drinking problem. No matter, they're dead anyway.

Back at camp, Lisa starts having a flashback montage of everything we've seen up to this point. Excuse me, but we're only 36 minutes into the movie. It is WAAAAAAAAY too early to be having a flashback montage. You don't do the montage a half hour into the movie!

Oh, I've neglected to mention that most of what's happened so far has been punctuated by brief scenes of our stars, Brendan and Pressly, pouting (Either about their career direction or perhaps they were actually in character) about being cuffed together. Every so often the movie has cut back to America's sweethearts Tina and Kyle and their endless whining. They do finally declare a truce and join in on the scavenger hunt and Tina does plead her case to Kyle that she and the other guy really were just studying.

The four-wheelin' judges come across Tina and Kyle and tell them to meet back at the camp and gather everyone else because there's "been an accident." Maybe they do think it was a piñata accident? Apparently there's a starter pistol back at camp that when fired signals the end of the contest. More blah, blah, blah… It's also at this moment that Kyle tells Tina that he believes her about the whole studying thing and they proceed to kiss and make-up thus proving that all their troubled relationship really needed was for the two of them to simply SPEAK TO EACH OTHER!!!

Clearly the two judges aren't the brightest bulbs either because despite finding the mutilated corpse of one of the students they're still skulking about the jungle armed only with walkie-talkies. Finally they find more evidence that something really awful is going on as if finding half of a human body strung up in a tree wasn't enough and radio Kyle back at camp, tell him what they've found, and that he should gather everyone and make for the boats and head back to the college to tell the campus police. So this campus also has a Baywatch division too? Kyle turns to Lisa and asks her to tell him just what the hell happened out there and so she does.

And for some reason it's still lightly foggy.

Kyle, Tina, and Lisa make a run for the boats only to find them destroyed. Something has destroyed the boats, something that leaves big, cloven footprints. Alex keenly points out that the footprints go to the boats but there aren't any leading away from the boats meaning the monster must still there standing right in front of them but nobody can see it.

So Paul & Monica (I'm tired of referring to them simply as "the judges") continue to ride around on their four-wheelers looking for the other players that hadn't shown up to camp doing all of 5 mph. The piñata monster jumps out of the bushes and they finally decide now would be a good time to accelerate. As they speed away, the pygmy piñata monster morphs into a taller creature that now bears an uncanny resemblance to the demon from the video game DIABLO. This new version of the monster is 100% CGI, all atrocious. The CGI monster is so poorly animated that it almost looks cartoonish. I compared it to a video game character and that is quite fitting because the effects are straight out of a video game. On the plus side, at least now it looks more menacing than before.

As we all know, women are horrible drivers. This explains why Monica manages to crash her four-wheeler into a big log and go flying off. In yet another moment of jaw dropping idiocy, the four-wheeler explodes just after she gets launched into the air. You don't usually hear about four-wheeler explosions.

Paul jumps off his four-wheeler, runs over to Monica, picks her up, and they both try to run away. The monster, having caught up to them, transforms back to its stupid form, trips them up, and beats Paul to death with it's new and improved stick club. Seems the monster has fashioned a big rock to the end of the stick. Beginning with this death and every one hereafter, the scenes of the monster beating someone to death are filmed in a hallucinatory manner interspersed with split second shots from the villager's ceremony from the film's opening.

Monica screams then starts hauling ass so the monster turns back into its larger form and gives chase. The monster hurls the club at her but it misses. Somehow, this makeshift prehistoric club magically transforms into a boomerang and comes right back to monster who catches it without missing a beat and continues chasing after her. It could catch up to moving vehicles but it can't catch up to one injured girl. Hey, what happened to the monster's superhuman speed? That went away awfully quick.

God, this movie is stupid!

Here comes more stupidity. She's running downhill. There's a long log in her path. Instead of just crossing over it or simply going around it, she climbs onto the log and walks across it like a tightrope walker until she looses her balance, falls off, and tumbles the rest of the way down the hill. So of course now she's hurt and crawling on the ground and the monster's going to come kill her. She crawls into some bushes and the monster, which apparently stopped to use the restroom because it took forever to get there, just stops, looks around, and seemingly can't find her. Huh? This plot of this movie seems to be a battle of wits between stupid people and a moron monster.

With that situation unresolved, the movie fades to the camp. It's now night. Kyle, Tina, and Lisa are gathered around the campfire. Exactly how much time has elapsed we don't know. Why the monster hasn't shown up and killed them yet is also unknown. This monster wastes an awful lot of time just procrastinating. Kyle turns out to be a scholar in Latin American folklore and proceeds to tell them the legend of the cursed piñata and how it relates to what Lisa witnessed and what's going on. So basically Kyle reminds the audience of everything that happened in the opening prologue. It took the movie about 5 minutes to actually show it to us but only takes Kyle 30 seconds to explain it and his short version actually made a bit more sense. Kyle didn't believe Lisa's killer piñata monster story at first but did after seeing the cloven footprints in the sand because the legend claims the piñata had hooved feet. Oh, and the actual heart of a pig. See! It really is Porky Pig!

Lisa provides more humor by telling Kyle how when she and Bob cracked the amulet on its chest it let out a sound that sounded like "the pain and suffering of an entire village." Yeah, like I'm going to believe that this airhead knows what the pain and suffering of an entire village sounds like.

We now cut back out into the jungle where the piñata monster is still running. What it is running after or where it is running to we don't know. We're just shown a pointless scene of the monster running. Since I haven't already, I should make not of the fact that not only is the CGI awful, the movie is actually recycling the same stock footage of the monster's second form over and over. The filmmakers apparently thought that if they modified the camera angle that nobody would realize they're seeing the exact same animations repeatedly. There seem to be about 4 different shots that keep getting recycled.

Another thing I've neglected to mention before is that whenever the monster kills someone it takes his or her soul. A digital effect of a screaming ghostly apparition flies out of the victim's body and into the monster's. Since that idiot Bob was the first person it killed, I'm wondering if his stupidity has transferred to the creature itself. That would explain some of the creature's actions.

Alex mutters something about all the laughing he's been doing is affecting his asthma. Great, this movie really is going to kill somebody before it's over.

Back at camp, the minority couple finally shows up scaring the crap out of the white folk. They want to know why the three of them are so jumpy and where the rest are.

Back to the jungle where the piñata monster is shown decorating the local foliage with body parts. Why? Who knows? It just is.

Okay, time for a rant. There is one fundamental problem with this movie. Wait, there are countless fundamental problems with this movie. Okay, let's just focus on one, that being the monster itself. We have yet to be told what the rules are regarding the monster. It's a piñata possessed by wicked sins. Fine, why can it transform? Why does it steal people's souls? Why does it hang body parts from tree limbs like decorations? In a monster movie, you have to be clued into exactly what the parameters are - power, motivation, etc. This movie hasn't even bothered to try and explain any of that. The monster has evil powers and it kills people. That's it. That may be all well and good, but considering the origin of this beast you'd think it would have a bit more depth than that. This is simply bad screenwriting.

Night turns to day and the date "MAY 6TH" appears on-screen. Okay, so the monster just decided to knock off for the evening?

After suggesting everything from swimming back to shore and using messages in a bottle to send a distress message, the good-looking, young college students bond and decide to go exploring for their missing friends. And they decide to do this completely unarmed! Good grief, even the monster started out with just a stick. Could these five not find a big stick to take with them? Oh wait, Kyle has one of those survival knives so they're all safe. Yeah.

It just dawned on me. If the piñata monster collects the most underwear can it win the $20,000? Also, I think we're overdue for some more bad college rock music. The first 20 minutes was loaded with it and there hasn't been any since the killing started.

At this time, I feel the need to apologize to Miss Pressly for questioning her acting skills because as they walk through the woods she suddenly asks, "What is that smell?" proving that she has been acting the whole time. They follow the smell and find that it leads to the mutilated corpse of Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer. I wasn't aware that reindeer could be found on small Southern California islands. Since the characters don't ask questions and just move on, I decide to do the same.

Doug, the token black guy, decides that he's lived a rich life and tells the others to keep on going while he stops to get a rock out of his shoe. They do and he does. I kid you not. This whole sequence proves to be one of those false suspense moments as we see the monster watching him but nothing ever happens because they turn around to come back for him before it can attack. This whole thing takes several minutes, amounts to nothing, and leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth. By everyone, I mean Alex and myself.

They continue on their nature hike and, uh oh, they're calling out names again. This time, the two of us join in.

"Bob!"

"Jim!"

"Gerald!"

"Monica!"

"Johnboy!"

"Chief!"

"McCloud!"

AND THE BLACK GUY GETS HUNG!!! Yes, while walking under a tree, Doug, who was bringing up the rear, gets a vine wrapped around his neck, which was lowered by the monster, and pulled high up into the air where he hangs to death. The monster actually hangs him from a tree! This is unreal! Of all the characters they could have killed in this manner, they had to hang the only black male in the cast! Unbelievable! Maybe the piñata is a Klansman? I don't know. I'm not saying another word.

The rest of the group didn't even notice Doug was missing for a few moments and never bother to look up to see their friend hanging from a tree. This mysterious disappearance causes the two non-Jamie Pressly females to freak out and everyone begins arguing. The two non-Jamie Pressly females decide they've done enough exploring for their friends and start heading back to camp. Kyle and Tina, knowing that they are the main characters, which means they will be the ones to survive this ordeal, press on without them.

While trekking back to camp, Lisa suddenly feels nature calling and decides to step into the shrubbery to pee. She finishes just in time to see the piñata monster, in it's original stupid form, swing from a vine out of a tree and decapitate the Hispanic girl. Her decapitation also marks the most she's had to say or do in this entire flick. I'm not even sure they ever even said her name. I think this may have been the first all-CGI decapitation as the monster, the girl and her severed head were all brought to life via really terrible computer animation. Lisa screams in terror and takes off running. It occurs to me that if the woman playing Lisa changed the expression on her face to a smile then her portrayal of fear really wouldn't be all that different from her portrayal of, say, someone who just won the lottery. Get her some decaf pronto!

Kyle, having heard the screaming, brandishes his knife Rambo-style and let me tell you, there are few things in this world less intimidating than watching Nic Brendan trying to act like a tough guy. He doesn't find danger but he does find Monica still alive. So she's been hiding in these bushes for, what, 12 hours now?

Lisa runs through the jungle while screaming like a banshee (yet again) until she arrives back at camp for her death by stupidity. Something's moving around in the tent. She calls out someone's name and walks closer. Surprise! It's the monster! It sucks her in and for all we know it might be raping her. Lots of thrashing and screaming ensue until we see her CGI soul flash on-screen. The best character in the whole movie is now dead. Damn! I'll miss Lisa. The actress playing her couldn't act her way out of a paper bad but she sure could ham her way out of it!

Alex keeps asking why they didn't just build a raft like this is Gilligan's Island and they could just string some coconuts together or something.
The piñata monster now takes on yet a third form and begins chasing Tina through the jungle! This new form is a flying version, which kind ofresembles a tadpole but with arms. I describe the monster to Alex as looking like a demonic, Cro-Magnon, volcanic version of Pac-Man. The sad thing is that Alex agrees with my assessment. Is this creature related to Hedorah from GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER or something what with the way it keeps transforming? At least the CGI of the monster's third form isn't nearly as crappy as its second form.

Fortunately Tina is an Olympic sprinter as she manages to out run the creature for what seems like forever. Elsewhere, Kyle and Monica start yelling out names again. For God's sake…

This movie is too stupid to be taken seriously but even the stupidity… I don't know how best to describe it. This is the greatest movie ever made! No, that's not it. I just don't know. The film is beyond words at this point. If the makers of PINATA intended for it to be campy then the filmmakers still failed because it teeters so awkwardly on the border between typical Hollywood horror hokum and Ed Wood-level incompetence that it doesn't seem sure what it's supposed to be. What were the filmmakers thinking?

Now get this. As Tina runs by, Kyle grabs her and pulls her behind a tree. The monster can't find them and transforms back into it's pygmy form. The next thing you know, it's nighttime again and everyone IS STILL IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE!!! So the monster hasn't thought to just look behind the tree yet? "It's a magic tree," Alex declares. Finally, Kyle formulates a plan. He tosses some rocks in the other direction, just like in TREMORS, and the monster takes the bait giving them a chance to make a break for it.

This isn't just retarded it's beyond retarded. In fact, beyond retarded should have been the movie's title!

They have flashlights now. Where did their flashlights come from? Where the hell did those come from? Kyle says something about how they need to find the other four-wheeler, the one that didn't detonate upon impact, to get it's gas for their plan to work. Plan? They have a plan now? They haven't felt compelled to let us, the audience, in on their great plan. Oh, Alex has now reached the point where if my living room was the UFC Octagon and PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND was his opponent, he would be tapping out. Kyle also declares, "It's time for us to stop being hunted and start doing the hunting!" Remember what I said a few moments ago about Nic Brendan trying to act tough?

The monster finally realizes that it's been duped and starts hauling ass in their direction. We're even treated to a "what the hell" moment where it jumps through the air in slow motion.

In another great moment where the movie sets out to prove to you just how stupid it is Tina flashes her flashlight at the four-wheeler and asks, "Is that it?" as if it would be anything else. What did she think she might have stumbled across a riding lawnmower in the jungle but wasn't sure? Geez! Of course it's the four-wheeler! What else would it be?

The monster transforms into its tadpole form for no particular reason. At the risk of going off on my rant about the monster again, there has been no explanation as to exactly what the benefits are of each form. Even GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER explained that much! As the monster zips after them, Kyle is sucking the gas out of the four-wheeler's gas tank and into their canteens. What great plan could they possibly come up with that involves 3 pints of gasoline? They hear the monster approaching. It now transforms back into its two-legged version for no particular reason and approaches the four-wheeler, which they've started, and is fascinated apparently by the purring engine of this off-road vehicle.

Our fleeing heroes stop to get a breather and for some reason, Nic Brendan drops everything he's holding, reaches up to this tree limb just above his head, and begins swinging like a monkey. Was everyone involved with this movie drunk or stoned the whole time? Every time you think this flick has reached a new depth of dumbness, something else happens to lower the bar even further. The bar is currently located somewhere around the earth's mantle so there really isn't much further it can go. They hear the monster growl and take off running again. I don't know what the hell that was all about. Fortunately for the monster, which is still mesmerized by the four-wheeler, a body conveniently falls out of a tree right in front of Monica and she screams. This wakes the beast from its trance and it gives chase.

Despite the fact that they were just running for their lives with this creature in pursuit, they're suddenly back at camp and we're treated to a montage of them preparing their big counterstrike which involves ropes and tents and bottles and cutting things and tying things and smashing things and hammering things and building things…you get the idea. Where did the monster go? To quote Alex, "Mommy, make the bad movie stop!" Our heroic trio are pouring the gas on torches and planting them into the ground and Kyle turns a cot sideways thus transforming it into a barricade or at least that's what he thinks. They've even built a makeshift fence. Maybe Alex was right and they should have just built a raft. This all makes zero sense. It's like a Cub Scout version of the PREDATOR montage where Arnold was preparing for the final showdown.

The monster must have finished its smoke break because it finally approaches the camp. It transforms into its tadpole form again but with a twist - it now has two faces. Why? Why bother even asking such rhetorical questions at this point? You know the old ruse where a dummy or something gets dressed up to look like a person to fool someone into getting closer and fall into the trap? Well, that's exactly what's happening. The piñata monster transforms back into its taller DIABLO form for no particular reason as it approaches. As it gets right on top of the decoy, it transforms into the original form again for particular reason.

Well, the plan seems to work because as the creature smashes the decoy's watermelon head, Kyle leaps out of a tree pulling a rope that sends the makeshift net it was standing on up into the air with the creature trapped within. They proceed to set the makeshift net on fire to burn the creature to death. Is fire it's weakness? Do they know something we don't?

Well, the plan worked for all of about 8 seconds before the piñata demon gets loose and immediately whacks Monica in the face with it's club. Sadly, her head doesn't explode like a watermelon. It knocks down Tina and is about to finish her off when Kyle makes the save and what a save he makes! He stands up on the side of the cot clutching the rope and swings to her rescue Tarzan-style and mind you he's swinging all of maybe two feet off the ground…in slow motion no less! Wheeeeeee! Alex is back on the floor again laughing uncontrollably. Kyle swings into the monster dropkicking it. That bar has now officially reached the earth's core.

Tina scampers away into a nearby tent while Kyle engages in mortal combat with the piñata monster using the creature's club that it dropped when Kyle did his low altitude Tarzan impression. Kyle, still on the ground, swings at the midget, piñata monster's stubby legs and the beast gracefully leaps into the air avoiding it Jackie Chan-style. This is also shown in slow motion. Alex is once again having a giggling seizure. Do you want to know what it sounds like when Alex laughs uncontrollably? Imagine what Roscoe P. Coltrane would sound like if he got a full dose of The Joker's Smile-X gas. Alex makes me play back this scene five times so he can get it out of his system before we can move on and put this turkey to rest.

More spastic battling takes place while Jamie Pressly turns MacGyver on us. She's got a tequila bottle and a pair of underwear. Hmmm… Turns out she's making a Molotov cocktail.

Meanwhile, the monster is kicking Kyle's ass and even sends him flying high through the air with a single bitchslap. The creature retakes possession of it's club and moves in for the kill. Fortunately, Kyle stays alive because he has the full power of a frying pan at his disposal. He picked the thing up off the ground and uses it as a shield to block the monster's onslaught. Somebody's been watching HIGHLANDER too many times because sparks are flying. Can a rock hitting a metal frying pan cause sparks? That must be one hell of a rock on the end of that stick! Seriously, is this movie supposed to be one colossal joke? Was it supposed to be an outright comedy?

Just as the piñata monster is about to deliver the deathblow, Jamie Pressly comes running out of the tent with the lit Molotov cocktail and attaches it to the back of the monster's head using a pair of handcuffs. Don't ask. Just don't ask. Monica picks just this right moment to wake up and the three of them start running away as if she had attached a bomb to it. The creature begins spinning around and flailing its arms while having flashbacks to the ceremony in the prologue and then BOOM!!! For whatever reason, the Molotov cocktail causes the monster to explode big time. The ensuing fireball even gives our heroes an opportunity to dive through the air with the explosion in the background like this is a scene from CHARLIE'S ANGELS or something. Unreal! All the souls are set free except for Alex and me because the closing credits haven't begun to roll yet. There's still a wee bit more to go.

Cut to the next day where police are all over the island and talking about how they can't believe the carnage. Two investigators ask Kyle, Tina, and Monica to explain what happened. They don't respond but instead look at one another as if they know that no one is going to believe them. Fade to black. The face of the piñata monster appears and growls at the audience for no particular reason. Fade to black again. Bad college rock music makes it's triumphant return as the closing credits roll. The end!

And now a few snippets of the final conversation the two of us had as the credits rolled.

ME: What the hell was that?

ALEX: I don't know.

ME: (laughing) We're dumbfounded. I don't know what to say. What have you got to say? Sum up the experience of watching PINATA.

ALEX: (long pause) Suddenly I miss I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

ME: I would like to apologize on behalf of Alex. This was far more entertaining that I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

ALEX: (laughter)

Well, there you have it, folks, two geeks and a movie. But thinking back on it, there was a lesson to be learned from this film, believe it or not. It's an important lesson that all college students should take to heart especially as we approach spring break. All the death and dismemberment started when two stoned idiots unleashed evil from a piñata they were trying to bust open because they thought it was loaded with booze. Looked what happened because of their substance abuse! JUST SAY NO PEOPLE! Okay, I'm stretching for something to justify why this movie exists. There is simply no damn reason. Now that I think about it, it wouldn't surprise me to know that the cast and crew of this movie were wrecked for the duration of the shoot. That would definitely explain an awful lot. Hey, can you imagine how wasted the financiers probably got when they saw the final cut of this movie that they blew big money on? And to think the website actually claims that a sequel is being planned. I don't think so.

Actual film quality - 1/2 *

MST3K-level quality - *****

PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND is a must see movie for all lovers of bad movies. It simply must be seen to be believed and even then you probably won't believe that something this bad actually got made.

IN MEMORY OF LISA

SHE DIED AS SHE LIVED - SCREAMING LIKE A BANSHEE

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE DROP DEAD FRED