Originally published February 2001 on nowff.com.

"The Prince Of Darkness Bids You Good Morning!" - SEVEN DWARVES TO THE RESCUE

My name is Scott Foy and I paid to see ANTITRUST.

As you can tell from that statement, I watch a lot of crappy movies and 2000 was a banner year for crappy movies.  I've been attending NOWFF for about 5 years and I'm a devotee of MST3K.  As much as I relish going to see a great movie, sometimes going to see a really bad, lousy, rotten, stinking, fester pile of cinematic fecal can also be enjoyable.  Sometimes it's just painful.

My name is Scott Foy and I paid to see JERKY BOYS: THE MOVIE.

Over the last few months, I've posted several times on the NOWFF message board with some suggestions for movies to be shown at future NOWFFs.  Apparently, my witty writing style caught the eye of some of the NOWFF staff.  Or it could be because so few people post on the NOWFF message board, let alone multiple posts.  But that's neither here nor there.  The point is that they e-mailed me and asked me if I would be interested in writing a monthly column pertaining to the world of schlocky cinema (reviews, articles, news, etc) for the site.  Needless to say I jumped at the chance.  Dear God, I need a life.  So now I sit down to type out the first edition of THE FOYWONDER.  Get it?  My last name is Foy.  Batman used to call Robin the boywonder.

Suffice it to say, if you've clicked on this link expecting serious critical analysis on films like TRAFFIC, 13 DAYS, or CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON then you have clicked on the wrong link.  But what to write about for my first column?  Might as well do a movie review.  That's what got me this gig in the first place.  But of what movie?  Should be something still fresh in people's collective conscious, yet still utterly rotten.  The nominees are:

BATTLEFIELD EARTH - Too easy.  Besides, why beat a dead horse, especially when there are so many people ahead of you still waiting for their turn?

READY TO RUMBLE - Wrestling is scripted and choreographed and wrestling companies no longer try to hide this fact.  99% of wrestling fans know this.  That 1% who haven't figured it out yet must have been the creative team behind this movie.  Finally, a wrestling movie that is actually worse than NO HOLDS BARRED.  Crap like this really makes you appreciate those old Mexican wrestling movies.  Viva Santo!

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 - Should have been titled DARKMAN 4.  Think about it.

BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2 - Didn't see it!  Won't rent it on video!  Will change the channel when it comes on TV!

THE GRINCH - Can anybody explain to me why this movie became the highest grossing movie of 2000?  Possibly the worst, bleakest, most all around unpleasent children's Christmas movie ever.  It should have been retitled Dr. Seuss' How Hollywood Bastardized A Children's Literary Icon.  Astonishingly bad!

MISS CONGENIALITY - So bad that you want to go upstairs & beat the daylights out of the projectionist just to make a point!

THE SKULLS - One cannot write in mere words the absurdity that is this movie.  A plot that actually makes INFRAMAN seem plausible.  Possibly the best bad movie of 2000.  See it with someone you don't love!

Aha, I have made my decision!  Even though it only came out less than 3 months ago, there was one movie so pathetically inane that it actually manages to stand out amongst the dreck I have just listed for you.  Ladies & gentlemen, I present to you the first edition of THE FOYWONDER entitled:

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: THE MOVIE
or
HOW DID CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT AVOID BEING IN THIS ONE?

Ten years ago, a man by the name of Courtney Solomon purchased the film rights to Dungeons & Dragons.  For 10 years, he set out on a quest to acquire the funding to make a big screen version of this classic role-playing game.  After 10 long years, D&D THE MOVIE finally opened.  About 2 weeks later, it closed!

Directed by Courtney Solomon, who I am convinced graduated from the Albert Pyun Filmmaking School, D&D tells the tale of an evil wizard who wants to overthrow the goodhearted young princess who is trying to put an end to the societal caste system that makes magic-users more elite than non-magical mortals.  To do this, our evil wizard tries to create a magic rod that can control dragons.  You see, dragons are used as a sort of a makeshift Air Force (the last 10 minutes of the movie is sorta IRON EAGLE done fantasy style) by the kingdom and are controlled by this staff that the princess possesses.  He fails miserably and decides seek out this uber-rod that can control red dragons.  Red dragons are more powerful than the gold dragons controlled by the princess.  Actually, our heroes seek out the super-rod, but are trailed by our villain's henchmen who plan to seize it from them as soon as they get it.  According to the credits, it took about 3 or 4 screenwriters to put this one together.  However, to truly understand how this movie went so horribly wrong, one should just look at the characters in this movie and then ask themselves, "if I was playing D&D, would I generate characters like this?"

Our hero is a thief.  Let me say that again.  Our hero is a thief.  Somebody made a sword and sorcery movie where the hero is not a warrior or a knight or barbarian or some sort of wandering swordman, but a lowly thief!  Performing just as he would play the nice guy boyfriend in (insert the name of any recent teen comedy), Justin Whalin creates a gigantic void on the screen whenever he appears.  His character has no personality and the young actor doesn't have the acting chops to pull it off.  Wait, does that even make sense?  Anyway, its obvious that the whole idea behind him is to have a young, handsome, leading man who looks good in tights so as to appeal to the boyband crazy, young female demographic.  If not for that reason, I am positive that Christopher Lambert would have been cast in the role.

Every hero needs a annoying, allegedly comedic sidekick, enter Marlon Wayons as the illegitimate son of Jar Jar Binks and Stepin Fetchit.  I think Spike Lee's movie BAMBOOZLED is about the very type of character Wayons plays in this movie.  Nice to know that even in the fantasy realm of D&D, racial stereotypes still exist.

Every hero needs a love interest, enter a young female mage (Zoe McLellan) who, at first, does not like our hero thus guaranteeing that they are going to fall in love.  She seems to exemplify the Jewish American Princess stereotype.  She's still just an apprentice mage, which explains why her primary magic ability consists of shooting lightning out of her fingertips a total of twice in the movie.  I believe Zoe must have watched SPACEBALLS over and over again in order to mimic Princess Vespa's mannerisms.  Method acting?

Did I mention how big the dwarf is?  Brutish, yet oafish and awfully big for a dwarf.  His sole contribution to the story: he's a dwarf!

And if you think the dwarf is large, check out the world's tallest elf!  With the point ears and stoicism of a Vulcan mixed in with the fighting spirit of a Klingon, the movie still manages to do virtually nothing with the character.  Sole contribution to the story: she's an elf!

Fresh off her performance in AMERICAN BEAUTY, Thora Birch makes you question whether she took acting lessons from William Shatner when you witness this non-performance.  I've seen middle school plays with acting better than this!  How the Golden Rasberries managed to overlook this is beyond me.

That, folks, in a nutshell, is your heroic party.  Do you know how many hit points these characters would have in the average D&D gaming session?  Of course you don't because nobody would create characters this lame!  But crappy heroes need crappy villains, right?  Let's have a look at the villains...  Both of them.

Jeremy Irons portrays an evil wizard who develops a sexual obsession with young Thora Birch.  Wait a minute, I'm getting this movie confused with LOLITA.  Jeremy Irons is the evil wizard and let me just say one thing: JEREMY IRONS GIVES A PERFORMANCE SO 'HAMMY' THAT JEWS WILL BE FORBIDDEN TO VIEW IT! One can only imagine that first-time director Solomon just didn't have the guts to tell Oscar winner Irons just how over the top his acting was.  "Wonderful, Mr. Irons, and for the next take could you grin a little wider and make your voice go even higher?"  Irons has admitted in interviews that he only did the movie because he needed money to renovate his castle.  Seriously.  Hope it was worth the humiliation.

And every villain needs a main henchman.  Bruce Payne, fresh of his role as the primary baddie in HIGHLANDER ENDGAME portrays Jeremy Irons' primary henchman who looks to also be a major fan of The Cure.  Just whose idea was it to have this evil general running around wearing neon blue lipstick?  It's hard to look like a militaristic badass when you look like you just escaped from a production of CABARET!  I kept wondering if his D&D alignment was "chaotic fabulous!"

One has to wonder what it would be like to try and run a campaign based on the characters in this movie with some diehard D&Ders.  Ten years in the making and all we get are 1 1/2 dungeons and about 5 minutes of CGI dragons.  Shocking to believe that with all the source material out there, this was the best they could come up with. Sad, really.  Well, maybe if they make a sequel they can call it ADVANCED DUNGEONS & DRAGONS and make it a smarter, more imaginative movie. Considering the poor box office, I doubt it.  Then again, anything's possible.  How else does one explain the existence of BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME?

My name is Scott Foy and I paid to see
I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.